Without the Branch, There's no Fruit

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I became an observant Jewess about 3 years ago, when I was 17. Today, I have a wonderful schedule and I love my life and learning - I'm studying to be an optometrist in the morning, and in the late afternoon I attend classes at a Jewish Women's Seminar. But, I have a fly in my ointment - my parents.

My parents are lovely people, but their world is still at the level of 9 to 5 followed by dinner and popcorn in front of the television. Although they respect me, they embarrass me all the time. I've told my father a million times that he can't shake hands with my girlfriends, but everytime I bring one home he sticks his hand right out. I've tried to explain to my mother the severity of slander and idle gossip, but she says everything about everybody. Even worse, all this gives me a nasty guilt trip; after listening to lectures from the best Torah teachers one could wish for, I come home to two people who only seem to be interested in what's for dinner and what's on TV. It's hard for me to respect them, and that's a big test, since I'll be living at home at least for another two years or until Hashem sends me my intended (please make a blessing for me). Please give me some advice on how to accept my situation with emuna. Thank you for being there, Rabbi. With sincere appreciation, Karen from New Jersey

Dear Karen,

First of all, I'm glad that you're still at home; the advantages of your sanctity far outweigh the peripheral aggravation you have from little details at home. Please forgive me, but I must take exception with the "fly in the ointment" metaphor. Maybe your mama isn't a Lakewood rebbetzin and your dad isn't a Rosh Yeshiva with a Homburg on his head, but I'm sure that they're wonderful people to merit a daughter that's devoting her life to Hashem. Remember, they are simply the products of their environment, much like babies that grew up in captivity. They never cast away Yiddishkeit, for they never had it. There's a lot of headway to give them the benefit of the doubt.

You can influence them best by being a kind, considerate, understanding and loving daughter. Please don't preach and don't look down on them. Concentrate on your own soul-searching and self-improvement. The more you show compassion for your parents, the more Hashem will have compassion on you - that means you'll find you bashert (intended) with considerable less hassle.

You don't have to respect your parents' lifestyle, but Halacha requires you to give them absolute respect. Since this is the month of Shvat, let me explain in terms of a fruit tree: Fruit can't develop on its own; it must grow on a branch. You, as a baalas tshuva with a bright future, are the aromatic fruit. Your parents though, are the branch you grow on. One doesn't eat the branch, but without it, there's no fruit. Don't forget that, and you'll be fine - I'm glad you wrote. May Hashem send you your true soulmate in the nearest future, amen. Blessings always, LB

Comments

[Gila Levi]

Rabbi Brody gives wonderful advice. As the only baalat teshuvah in my family (thus far, please G-d), I've dealt with similar nisayonot and worse. No matter what I say or do, it seems that most of it is unacceptable or nonsensical to my parents. And so I have faith that one day they will see that raising their grandchildren to be frum is much more of a blessing than a risky science experiment, in which they fear the outcome will explode in everyone's faces and the consequences will be detrimental to the 'lab' in the future.
The only thing I've learned to do is honor them to the best of my ability, definitely not preach (as Rav Brody stressed), and pray for them. Hatzlacha!

[Cyndigr]

This is so true, and relevant to all our nisyonot.We need to greet our daily travels knowing we can surmount all we may think insurmountable and with the knowledge that H-shem is always there with us. Therefore we have no reason to stress, be fearful or have doubts. Easier said than done, maybe,.. buy each time you do so brings you closer to your goal as caring, compassionate, thinking Jewish person.

[Phil Greenberg]

Rabbi Brody's Shlita answer is simply profound ! When I find such situations myself I always pray that Hashemm should also help others to have thoughts of teshuva. In time, ,who knows ? We become role models to all our family members ,even if they do not share their thoughts with us.
Our actions will always speak louder than our words......
Also in time finding a sensitive chasson and husband will help bring them closer. One day, one opportunity at a time