My stomach is about to burst. Yet I can't stop eating. Right now I'm enjoying a disgustingly appetizing mix of canned mercury tuna, guacamole, salsa, and re-fried black beans. I put them on this Hulk-green veggie cracker. David's going to let me have it when he finds out, because I made so much fun of his breakfast this morning. And then I made the same thing.
Is food envy a real thing? Like, psychologically? What does it mean?
Deep thoughts aside, I'd just like to say that I'm fed up of being in the kitchen. I spent most of my Sukkot cooking... in the kitchen. Because where else would I cook? In addition, most laundry was off limits, so I had some free time. It's not like I have a life or anything. The truth is, I didn't leave Bet Shemesh because I'm terrified of getting stuck in traffic with five kids in the car. Someone suggested that I take them to the zoo, but I was like, why would I do that? I live at the zoo.
If you still have some brain space left, then you're probably wondering why I posted a picture of half my stove top. It's because I had no idea what else to post.
So here are the real reasons. First, I was too lazy to clean the other half. Second, on Shabbat, we had my husband's second cousin twice removed and her family over. What in the world does that mean?! What is a second cousin twice removed? Is that the same thing as a third cousin? Is it easier than saying, "My mother's cousin's daughter's from her mother's side?
We were talking about her new neighbor, who happens to be Breslev, and my husband asked her jokingly if she had a big "B" on her forehead, to which I responded, "No, she has the fire symbol in diamonds on her forehead."
This fire symbol is actually made up of part of Rebbe Nachman's famous phrase, "My fire will burn until the Mashiach." After saying that to him, it occurred to me that Rebbe Nachman and I have something in common.
My fire will also burn until the Mashiach, because of all these holidays that I keep having to cook for. I hope the Mashiach comes soon, because I'm ready to go on strike. Can anyone tell me why there's no kosher Chinese take-out here? I mean, is that normal?? We're a town of like, 100,000 Jews! WHERE'S THE CHINESE FOOD???
But seriously, how much can one woman cook? And shop? And watch the laundry grow and invade the rest of the house like the Blob? And suffer through two endless weeks of kids at home? I went food shopping yet again this morning so I can spend the rest of today getting my nails done. Plus, I didn't go to Zumba this morning. I'm a very irritated Iraqi. Stay away.
This has been a loooong month for all of us. And it's been even longer for all of you that don't live in Israel. The two day plus Shabbat holiday thing is crazy hard! I gotta give you guys a lot of credit.
Guys? Did I just write guys? I meant Gals! Holy women, the credit and admiration goes to you! Without your hard work and major lack of sleep, most of us might be enjoying our holiday dinners with a can of tuna or a salami sandwich. Give yourselves a pat on the back. Better yet, treat yourselves to a massage. I'll also give credit to any man who was man enough to help his wife or take care of the meals on his own. You rock.
All of you who have celebrated this intense month of holidays should know - your fire burns bright, too. Your souls are lit up from all of the spiritual energy that you've been connecting to, and this will carry you through an exciting year filled with every blessing you need. Very soon, G-d willing, we will greet our Mashiach together with great joy and lots of dancing!
Speaking of dancing, wishing you all a wonderful and joyous Simchat Torah!
Oh, and one more thing. If you think my food concoction was gross, you should just know that one of my son's friends came over just now with a can of sardines. He ate the whole thing and managed to leave globs of smelly sardine oil on my new tablecloth. Thank G-d it was plastic. Okay, my stomach is not happy right now. Gotta go wake Sleeping Beauty so I can complain to him about his revolting food creation.