Yocheved Golani is an exceptional woman who has been pitted against the type of physical and emotional purgatory that would reduce most people to utter despair. With her strength of character and unflinching emuna, she has resiliated time and again from life-threatening tribulations. Yocheved's forthcoming book is entitled It's My Crisis and I'll Cry if I Need To; A Lifebook for Drying Your Tears and Coping with a Medical Crisis. My close friend Rav Avraham Greenbaum has read the manuscript and praised it. I agree with him. The Beams is proud to host Yocheved's 4-part essay, "Coping with a Medical Crisis". You're welcome to contact Yocheved directly for advice, speaking engagements, or info about her new book here.
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The Secret to Coping with a Medical Challenge, By Yocheved Golani
There's a secret to coping with a medical challenge. I'll reveal it soon.
Sounds exciting, doesn’t it? Just like that best-selling movie, DVD and book called "The Secret." Well, I'm going to try to do you a favor and speak realistically about some challenges in life. That best-selling series left out some critical information. Winning the lottery in this world is not what life's about.
GOD does not always say "Yes," no matter how people pray, weep and beg for what they want. If He did say "Yes" each and every time we call out to Him, then hostile enemies would have kept the Holy Land all to themselves forever, long ago. Your teenager would never have to clean his or her room or tell you about what they’re up to. Your toddler would not need to become toilet-trained and Las Vegas casinos would be broke.
Sometimes, HaShem tells us "Do some spiritual work. Sweat. I have a plan for you in mind." WE are the ones who are supposed to say "Yes" to Him! And when we do, the rewards are far beyond the limits of that flavor of the month called "The Secret."
Take ACTion
Okay, I hope that you've adjusted your thinking. Now I'm going to keep my promise and tell you the secret to coping with a medical crisis. It is called ACT: Attention to details, Compassion and Tenacity. Read on to learn how it works.
I survived 2005 emergency brain surgery for a benign brain tumor endangering my entire Central Nervous System and my very life. A few surgeons declined to operate on me, fearful that they lacked the skill to save my life. One specialist with expertise in my type of tumor and the affected part of my head agreed to try, and I gave him that chance.
Why wasn't I a basket case of tears, fears and physical or emotional breakdowns? The answer: I ACTed on my situation so that I could spiritually rescue myself if possible. I realized that I needed to recreate my emotional and mental make-up so that I could have a chance to survive, let alone to be healthy.
I fainted when I learned of my diagnosis. Over time, I recreated how I dealt with the situation. I attended to important details such as gathering my ever-growing medical records in one sensible carry-case and carefully updating my appointment book so I could arrive on time to doctor appointments. I worked at strengthening my emuna.
Prayers poured from my heart, mind and mouth, joining those of friends and loved ones. I trusted that HaShem would save me somehow. I vacillated between confidence and fear as a normal human being would. I responded to negative emotions with renewed focus on trusting HaShem. I read books about emuna and spoke of emuna with friends. Here's something from my forthcoming book that explains what I did to cope:
"Human beings mint coins and they're all alike. But when the Creator mints people, each of us is unique even though we come from the same mold. Our different personalities, skills and longings necessitate different paths to achieving a state of calm after we've been startled or terrified. There are no "One size fits all" methods of calming down or gaining perspective. Yet we need to reach the state of composed thought and behavior in order to live as productively and happily as possible under challenging circumstances. Sound reasoning enables us to choose the coping mechanisms that work for us. Challenging? Oh yes. But the alternative to coping is worse."
I focused on having Compassion for myself, preventing destructive thoughts of recrimination that somehow I deserved my fate. My fate may have been determined in a previous lifetime. I'm not able to figure out what I did in some other century. And as several spiritually inclined acquaintances pointed out over time, perhaps my present experience of a medical emergency was a lesson for others, not a punishment to me. I tossed self-blame into an imaginary wastebasket and let it go. And I upped the ante on my prayers for Compassion from our Av HaRachamim (Compassionate Father).
After I revealed my diagnosis to friends and family, we cried together. Then we selected coping skills for keeping me strong so I could have a chance to continue living. With Attention to Detail, I prepared a packing list of things I'd need in the hospital. I informed my employer that I needed a medical leave of absence. I asked loved ones to join me in prayer for my welfare. We arranged who would bring me hot meals after I returned home. My choice to focus on sensible behavior complemented my desire to develop Tenacity. I needed it for several reasons.
To be continued, G-d willing, tomorrow
