Many of you might think this is the famous grotesque creature created by Victor Frankenstein, of whom no name exists.
But I'd like to tell you that you are mistaken.
First, it is acceptable to call the monster himself Frankenstein. Second, this isn't Frankenstein.
It's my darling husband David before he's had his morning coffee.
Don't believe me? I'll prove it to you.
See that scar on the forehead? He got that because I was trying to throw my kitchen knives back into the knife block from across my tiny kitchen, and he got in the way. Fool! The sight of flying knives didn't scare you enough into not entering the dungeon kitchen?
And what about those two metal knobs sticking out from his neck? Well, duh! Those are the latest version of portable outlets for his iPhone and Mac! Talk about efficient, self-sustainable energy!
And that apathetic, zombie-like stare? Definitely before his coffee.
I'm sorry. It's one in the morning and my head is nodding forward like it's about to fall off, G-d forbid. So I'll get to the point.
I created a monster.
A real live breathing, talking, complaining, demanding, impossible to cook for monster. After a year of nagging, I've finally managed to convince David to give the ketogenic diet a try.
And now, he's turned into a keto fanatic, the likes of which this world has never seen before. And I thought I was crazy!
He's taken this whole counting carbs thing to another galaxy, where husbands don't feel bad about returning food their wives cooked for them because it might have a few too many carbs. Seriously, we had a whole fight over it. Turns out tomato sauce has lots of carbs. So does broccoli, by the way. Go figure.
Listen, I love the ketogenic diet, and I am convinced that it's a great way to lose weight and cure many types of chronic disease, including cancer. But I don't love having to walk on eggshells because hard boiled eggs are the only thing we're eating in this house, and no one feels like picking the broken eggshells up off the floor.
I'm starting to ramble unintelligibly, you know, is that a proper word? I'm looking at it and wondering. Does it sound weird to you? Say it out loud, syllable by syllable. Let me know if it's a real word.
So.... oh, yes. Mr. Keto Frankenstein. He's in ketosis and I'm not. I'm totally jealous. But the irony is really funny. I spent a year pestering him to try this diet, and now that I finally succeeded, I'm regretting it.
He's shown me that I have like, zero self-control because I can't properly count carbs. Not that it's so hard! I'm just lazy in very strange ways. He's also shown me that he's super disciplined, and I find that extremely annoying. Because I'm not. Except for going to the gym, but I like that, so I wouldn't really call that discipline. Or maybe I would, because it makes me sound... disciplined.
Here's the moral of this ridiculous post: be careful what you wish for!
Sometimes what you think will be da bomb could actually end up being a pain in your tush. If there's something you really, really want, that you just really, really know will make your life so much better, I have two words for you: peanut butter.
Sorry, I meant be patient! You can keep asking for whatever you want, as long as you remember that the answer can be "no" and Hashem will give it to you if and when He feels you're ready.
Clearly I was ready to be married to a genetically mutated monster. The least he could do is learn how to do laundry.
Speaking of peanut butter, I'm gonna grab me a spoonful before I head off to bed.
Have a great day!