CAN I GET A "WOOP, WOOP?!"
The FOUR LONG YEARS of waiting have finally come to an end!! I have just had one of the most spiritual experiences in my life!!
Check out my ride cruisin' through the DRIVE-THRU CAR WASH!!!
While you're checking out the details of this Charedi Gangsta's dashboard to see what is wrong with it, try not to get too jealous of the in-yer-face "NASTY" sticker on my steering wheel.
Admit it. You're jealous. Don't feel bad! It's healthy to recognize and accept your jealous feelings. Not everyone has such a cool sticker on their steering wheel. If you want, send me a comment and I'll ask David where he got it from.
I really do love that sticker. Not sure why. For some reason it just suits me. Now that I think about it, I gotta get me another one so I can put it on the back of one of my track suit jackets. How cool would that be? I already have one that says "West Coast Legend," even though most people can't read it because it's in English, nor would they even know which west coast it's referring to. And the "Legend" is upside down. Maybe that's why it was on sale.
But a jacket that says "NASTY" on the back? I'd LOVE it! Those that know me know I ain't jokin'! I'd wear it loud and proud.
So, this drive thru car wash is so, like, totally symbolic of something so deep and profound. If only I had the words to properly convey my innermost esoteric spiritual thoughts. But I don't, because I'm in the middle of making dinner and trying to finish folding the laundry before the Tasmanian Devils get home and my aura of serenity vanishes into shakshuka-smelling air.
Before I get to my deep and profound realization, I just want to let you know that I am aware of that little red icon that's lit up on my dashboard. It's a special Gangsta icon that lights up when I'm so cool even my car can't stand it.
Okay, it's the airbag warning icon. I set it off earlier this year when I was trying to park in the airport lot. There was a very low square cement pole at the place where you're supposed to turn, and I hit it without seeing it. Well of course I did. It was so low, how could I see it?
I hit this stupid little block so hard that I busted part of the front bumper and set off the first stage of the airbag release thingy. I took it to the mechanic and he said he couldn't fix it, and I would have to go into Jerusalem to get the light turned off. I was like, "I don't think so!" Then I gave him two snaps and a circle.
The bottom line is that IT'S ALL DAVID'S FAULT, because if he wouldn't have gone out of town, I wouldn't have had to pick him up at the airport, ergo I wouldn't have busted my car. Ha. What a funny word. Ergo. Lergo my ergo. Any of you remember those cute Eggo waffle commercials? Mmm, who I wouldn't kill for one of those right now. Were they kosher, even? Who cares? I can't eat them anyway. I'z allergic to things that make my stomach bloat. I think I have carb-itis.
Whoo, boy, I think someone spiked my coffee.
Now, I shall finally reveal my deep and profound realization that was inspired by driving through dirty recycled water with some bubbles added to it just for show, as my car got pounded by the massive rubber brushes and air blowers that could propel someone into outer space. I think my car is traumatized. The air keeps turning on and off by itself, and even when I turn it off it just switches to another mode. It takes me eight button presses to turn it off. And then it turns on again a minute later.
Incidentally, my kids had the BEST time at the car wash! I could have taken them to Disney World and they couldn't have possibly been more excited. They were screaming, running all around the car, climbing into the front seat, and just livin' it up as we be drivin' thru the car wash.
We (yes, we) had so much fun that I've decided to turn it into a weekly activity. You see, the car wash is 10 shekel more if you get at least 150 shek worth of gas, which is like 2 liters. Gas is crazy expensive here. So the new gas station which I've renamed "Mashiach Gas" is running this special until who knows when, so I'm taking advantage.
AND NOW FOR THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT: Have faith! Your prayers will be answered*!
*Exclusion Clause: Hashem knows what we want, but only HE knows if and when it's best for us!
Rebbe Nachman gives us two reasons for not getting what we want: either it's not good for us, or we didn't pray enough. For example: if I pray for a 'round the world cruise, Hashem might not answer my prayer because He knows I could very likely stage a one-woman protest at the end of the cruise by chaining myself to the balcony railing in the Presidential Suite.
But if I pray for my children's success and protection, I have no doubt that He will answer my prayers. In the meantime I have to suffer with their guerrilla-style warfare of throwing large objects at each other from behind the couches, then escaping to the nearest bedroom and slamming the door so hard that it comes off its hinge.
At this point I've given up on reattaching the door. We'll do it when we move. Eventually.
So keep praying for what you want, and G-d willing you shall see your salvation soon! Just be a little patient, alright??
Oh, and I'll try to post a pic of my delicious award-winning shakshuka. With a "recipe," of course. Yeah, right! Recipes are for LOSERS!!