Hashem created me, as He did every other creature, with a unique trait of my own that no one else has, just as my fingerprints are unique; there is no exception to this rule.
The particular attribute, skill, or talent that Hashem instills in me enables me to successfully accomplish my own very special mission on earth.
Hashem wants me to successfully accomplish my mission on earth; I can therefore succeed.
Hashem loves me, for He has no other child like me; He wants to help me and He loves hearing from me.
I am a person of worth.
I have the power to improve myself.
I can be happy.
Repeat the above 7 parameters over and over, daily, until they become second nature. Once you believe in yourself, wait and see how your life takes off.
Nope. It's not a misprint. I'm officially "carless." But it's not my fault! Really! Here's what happened, in case you were wondering. On Friday when I turned on the engine, I heard this vague noise coming from the engine. But then I dismissed it as those freaky sounds that come from who-knows-where and people post them on youtube. You've probably seen those videos. You know, the ones where you hear crazy sounds like howling or ghosts or cows mooing all sorts of ghastly moo sounds. Maybe there's a secret cow cult that does bloody cow sacrifices in the deep forest. These cows take an oath of secrecy and will not reveal the fact that they're actually aliens from Planet X who have been sent to destroy the human race and replace all of us with stealth killer cow aliens. Cowliens. They even wear leather jackets with spikes on the shoulders. The bulls have their horns pierced with hoop earrings and diamond studs.
WHY ARE YOU WATCHING YOUTUBE???
G-d I love those videos.
So I heard this strange sound, and of course I ignored it. Can't be bothered with going to the mechanic when there are Zumba classes to go to, you know. Then, on Sunday morning, I heard it again. Ignored it again. Then, I had to go into Bet Shemesh for who-knows-what, and on the way there, my battery light suddenly turned on. Great. I almost thought about ignoring that too, but then I realized that I might get stuck on a road somewhere, so I drove straight to the mechanic.
"Your alternator isn't running smoothly," he told me. I was like, "Huh?" Then he gave me a crash course in alternators and pulleys, which incidentally I found fascinating. In the end, I had to leave my car there and walk the 8 miles home. Just kidding. I flew home on a Monsanto-sponsored GMO alien cow experiment gone horribly wrong.
So in an hour, I found myself carless. But that's life. We can't predict what will happen from one minute to the next, so we've just got to do our best to go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Follow the lights. ??
I just heard some jackals howling outside. Whoooooo, whooooooo!
On second thought, that howling could likely be coming from teenagers.
On that note, I'm checking out. Sayonara. Asta lavista, baby. Asta Luego. Adios. Aloha. Arrivederci. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. That was soooo annoying to copy. Au revoir. Shalom!
哇，你真的來谷歌翻譯找出我寫的嗎？ 我印象深刻！ 不幸的是，我寫的是無意義的！
I should be asleep right now. But I ate like 6 or 7 cacao beans, which are totally bitter and disgusting, but they give you so much energy and do all kinds of other things that I'm too lazy to write about. Actually, it's not that I'm so lazy, but I just painted my nails and it's very hard to type with wet nails. Okay, so I'm also a little bit lazy.
Do any of you know what that title stands for? That's right! Thank G-d Shabbat Is Ova'. I love Shabbat, but being alone with five boys who won't listen to a word I say and who refuse to go and fight outside is very draining. Especially when I don't have a husband to yell at to get up from his beauty sleep and go take care of those unruly kids of his. And now my oldest one, who's 12, is getting all hormonal and pre-pubescent on me, and I realized that I basically have two choices:
a. run away
b. start drinking
I wanted to add in a third choice, but it's not legal, not even in China. Maybe it's legal in Syria, since people seem to be killing each other like it's going out of style, Hashem have mercy!
You know I'm joking, right?
Or am I?
I've got to get to bed. These nails are taking forever to dry! But as long as I'm sitting here, I might as well let you know that I lost my beautiful blue stone ring that I posted about a month ago. I have no idea why I posted it, now that I think about it. But if one of you out there is psychic and could tell me where my ring is, I'll be forever grateful. The only good thing is that it only cost $11, so I can order another one. But until then, I'll have to settle with my 83 other fake rings. One day I think I'll wear a ring on each finger, like those old-school grandmas used to do. I'll wear it to my Zumba class with my Nike hat. I'll be an old-school ghetto grandma with some Janet Jackson moves. Awwww, yeah. Speaking of grandmas, isn't she, like 50? And is it true she recently had a baby?? OMG what is this world coming to??
Well, wadda ya know! Rav Arush happens to have a few Jewels in the Sand for me! I don't know why he'd put them in the sand instead of just giving them to me, but I'll take them any way I can get them. Okay, so I just read the article, and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with diamond jewelry, but it does have an amazing true story of what sharing just one emuna book can do. You've got to read this!
This next article doesn't have anything to do with jewelry, unless you're thinking about stringing some matzah balls together and wearing them as a necklace. Maybe I'll try it sometime. Rav Brody tells us the story of a famous Chassidish tzaddik who ate Berele's Gebrokts on Pesach, simply to preserve the dignity of another Jew. It's stories like these that make me so grateful I'm Sephardi and I can eat all the gebrokts I want. (Well, I'm actually half Polish, but that part is hiding in a corner, desperately praying to G-d that the Iraqi half doesn't find her and turn her into kubbe.)
My latest article describes a gorgeous baby girl that I fell in love with, only to realize later that she was a Fake Baby. Look, I know it's been three years since I've had a baby, but I can still tell the difference between a real one and a fake one - at least, in person! But online, wow, that baby looked so real! I'm a little disappointed that the picture I sent in wasn't posted in the article, but I just tried finding it, and I came across some crazy pictures of crazy adults holding fake dolls and caring for them like they were their real babies. And then I saw a few pics of babies in these clear plastic containers, but the babies were in pieces instead of already assembled. Super freaky. Maybe Janet Jackson actually had one of these fake babies. C'mon people. 50 ain't no joke.
I've decided that Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen, one of our two Emuna Therapists, is moving in with me. I could certainly use her wise perspective on dealing with my kids, as I just read in her latest, Father Knows Best. However, I would change the title to "Rebbetzin Channen Knows Best." She is one of my closest friends, and I can tell you that not only does she know human nature inside and out, but she knows how to deal with people in difficult situations. And that is something so rare! Yehudit, please consider moving in with us! I'll cook for you every night! I'll put all five kids in one room so you can have your own room! Just name it - it's yours! You want some fake jewelry?
It seems that my nails have dried, so on that note, have a wonderful week! I'm going to sleep!
Don't tell David.
I was doing a three-point turn in a very narrow dead-end driveway, and the camera in the back didn't see the pole that refused to get out of the way. Ya chutzpan echad. That means, "You impudent, shameless, audacious pole, you." But it's all good! I already banged up the other side in the exact same way, so now they both match. I saved the broken tail light pieces so I can tape them back together good as new.
Incidentally, it's unbelievable how many times I've crashed my car into something since I've been in Israel. My car is not even six years old and it looks like it's at least 129. That's right, Americans. SIX years. SAME car. Leasing is just coming on to the scene. It's amazing that a country that is the world's leader in technological advances is so third-world in so many ways. For example, central a/c is almost unheard of! And so is a dryer! And a dishwasher! And two cars per family! OMG, I hope I'm not discouraging any of you from making aliyah. Living here is awesome!
So what was the point of this post? Oh, right! TGIF.
I just couldn't help myself. I really do find it funny.
So today has been an especially aggravating day, partially because I couldn't do any weight training, and partially (mostly) because the kids have been home since noon. And they've been driving me insane. And I couldn't manage to score an invite to anyone's house tonight. I'm not sure why that is. I mean, aren't we likable? On the other hand, it could be the screaming that my neighbors two buildings down are constantly hearing coming from my (downstairs neighbors') apartment. I think everyone's afraid of us (me.) Sigh.
So this really has nothing to do with anything, but I've just got to share this funny story with you. Today I thought I would treat my kids to some oily, fried, overpriced restaurant Shabbat catering food. It's pretty expensive, but I thought it would make tonight a little more exciting (for me.) Anyhow, I know the owner at the restaurant we usually go to, because I've managed to get him to give me lots of free food for "someone else." I'm serious. It really wasn't for me.
Today, before I let the bulls loose, i.e. the kids grab whatever they wanted, I asked the owner to give me a serious discount. He said in typical Israeli fashion, "Sure, I'll take care of you." I knew better than to ask him exactly how much of a discount he would give. Israelis want you to trust them. It's good for their massive egos. I couldn't keep track of all the kids running and scooping and labeling their containers, and soon enough, we ended up with about 15 containers of food. OMG. This was going to be expensive.
I reminded my friend the owner of our discount agreement, and before the discount, the total came to 250 shekel. Then, he surprised me by saying, "Okay, pay me whatever you want." Whaaaa? R U Serious?? I looked at him like he was crazy, which maybe he really was, and then, BAM! I just got a brilliant idea.
Alright. I can pay what I want? In that case, let me just grab a few more things.
So the "whatever you want to pay" discount just wasn't enough. I had to use my Israeli powers of bargaining/borderline abusing a favor to the max. And if that weren't enough, I ran to get some more baked salmon fillet and delicious looking meatballs. I mean, if I'm already getting a sweet deal, why not stock up for the rest of the week?
I can't believe I'm actually writing this.
But wait! It gets even better!
So then the bill came to 336 shek. And I told the cash register guy I'll pay him 250. Then, just as he finished ringing me up, the owner comes over to us and tells him he made a mistake. Then, he hands me a 100 shek bill. "I only wanted to charge you 150, not 250," he says. R U Fo' Serious?!! I almost hugged the guy.
And off I skipped along my merry way, with my oldest son soooo angry at me for accepting money back, telling me that we're not poor and it's so embarrassing what I did.
One day, you'll understand, kid.
On that note, I hope you all have a wonderful Shabbat! And for those folks out in wherever you are, don't tell David - just show him the pic of the car and watch his facial expressions. Note all changes of color and count the beads of angry perspiration on the forehead. Even better, have someone else film him as you show him the pic. Then send it to me so I can watch it myself and thank God that I'm 5,000 (?) miles away from him.