Tonight is Rosh Chodesh Nissan, and the 245th birthday of Rebbe Nachman of Brelsev, whom I credit with having saved not only my life, but the lives of my children and all (G-d willing) future generations from me and that husband of mine, who still can't seem to figure out which machine is the washer and which is the dryer, G-d bless him. Since I couldn't find a picture of a cake with 245 candles on it, I found the next best thing which is what looks to be like 100 candles on this edible monstrosity. Actually, the link says this cake has 1,000 candles on it. Do you think so? I think that the person who wrote that either needs an urgent eye exam or he needs to go back to first grade. I'm sure that you all would agree with me by saying that this is a totally insane idea by turning a cake into an explosive device. Maybe it's a Hamas birthday cake? Maybe instead of strawberry filling there's a bomb in the middle? I hope that all those terrorists blow themselves up. A-MEN.
This week, Rav Brody's talking about the number 70, and he says it's The Secret of Geula. While he makes some very insightful correlations between the number 70 and the Redemption, I'm too busy making connections between the number 70 and the horrifying realization that I probably won't be able to do Zumba like I do today. Will I need a cane? A walker with two tennis balls on the bottom? Oy, the horror! I cringe at the thought! I hope that the Mashiach will be here by then and we won't have to age anymore. Maybe 70 will be the new 30. Yeah, I can deal with that. I mean, why not? If people used to live for 800-900 years way back in the day, then 70 would have been, like, practically a newborn.
Since it's Rebbe Nachman's birthday, I decided to celebrate it with an all-out carb fest. OMG, I feel so disgusting. Yesterday I ate SIX granola bars, tons of fruit, and these "chocolate" tea biscuits that you're supposed to dip in your tea I guess. They're called chocolate, but just because they're brown it doesn't mean they have any actual chocolate flavor. What a bummer. I'm totally grossed out. Yet, I still wanted to keep eating. So I'm in a bad mood because of it.
Rav Arush is here to save the day, because he's telling me that if I had just had a little more spiritual sensitivity, I wouldn't be so prone to sinning because of my spiritual insensitivity. Well that made a whole 'lot of sense. But what he's really saying is that we've got to figure out where we're holding spiritually. Hashem is sending us challenges along our path of Finding Ourselves, because that's the only way we're gonna get it through our thick skulls that there are maybe one or two things about us that we need to change. Just one or two. What he really meant to say was that if I could just close my mouth for five minutes, I wouldn't feel like a blimp about to explode, because that's really what I feel like right now.
You know why I love Rebbe Nachman so much? Because he teaches that tomorrow is another day! I can start over tomorrow! Hashem is giving me another chance (hopefully) to resist my Evil Inclination and to eat like a normal human being, and not like three burly truck drivers stuffing their faces with double Whoppers at the rest stop restaurant in the middle of nowhere. I actually liked stopping at those rest stops on the Turnpike on the way to Disney World. I found them so incredibly exciting. I'm serious!
Okay, husbands, listen up. My latest article is a must-read for every man that still believes he's a man and not a fairy princess that should really be living in her enchanted castle with her Prince Charming. Or is it Princess Charming? All this liberal gender identity crisis insanity is getting me so confused. And angry. Why do kids need to be taught to question their gender at age 8??? This world is completely crazy, I tell you! Anyhow, one husband wrote me wondering why his wife wasn't all into his smooth moves. Well, I gave Prince Charming a reality check, and it saved his marriage! It could make yours better, too! Could one of you please tell my Prince Charming to read this article??
So I always thought I was the queen of comebacks, like if some kid would call me stupid, so I'd say, "You're stupid!" For some reason, I haven't quite outgrown this stage, so even today if my husband teases me and says something to try to get my Iraqi Eyes to come out, I'll automatically turn it around on him: "You're wearing two different colored socks!" Take that, David. But now, I'm sad to say that Dennis Rosen has shown me that Hashem Loves Comebacks, but not the kind that I used to give. You mean there's another kind of comeback?
Speaking of Iraqi, Pinney Wolman is obviously not Iraqi, because if he were, he would know that forgiveness is like a four letter word. So is cake, come to think of it. Pinney, kol hakavod for writing about Forgiveness and Humility. We could all use a little (or a lot) more of both. Except me, of course. Just wanted to make that clear.
Dr. Zev Ballen, one of our two incredible Emuna Therapists, shows us the power of Words that Fix. He's explaining that talking to G-d is more than just a wonderful thing to do; it actually brings us out of the pre-verbal stage, where we're whining and complaining if things don't go our way. You mean there's another stage after that? OMG. I just realized that between my tantrum-style whining and juvenile comebacks, I may not be as mature as I thought. I'd better read this article AGAIN!
Lori Steiner explains that even though our ancestors left Egypt, we're still stuck there in a spiritual sense. She gives us the Waze directions for the easiest, least congested Journey to Freedom. Lori, I love your article, and I'm wondering if you can write a sequel for the lovely ladies out there, called "Journey to Freedom II." It would discuss the exalted, invigorating feeling we would experience after finally seeing the entire house in order. The dishes would be cleaned, the laundry would be folded, the beds would be made, all the toys would be put away, and the toilet seats would be clean, dry, and in their proper position. I'm so ashamed to admit that this is what I fantasize about all the time. I need to get out more.
Rav Brody gives us an amazing connection between Rebbe Nachman, intellectual smarty-pants people, and Pesach in this special feature called Freedom from Nonsense. I could also use a little freedom from nonsense. Actually, I heard that the Ritz Carlton Spa in Herzeliya is offering a special Pre-Pesach "Freedom from Nonsense" massage/mani/pedi/facial package. I'd better book that asap!
Have a wonderful week! And don't forget - DUST IS NOT CHAMETZ!!!