So I was trying to find a picture of the perfect wife, and aside from looking at my selfies, I couldn't find ONE pic on the entire internet (that I could use legally.) You know I'm being slightly sarcastic, right? Right. As you may be aware, David and I have a very special, loving relationship. He's always giving me the sweetest compliments that make me weak in the knees. We're just so in love, he and I.
Here are a few examples of the sweet one-liners he tells me. Husbands, listen up:
-I love you so much when you're quiet.
-If you didn't talk, you'd be perfect.
-You're perfect when you're sleeping.
To which I lovingly respond:
-Have you looked in the mirror lately?
-How did you give me such gorgeous children?
-On what basis do you deserve a perfect wife?
-You act like a Neanderthal sometimes.
-How did you get so lucky??
Newsflash, guys: the perfect woman doesn't exist! And do you know why?? Because you're far from perfect yourselves! Here's a spiritual rule that you should know, in case you don't already: Hashem gives you what you need, not what you want. Think of that next time you're about to complain about your wives, oh loving husbands.
Thank G-d I have Rav Shalom Arush to validate my genius. Oh, right! So it's not really my genius per se, but who pays attention to what I write anyway? Back to Rav Arush. He wants us all to get to the level where we have No Room for Doubt in Hashem's Divine providence. That may be a bit too righteous for me, yo. But, Rav Arush is convinced that we can reach it! And we might as well try, because the alternative is being called a heretic. Yeah, you heard me. Heretic. Whatcha gonna do? Are you gonna tell your mommy on me?? Go ahead. I eat mommies for breakfast. But seriously, isn't heretic a strong word? Does it hurt your feelings? Well, don't complain to me! Just read Rav Arush's article! Now!
Oh, boy. I just realized I'm about to get into some serious trouble with Rav Brody. I just finished reading his article about how dangerous it is to speak negatively, and I just wrote how nicely hubby and I speak with each other. I can just see Rav Brody standing in front of us, waving his index finger at his mischievous children: "Tsk, tsk. Now, now, children. Remember what I taught you: Holy People, Holy Tongue!" And then he would do a super-fast twirl and disappear in a puff of smoke. All hallucinating aside, Rav Brody writes about Shlomit, the big-mouthed woman that caused devastating consequences to the Jewish People with her, um, big mouth. Sorry for the redundancy. I'd just like to say in defense of all women that we're not the only ones who can't keep our mouths shut! (Yeah, I'm talking to you guys out there. Heretics. All of you.)
Speaking of romantic relationships, a young woman wrote me about her live-in boyfriend, asking, "Why Won't He Marry Me?" And then I opened up my big mouth and gave her a little bitter pill called "Truth." She's tired of pretending to be the perfect wife without actually having official wife status. But, she can't figure out why she hasn't yet earned it. After all, hasn't she committed, like, a year and a million miles to this guy? Where are her Reward Points?? Where is her free night at the Ritz Carlton?! Am I projecting?
Ladies, it ain't no mystery that your man won't marry you! Don't worry, dahlings, the Iraqi Love Doctor explains it all. If any of you are in a long-term relationship and you're wondering why you're nowhere near the chuppah, read this article before you turn old and gray and wrinkly, and then no one will want to date you. Except maybe other single people who also happen to be old and gray and wrinkly.
Here's another one who knows just what to say and how to say it. Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen, one of our two incredibly gifted Emuna Therapists, gives us practical advice and insight on The Art of Condolence. I feel compelled to keep opening my big mouth and add my own advice to her article which is: don't say any of the above quotes to the grieving family. They will most certainly not find it amusing.
HERETICS! Listen up! Rav Avigdor Miller osb"m wants Marvin to die! Die, Marvin, die! OMG I hope none of you out there are named Marvin! Don't worry, he doesn't want Marvin the person to die, G-d forbid. He just wants us to stop adopting non-Jewish customs and to live like Jews. Yeah, this article is definitely not for the faint-of-heart. It's also not for someone who isn't looking for the Truth. Since I know that none of you out there are either, that means you have to read about The Tests of This Generation!
Ahava Margaretten asks a fundamental question that many of us women deliberate with: To sheitel, or not to sheitel? Well, you've got to read the incredible story of how she found her answer in My Scarf, My Gift! (Again, there's a lot of truth in this one, so beware, ye faint-of-heart ones names Marvin.)
I started getting palpitations as I began to read Dovber HaLevi's article, so I had to stop. I'm serious. He started to give us an all-too-realistic description of what life is really like, and I got so scared that I immediately ran to the kitchen to get something to eat. But don't worry! If you can get through the article, there's a great ending! How do I know? I skipped to the end, of course! In all seriousness (what does that even mean?), if you're looking for The Emuna Feeling, then look no further! Will someone please write me to tell me what the article really said? You know I'm kidding, right, Dovber??
This is totally crazy, but I really couldn't read the next article, either! Lori Steiner's Rocky Road Chocolate Souffle sounds so crazy delicious, I'm getting short of breath. Really, Lori. It's not fair for you to give an article such a yummy title, when there's crazy people like me who stay away from sugar and dairy like they're the Devil. Not fair! Heretic! Oy, and there's a picture of a chocolate souffle in the middle of the article! G-d help me!!
Just in case any of you haven't been on planet Earth in the past two weeks, or at least on our site, Rav Brody is coming to North America! Whoo, hoo! That means a whole suitcase of new workout clothes for me! YESH!! Oh, yeah, and there's this whole emuna tour he's doing that's going to give you the tools to break through your barriers in life. But just between you and me, all of these emuna tours are really just a setup for me to get all kinds of stuff fo' cheap.
Here is the full tour schedule! Don't miss out!!
Have a great day!
~Racheli (still loving that squiggly thing!)