Ralph's Story

Lazer's note: This post is the real deal. Ralph is fighting for his life. We've spoken plenty in the past about cyber addiction and its devistating effects, but Ralph's story tops them all.

Please send a link to this post to anyone you care about who has a computer. Shabbat Shalom, LB

Dear Rav Lazer,

I have no one else to turn to regarding my present situation. I am in alot of trouble and am contemplating suicide as a way out.  I write to you from a position of disgust with myself and potential humiliation for my lovely wife and three daughters. 

I was a successful CPA until I lost my job last January and have not found a means to make a living other than trying to start a business which is having a dismal beginning.  Until I lost my job, I was earning almost $220k per year. You see, I have been addicted to the internet over the last 6 years.  What I mean by addiction is that I was viewing pornography and obsessed with chatting to unknown people. I was also wasting seed due to my addiction and avoiding my marital duties to my wife as a result. I was doing this on a daily basis to the point that I was up all night and often wasting away days at work. Somehow, I carried on the appearance that everything was okay until I was arrested January 25th for chatting to what I thought were grown women and were really undercover police officers posing as minors. I was so addicted that I never paid any attention to details like age since in the fantasy world of the internet, everybody makes stuff up including myself.  Since any facts were not believable, I never acknowledged any information other than what I needed to fulfill my selfish desires. 

In February, things got complicated. After I was arrested, I was extradited to another state where the charges were filed against me. The irony is that the state I am facing charges in, I have never been to in my life nor did I ever contemplate going there. I also never met up with any one I chatted to. I was purely living in a fantasy world that had overtaken my life - a trap that the Yetzer set for me. 

Initially when I was arrested, I was being held in a city jail in the state where I live waiting until I was picked up by the sheriff's department of the state I am facing charges in. I was transported after 15 days in county jail and then spent another 3 days in jail in the state where I am facing criminal prosecution. You can't imagine what suffering this is, for I was with junkies, robbers, rapists - you name it. 

Please help me make teshuva. Help me warn others not to fall into this trap. The internet is like a cancer and what happened when I was extradited is that another county in the same state issued a warrant for my arrest for the exact same charges as the county that extradited me had filed. I am currently facing over 24 felony counts in 2 counties of internet solicitation to a minor and obscenity charges due to the nature of sexual language I was using. I was released on $80,000 bail with a gps monitor on my ankle. I'm now jobless, penniless, and we're soon expecting child #4.

To add insult to injury, I have never been arrested in my life nor do I have any criminal record.  I was a good clean-cut guy with an MBA from the USA's best-known colleges of business. I passed my CPA on the first try. I had my choice of great jobs. It's now blown away. I can't explain what has happened as it all seems like a blur but I was living 2 lives. 

Since I have not been making any income, the community has come to our aid and has supported us along with paying for my legal expenses thus far totalling over 50k. I have 2 lawyers working on my case to handle my criminal matters and potential exposure to my CPA license.  My attorney has been trying to work out a plea deal but thus far has not been successful.  My attorney explained to me this morning that if a plea deal is not achieved then he needs to know my position as to whether he should pursue going to trial. If I go to trial I will be going to trial in 2 jurisdicitions with potential jail time of many years compounded by the number of felonies I am not able to beat. 

Believe it or not, the worst part for me is that I would also be required to register as a sex offender in 2 different states.  You have to know that I have never been interested in minors nor have I have ever considered harming a minor. I am reeling from the shock of how what I thought was a secret life has now become an open book. 

Please intercede in my behalf. I'm sure that your prayers will help my case upstairs, I am now beginning to do everything I read about in your different articles - mikva, Tikkun Klali, guarding my eyes, and doing teshuva during an hour of personal prayer a day. Even so, my marriage has been barely holding together. Please stick with me Rabbi Lazer because I need further guidance. As I said before, I have no income, I currently have no future and my wife is in tears daily. We are desperate and I contemplate suicide as a way to save my family, my children's future and the ability for my wife to remarry a person that is good and can make a living. I could go on for another 10 thousand words, but I haven given you the gist of my present life story. 

Please, Rabbi, tell the world about what happened to me. If I can save at least one person from a similar fate, maybe G-d will have mercy on me. Most sincerely, Ralph in the USA

Comments

[devorah]

Hi Ralph,
YOU MAY NOT COMMITT SUISIDE! us Jews need you- make aliyah if any way possible-devo

[Ronny]

I think you are fighting a heroic battle.

Most people would either give up or
put all their faith in lawyers. Either way, such people would not change. But you are using this for the opportunity it really is! Before, who knows what your end would have been? Now you have a real fighting chance.

Above all, DONT despair of your life. Please trust me on this, your children need you! Even if you cannot provide them with fine things, luxuries, or even seeming necessities, I swear to you that you being alive is worth more to them than you can possibly imagine.

A son loves his father and this is true no matter who the father is. Or what he has done. Just give your sons love and guidance, your daughters love and protection, this you will always be able to provide no matter what.

Don't despair! Many people found themselves in far wose situations, their reputations, fortunes, and health in even worse danger and yet they persevered. You are not the first to come through such a thing.

You are a good man! Don't forget that. I am not minimizing what was done at all, on the contrary, it is amazing that you have taken this situation so much to heart. There is an ancient saying "even at the gates of Hell, the wicked do not repent" this saying is absolutely true. Truly wicked people don't repent no matter what. But righteous "returnees" do repent. Which is why I insist that you are a hero.

Therefore, I think that one of the things you should conteplate is how to live without the computer, as for you it has been a snare. Just as Rav Shimon Ben Lakish avoided anyone who was even slightly corrupt when he repented from his youth as a bandit chief, so too you should probably set youself up to avoid this pitfall

but regardless do not give up! Your children need you, they need to know their father is a hero who will not surrender! Do not listen to any falsehood from the y"h - it is his job to trip you up. Ignore him completely and keep on your righteous path!

I am an ordinary Jew, but I will certainly have you in mind until rabbi Lazer writes that all is well by you

[Ronny]

I think you are a hero

Most people would either give up completely ch"vshalom, or else rely totally on lawyers. But you have chosen to take advantage of this situation. Instead of indulging in despair you have gathered all your strength to change. Before this, who knows what your end would have been? Now you are a true man.

And I mean it. "The wicked do not repent even at the gates of Hell" that is an ancient saying and absolutely true. But you are a true penitant, and as such even saints cannot stand in your place

And consider this, your children will never fall into this trap. Heaven help us, how many other parents can say that?

Do not for an instant entertain the notion that they would be better off without you. Heaven forbid! Your children love you, and the greatest most beautful lesson you can teach them is that their father does not know the meaning of despair. In these chaotic times, this is the ultimate teaching. Let them see that their father is a fighter and a true man that aknowlodges his errors and fixes them.

Ralph you are not the first man to find himself in such straits. Others have found themselves in even worse circumstances, but those who got out did so because they did NOT GIVE UP . Don't quit dear brother, you will get through this. And your brothers around the world love you for your courage.

I am an ordinary Jew, but until R Lazer posts that all is well by you, I will have you in mind when I pray to our God

[KM]

Dear Ralph,
Please don't contemplate suicide. No matter how bad things may look now, suicide would be infinitely more devastating to your family than anything you're going through right now. Your children, like all kids, would always prefer to have a father in your situation over not having a father at all. Your family and friends quite obviously love and care about you tremendously, and things WILL get better. You certainly DO have a future, and just remember that with Hashem, anything is possible. Never lose faith and never give up hope! No matter how low you may feel, teshuva is always there for us, and it always counts big-time. Indeed, look at what you've already achieved; it's clear that you've already been working on halting the addiction, and that in itself is a humongous mitzvah! Just keep things up, keep on having emuna and bitochon, and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
All the best, and please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
-KM from the USA

[Shmuel Nagid]

As a person who also struggles with internet p-n addiction I can feel your pain. I am sure that Hashem has given you this trial for your personal soul correction. Hashem gave you this challenge because he knows you can face it. Chas V'Shalom should you even consider taking your own life. There are many people who suffer the same addiction you have, and they are there for you. Of Course, Rav Lazer is your number one source for help strengthening your Emuna. www.guardureyes.org can help you overcome your addiction and help you achieve true t'shuva. May Hashem shine his devine light on you, especially in response to your turning to Him in t'shuva.

[Dr. Snidecor]

Dear Ralph: There is no “Get out of Jail free the first time you commit a Felony Card” and this is not Monopoly, it’ real life. Our Society has decided that Sexual Predators are not to roam free around our Cities and Villages. You had unacceptable (L&L) conversations with what seemed to be underage Girls in two States (or your Attorneys would have appealed on the basis of double jeopardy) and I think you forgot to mention this in your letter. Thank G-D that the Police are there to protect us in this way.

You violated too many Torah laws to list here, so I won’t, and you violated the trust of your Wife and the trust of your Children. Regardless of what happens from this time forward your Wife will never trust you again, and she may be wondering if her daughters are safe in your presence. Yes, Rabbi Lazer was a Prison Rabbi and I know that he was successful in helping many to make Teshuva. Do your Teshuva in the Cell Block and get the help you need in Prison.

Your Crimes against HaShem and Society began back six years ago when you took the first look at a Porno Site on the Internet. Why would you think that it was all OK as long as you didn’t get caught? Look at Malof who ran a Scam for over 30 years, so what do we say that he was doing OK for the last 29, and he was just unlucky to get caught? No, he gets the book thrown at him for the full term of his Scam and the full amount of the funds he embezzled from Friends and Strangers both. What kind of story did you tell the Community to obtain the $50,000? Were you honest with them? Did you tell them that you did the Crime? I wonder?

HaShem sees everything we do and thank G-D you got caught. Do the Crime, Do the Time! Is the way things are. Stop throwing your money away on Attorneys and get a public defender to let you do a plea bargain and then do the time. You want to keep your CPA License? No way, the CPA code keeps Felons from keeping the books, you violated the Law, the Torah, Your Wife, Your Kids and Society and you have lost the public trust. You made these choices and the results are a disaster for you, for your Family and for Society because we, the People, will be paying the Prosecuting Attorneys to convict you of the Crimes you admit, you have done, we the People will all be paying to have you kept behind bars for the next 12 years through our Taxes. It’s we the People who are putting you behind bars because that is where you belong.

Go to Jail, do your time and use this opportunity to read the Garden of Emuna and the many other fine Breslov Publications that the Prison Rabbi can help you find. You won’t find too many Computers in the Jail and you can get the other help you need.

Thank you for writing and for your warning, I hope that the People will get the Message and do more to protect society from the perils that took you so far from the Moral Values that Built the United States and seem so lacking in this modern era. Real Men who respect themselves, with or without Wives don’t make Porno part of their lives. Those that are lucky enough to have wives treat them with the respect they deserve by staying away from anything that is remotely related to any kind of improper or inappropriate behavior.

I am a Clinical Psychologist. Ph.D. UOM

[Dr. Snidecor]

Dear Ralph: I wanted to add that Suicide is not the answer. It won’t save your Wife and Children from anything and it’s not permitted by HaShem. At the same time the solution is not to spend $250,000 to try to beat the Rap and then fail to do that and end up needing to sell the family home to pay your legal fees. Get the Help you need in Prison.

[JewishOdysseus]

Ralph, suicide wd only harm even more those people whom you care for. And remember, only G-d has the right to number your days, not you.

I am a defense attorney, ignore those people telling you to "give up your legal rights and take your lumps." Ralph, what you described may very well be a strong defense case--you certainly committed a sin, but not every sin is a crime! Keep in good communications with your attorneys, and do what you can to help them help you.

It is very disappointing to read comments by educated people who are so sure you are "guilty of the crime until proven innocent." They shd know better.

Keep praying, seek forgiveness from your family, and do everything you can to help your attorneys. This will be a long, grueling struggle, but you need to be patient and not panic.

[Moshe]

Ralph,
I read stories like yours nearly every day except with a slight difference.
Many people I am in contact with also have problems with the Internet but they don't look at other women but look at other men.
I am one of many who suffer from SSA (same sex attraction) we are not gay or homosexual but are Heterosexual with homosexual feeling.
Many of us have acted out with other men others just fantasies most of us waist seed.
Most of us try very hard to give up these unwanted sexual feelings, we were not born with it, in actual fact no gay or homosexual person is born with SSA even though pro-gay groups will tell you that’s a lie.
I shall talk for myself, I am married for over nineteen years and I have children, my married life has not been a happy one, at the moment I am reading a book "The Garden of Peace" that helps with Shalom Byit, I do recommend it.
For years I have waisted seed and I acted out a few times while married, I also have gone many times into the Internet.
I have done therapy for many years and my life is full of ups and downs.
Some weeks are good others are bad.
I am a Torah Jew, I have been orthodox for over half my life, my children are FFB B"H as is my wife, I would never think of committing suicide because they need me as much as I need them, the world would be a less happier place if people decide that life is not worth living any more.
Ralph, its people like us who show that there is hope in this world even when we go through hardship and pain through Teshuva and praying to Hashem.
Its now over thirty days since I waisted seed and over two years since I was with another man and my fingers don't wonder into the world of unwanted Internet.
Remember your not alone, when we slip we get up again and start where we left off we get back on our path, there is light at the end of that tunnel, baby steps.
Thanks for sharing with us and I hope I gave you hope to keep living.
Moshe.

[Joe]

Dear Ralph,

Kol Hakavod. The biggest step has been taken, as our sages teach us that there is no harder tikkun than being shomer haenayim.

It is much easier for someone who has never fallen pray to internet porn to guard his eyes than it is for us. For us it is literally hell on earth.

I myself had been wasting my seed for over 20 years and had been a prisoner to internet porn as far back as I can remember. With Hashem’s loving grace I have been able to clean up my act and B”H have been “clean” over a month already. Furthermore I am trying to do as many tiukkunim as I can to repent and change my ways.

Oh Ralph….yes it is extremely difficult. But our sages teach us especially Rebbe Nachman that “Hashem does NOT give us a trial or tribulation that we can not handle” Which means that whatever happens is something YOU CAN handle and thus you should NEVER contemplate taking your own life.

Consider the outcome of your trial as a tikkun instead of G-D forbid something happening to your wife or children. This is Hashem’s loving grace, as everything Hashem does is always for the best.

I would also recommend the site: www.briskodesh.org. This is an amazing site with tons of material that has really helped me pull through some really tough times when I thought I would fall again.

Ralph…be strong, pray and trust in Hashem.

Joe

שיר למעלות; אשא עיני אל ההרים, מאין יבא עזרי. עזרי מעם ה', עושה שמים וארץ. תהילים: קכא (א-ב)

A song to the ascents. I raise my eyes upon the mountains; whence will come my help? My help is from Hashem, Maker of heaven and earth. Psalms 121 (1-2)

[Dr. Snidecor]

Dear Mr. Attorney: Ralph admits the crime and admits it for six years so this is not some one time entrapment. In 2007 Americans spent millions on defending themselves and most of the time (approximately 81%) are convicted for the crime. What happens as a result is that the State must spend millions convicting folks that are and have admitted thier guilt. This is a system that was intended (The Constitution) to protect the innocent. Defence attorneys have made it into big business.. Let him do his time and get the help he needs. Thank you.

Dr. Snidecor

[Dr. Snidecor]

Dear Mr Gay: There is no such thing as a Gay that is Orthodox. If you want to be Orthodox then get in touch with the groups that can help you and there are several. Torah makes this a crime of the most serious nature...

Dr. Snidecor

[Dr. Snidecor]

Re: Ralph's Story and his poor wife.. This story, so far as Ralph's wife is concerned, is something that takes away the very foundations of the Institute of Marriage. This is simply too much, and if you want to site Clinton, I would say that the Clinton Marriage was a marriage in name only, long before Lewinsky came along. She stuck with Mr. P because being the first lady was the only thing that kept her there by that time. I would guess that this wife is still there because she does not want to see the father of her Children dead (Suicide). Let's remember the words of the Ketuba (Contract)… and the promises made. How can anyone think that you can violate the most intimate trust that a woman can give to a man and then go back to where you were? Husbands are (Men) and their inner needs are very different from the Wife's (the Women's needs) are very deep and totally different from the male's. We need to remember that their wives are not Men! Men who think that they can violate the Marriage vows and then go back to where they were before the transgression are living in a fairy tale world that is not connected to reality. Where are the Orthodox wives? Please give us your opinions... Other Orthodox Wives need to hear your voices on this important issue... Thank you.

Dr. Snidecor

[Joe]

Dear Dr. Snidecore, regarding your comments especially "Dear Mr. Gay", may I recommend a wonderful CD called "Queen of the class" by Rabbi Shalom Arush which was translated and narrated by Rabi Lazer Brody.

Have a wonderful day!

Joe

[JewishOdysseus]

Dear Dr. Snidecor:

If you had read Ralph's posting carefully, you wd note that he did not think the person w/whom he was "chatting" was really a juvenile, but was another adult fantasist. The anonymous nature of the Net lends itself to such activities.

The prosecution's requirement is to prove he believed the person w/whom he was chatting was a juvenile. They typically use the chat logs to prove this...But how can they disprove that Ralph was kidding along in his own mind?

To repeat: Ralph admitted committing a sin. But not a crime.

The US Constitution was created to restrict the powers of the government and place more power in the hands of the citizens. It is specifically designed to make it difficult for the state to convict any suspect, innocent or guilty, hence the requirements for search warrants, probable cause, presumption of innocence, jury trials, access to an attorney, proof beyond reasonable doubt, etc.

Do I tell you how to shrink people?

[y]

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 dollar bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “who would like this $20 dollar bill?” hands started going up.

He said,” I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked ,”Who still wants it?” still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, “What if I do this?” and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

“Now , who still wants it?” still the hands were into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, YOU WILL NEVER LOSE YOUR VALUE. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE YOU. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but WHO WE ARE. You are special Don’t EVER forget it.”

If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

And remember: amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

IF G-D BRINGS YOU TO IT- HE WILL BRING YOU THROUGH IT.

From Kosheryeyes.com by
Binyamin Jadidi

[mv]

Ralph, I'll post a comment for you in a minute.

First I feel obliged to respond to this Dr Snidecor, an individual who at this moment, doubt his validity of being a credited clinical psychologist. Ph.D. let alone a successful one. I would also doubt him having a true Yiddish Neshama.

In the course of my life, I have come to the realization that many who end up in the psychology/ psychiatry fields, generally (not all) are individuals who are broken themselves and have found this outlet as a way 'fixing' others so that don't have to look deeply into themselves. That is not to say that there are no worthy and successful doctors out there. In fact, just the opposite, many who are broken have the ability of helping others crawl out of whatever challenges they face.

However, in this particular case, we have a so called doctor (who will most likely flash many of his creditentials from some famous university) who will lead paople to believe that he has the ability to 'heal' others. Yet from some few snippy remarks that are laced with much anger, it is quite apparent that this individual has a lot of work ahead of him on his own road to healing. It also apparent that this individual doesn't have much compassion, a trait generally found in Yiddishe Neshamas.

Part 1 of 5

[mv]

A good portion of our Torah revolves around the trait of compassion. In fact, the only way we can expect any sort of redemption today is only through this trait of compassion, since on our merits as a whole we are definitely unworthy. Our whole system is built for humans and as humans we fail & get up, fail & get up. From the highest of the highest to the lowest of the lowest, our Torah is dotted with many who were 'imperfect' and the Torah has no qualms about itemizing their defects only to teach us that they too were humans and were subject to mistakes and poor judgement. When the Jews (who were on extremely loftier level than we are today) were at the heights of their sinfulness, Moshe, who was the holiest of holiest, still implored to Hashem that He invoke the traits of mercy and compassion.


Part 2 of 5

[mv]

Yet, on this very board, we have a so called doctoral who boasts a few creditentials offerred to him by some peers in his field, who can not seem to find some compassion in his heart for an individual that's being taken through the wringer at this moment. Pidyon Shivuin (release of the imprisoned) is one of largest mitzvoth in the Torah. Yet this individual wants to lock him up behind bars because 'he deserves it'.


Dr Snidecor, I invite you to take a long look in the mirror to see what you are really about and who you really are. I invite you to look at where your anger stems from and what's really playing in the background. I invite you to search inside yourself for your trait of compassion. Maybe it's burried under some deep layers of pain. I offer you, that when you do come to your own realizations and have an innate desire to change, that I will be there to support you because I know we are humans and as humans we are subject to mistakes.

Part 3 of 5

[mv]

Just to clarify here, I'm not justifying or condoning Ralph's behaviour here. What I do see is someone who realizes that he made some mistakes, maybe even some grave ones that are irreversible, but wants to change that. In our world it's called Teshuva. We, as individuals, need to support this man as he attempts to right his wrongs.

Ralph, as someone who struggles with similar veins of self destructiveness, I get the craziness of it all. The insanity behind it. The pain it brings to ourself and those around us. Just know Ralph, you are not unique in this struggle. Many brothers walk along side you. We know. we get it. We also know that there is help out there. For those that are just ahead of us in our journey, we look for them to share their experience and hope for a new tomorrow. Ralph, I honor you for stepping forward to share your story. It takes guts to make yourself so vulnerable in the face of so much shame. But just maybe, you stopped one individual who was a little behind you in his journey and you just helped him avoid the pitfall of his life. Just maybe, that man went to seek some help and got to save his home. We never know.

Stay strong, my brother.

With blessings & love,
MV

Part 4&5 of 5