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Hypocrisy, Hebron and Him-and-Her

Racheli's Million-Dollar Chocolate Cake

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It's one in da a.m., and I'm sitting here, wearing my new aviator sunglasses and stuffing my face with my latest concoction - million-dollar cake. I can barely see what I'm writing, or what I'm eating for that matter, but I love these sunglasses too much to take them off. Also, I don't really need eyes to taste this fabulously rich cake. 

You're probably wondering why I'm posting food posts on a fast day. What can I say. I'm slightly crazy. Also, I'm becoming a little obsessed with finding something sweet that's semi-healthy, but more importantly, low-carb. Yes. Even I have a yetzer. Hard to believe, isn't it. 

But the real reason I'm sitting here right now is totally David's fault. He decided that he's going to have a little snack before the fast, and for some deep and mysterious reason, I have to know what he's eating in order to see if I want some. He's sitting next to me, chowing on his cereal like a horse, but the crunching noise sounds so appetizing, it's driving me crazy!!

So let's talk about this cake really quick. It's probably the last thing you needed to see today, but I just couldn't help myself. First, I'll explain the name of this cake. I called it Million-Dollar Cake because it sounds so much nicer than what it really is, a Million-Calorie Cake. I actually have no idea how many calories are in here, but I'm sure there's at least more than 100 calories per crumb slice. Seriously, how many of you would read this post if I called it Million-Calorie Cake? Two, maybe?

I'm starting to hallucinate because I'm so tired, so I'll get to the recipe without further ado. Is it raining outside? What is that dripping noise?? 

Again, I'll warn you - I don't do measurements. It's, like, so low-class and practical. I don't do practical. Low-class, yes. Anyway, you've got to play it by eye and taste it. A lot. So here goes. 

For the cake: ground walnuts, ground almonds, sugar-free chocolate bars, coconut or grapeseed oil, 5 eggs, baking powder, and a small drop of xanthan gum. If you need it a little sweeter, you can add a sugar substitute from maltitol or erythritol, but beware! Your intestines will pay the price if you eat too much of it!

In a bowl, mix the ground nuts, eggs, baking powder, and xanthan gum. Melt the chocolate with a little oil - about 1/4 cup. I think. Let the chocolate cool slightly, then mix it in with the mixture. Bake on 350 for around 15? minutes. I really have no idea how long I baked it for. I use the knife test. If the knife comes out clean from the middle of the cake, it's done. Just don't wait until you smell burning coming from the oven before you do the knife test. 

For the frosting: take a can of coconut cream and put it in the fridge. Let the cream separate from the liquid. Scoop out only the cream and mix it with a fork. If you're lazy, use a hand mixer. Mine is broken because my little Natan decided to jam the beaters into the mixer until some of the plastic fell off. I'm too lazy to get another one. Actually, the truth is that I keep forgetting that I need another one. 

Next, melt some more chocolate, let it cool slightly, then mix it into the coconut cream. Put it in the fridge and it will firm up.

If you're feeling fancy, you can sprinkle some ground nuts on the top of the frosting. You can even just do coconut cream by itself without adding chocolate if you don't want it too chocolaty. 

This is a great dessert for people like me, who have become terrified of putting a starchy carb in their mouth. One day, yetzer. Oneeee dayyyyy....

In the meantime, I'll do my best to keep looking cool and tough by wearing my aviators in the middle of the night. Indoors. When no one's watching. I think I'm having an identity crisis. Maybe I'm really Corey Hart? He also wore his sunglasses at night. And nowadays, I can say I self-identify as a guy and no one can tell me I'm crazy. But can I self-identify as a guy who was popular 30 years ago, and I'm 39? That means now I would be at least 69 years old! Can I say that I'm actually a 69-year-old man? What in the world am I saying??

On that note, good night! And have an easy fast!

Comments

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RL

LOL! Gotta see those aviators!
And Puleeze next time you bake MEASURE YOUR INGREDIENTS so that I can try to make these stuff!

EstherAsna

Sounds like a Pesach cake bc of all the ground nuts. Will have to eventually grind them myself if I don't want to but the expensive pre-ground ones to make these types of recipes.

And btw surprised you remember Corey Hart, especially since you don't live in Canada. I forgot about him too until I moved here and they play that song on the radio all the time. What can I say, forgot to bring a Torah CD to the car...:)

racheli

Esther, they still play that song?? Is Canada 30 years behind? I have that song in my head all day since I wrote this post. I'm so annoyed! Anyhow, ground walnuts are much cheaper than almonds, and you don't need that much. If you don't mind adding a little extra carbs, you can put some instant oats. Thanks for writing in!

racheli

RL, I know! I'm so sorry! I have a thing against measuring. Really. I don't know if it's my ego or my lack of patience. Probably both. I just hate following recipes. Next time, I'll do my best to slow down and measure. Did you check out my salmon recipe? That was one cup: one cup. If you want to see my cool aviators, email me at racheli@breslev.co.il. Looking forward to hearing from you!

ChavaG

Racheli, I'm drooling all over the keyboard over your chocolate cake! OK, I'm exaggerating...just a little.

So, I asked my rav how much grain I have to put in my low-carb bread recipe before it becomes eligible for lechem mi-shneh on Shabbat; he said 51% of the flour has to be one of the 5 grains. I am really trying here! Right now we're using 50 g. whole spelt pitot and splitting one, hubby and I each getting 10 or 11 g. net carbs each meal and I want to get it down as far as I can. The regular low-carb "bread" probably runs about 2g. carbs for the same weight. The last time I made regular bread, it was so tough, I haven't tried since; never mind a grain-and-nut mixture! Or, even just a nut mixture!

Am I crazy?

Thankfully, it's after the fast now. ;=)

racheli

Chava, you're so funny! I just did another chocolate cake that came out seriously unbelievable, but I don't think anyone would appreciate me posting it without a recipe! If you want, email me and I'll send you a pic. As for Shabbat, it's the one day I like to indulge in carbs and sugar, so I eat regular challah and dessert, depending on if I made dessert or not. The challah is such a pleasure, I roll my eyes and savor every bite!! I don't know how strict you are on your diet, but the important thing is that you should make it sustainable and not have the feeling that you can't live like this. Thanks so much for writing in! (I made a pareve chocolate swirl cheesecake that I thought about saving for tisha b'av.) ;)))

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