The Face of a Tzaddik
Your Own Private Army

Pigeon Purgatory



Hate them.

This isn't my roof, but it's pretty darn close. Every morning and late afternoon, my balcony suffers from a pigeon infestation. We put a pool on the balcony, but even though it's covered, somehow the pigeons can tell that there's water there, so they fly over looking for some poolside fun. What do they want? Are they looking for me to walk outside with a tray of icy pina coladas and frozen grapes on a stick? Are they looking for a summer pigeon fling? The problem is that my balcony is high up, and it's not covered by another balcony. Supposedly pigeons like high places. So fly to the Azrieli Towers, you disgusting pigeons!! 

Here's what my days have turned into. I get up at about 6:30, and try to be as quiet as I can. Sleeping Beauty (David) must be woken up no earlier than 7:15. After tiptoeing to the bathroom and back, I open my closet door which has a mirror on the inside, and begin the 45-minute face cream/makeup/voodoo ritual. My bedroom window faces the balcony, so while applying my makeup and chanting curses on my enemies, I spot pigeons attempting to land on my pergola and pool. 

I immediately turn, run over to the window, and BANG! BANG! BANG! on it as hard as I can. You know, in order to scare away the pigeons. (And also to wake up my lazy princess of a husband.) I watch in evil glee as the pigeons scramble to fly away as I mutter curses in their direction. My glee is doubled (does that even make sense?) because out of the corner of my eye, I see my husband jump up out of his deep sleep, startled by the BANG! BANG! BANG! noise. I laugh my wicked laugh and go back to painting my eyebrows.

Then, as the sun is setting, the disgusting pigeons come lookin' for some front row seats so they can admire the gorgeous sunset from my balcony. One day I'll post a picture, G-d willing. As I'm feeding the kids dinner, I see the pigeons coming back, and I can't get over how stupid they are. Don't they remember how I traumatized them in the morning? Why can they remember to keep flying back to the same spot, but they can't remember the BANG! BANG! BANG!????

So in between serving my kids, I keep running over to the dining room window and bang away again, as I scream at them to "Get away from here, you disgusting pigeons!!" Okay, it really sounds like, "GET AWAY FROM HERE, YOU DISGUSSSSTTTTIINNNGGGG PIGEONS!!!" When I'm too far away, but I can still see the pigeons, I send one of my kids running to bang on the window. So far, thank G-d, I haven't broken any windows. Yet.

Of course, the problem isn't the pigeons. It's the DISGUSTING mess they leave behind, if you get my drift. I can't stand it!!! So for the past three summers, I've been dealing with this aggravation. And you can be sure I've been complaining a lot about it. A LOT. 

In the midst of my endless complaining, my inconsiderate husband decided to point out that there could be way worse problems to have than pigeon poop infesting every corner of your balcony that your kids use, and, oh yeah, the pool too, because that cover sometimes sinks into the pool so water ends up sitting on top of it. When the pigeons see this they go crazy like a bunch of wild beasts that just found a watering hole in the middle of the African savanna in the middle of July. Wait. It is the middle of July, right? OMG! I missed my dad's birthday! Better call him real quick and explain that I'm too preoccupied with murderous thoughts about pigeons to call him on his birthday.

Do you know that every single time I wanted to write the word pigeon, I started writing the word pie? Does that mean something? You know, subconsciously?

So the princess is right. The piegons (that's it, I'm fed up of correcting myself!) are just an aggravation. And an aggravation is much more preferable than a serious challenge. So, I'm telling all of you fellow piegon-haters out there, don't sweat the minor aggravations. Because when you think about it, wouldn't you prefer a minor aggravation to something more serious?

I have just one more thing to say: DIE, PIEGONS, DIE!! (I apologize to all animal rights activists for my incredibly insensitive feelings of rage and frustration toward helpless creatures.)

Alao, do you like this amazing "I can't believe it's gluten-free, sugar-free, and dairy-free" chocolate swirl cheesecake that I made? It's OUTSTANDING!!




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Too much complaining and dishonor to husband, unthankfulness in all areas. Is she Jewish? Does she listen to Rabbi Lazer's teachings?


Racheli, I'm sorry about your pigeons... may they relocate really soon! But that cheesecake looks delicious; and since my kids are on a dairy and sugar free diet I would love if you can share with me how you made it. If it's not too complicated to make, I'll send you a pic of it when it's done:)


Mina, my humor is very dry and sarcastic. That's just the way it is.


Rivka, I am the WORST with measurements, but I can give you a general recipe. I took a bag of ground almonds and walnuts, added 1 or 2 eggs, some splenda and grapeseed oil, and baked it as a crust until it started to brown. The cheesecake was from two packs of vegan soy-free cream cheese, 200g each, but if I were you, I would use another pack. Then I added 5 eggs, about 1 1/2 - 2 cups of splenda, a small bottle of soy cream for baking, (but next time I would only use half a bottle because it got too liquidy) and baking powder. I think potato starch might help thicken it up a bit, so if you're feeling up to it, try about 1/4 cup. You'll need to end up with a nice thick consistency. For the chocolate, I melted 2 bars of sugar free chocolate in about 3T of grapeseed oil, and then drizzled it on top. Then I made the cool swirly shapes that I have no idea how to describe. I'd love to see a pic of your finished product!


Funny!!! You are a riot, Racheli!!!


Thanks so much, Mir!!


You are great Racheli! I like dry sarcastic humor, its more real. We all know we think like that, some just don't voice it out loud!


Thanks, Amber! I have a genetic defect whereby the filter that prevents me from saying inappropriate and confrontational things is missing. I totally blame my parents for this.

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