OH MY GAWWWDDDDD, CAN IT BE????
A REAL ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET IN BET SHEMESH?????
THIS IS IT! THE FINAL SIGN OF THE MASHIACH!!
OMG my oldest son just walked up to me and saw this picture and he was like, "What's this?" And I'm like, "Uh, it's just a picture I found for work." Thank G-d I wasn't looking at him, 'cause I'm the worst liar. I get this guilty smile on my face every time I try to lie. It's a special talent Hashem gave me.
Don't worry, I'm going to give you the inside scoop as I finish off this container of oily hummus with some kind of green Mediterranean pesto that's just finger-lickin' good. Wait. Doesn't hummus have carbs? NOOOOOO!!!!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!
Speaking of carbs, listen up. Last week I was meeting with the school guidance counselor at my kids' new school because he's free and I needed some therapy. Dr. Ballen and Rebbetzin Channen were completely booked. Supposedly they were "helping other people." Yeah, right. I just think they didn't want to talk to me. (But really, I don't blame them. Sometimes I don't want to talk to me, either.)
So I'm meeting with this guy and telling him my entire life story, including the story of the pigeon with the broken wing I tried to save when I was 16, and out of the blue he tells me, "You know, Rimon has a great buffet every Friday morning. And it's a good price. You should go with your husband and son."
He totally blindsided me with that comment, because:
1) I was so looking forward to getting analyzed
2) I kinda felt like he wasn't really paying attention to my needs
3) THERE'S AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET IN BET SHEMESH?? ISRAEL???
It took me a minute to compose myself after what felt like his fist hitting my jaw. "AAADRRIAANNNN!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, "THERE'S AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET IN BET SHEMESHHHHH!!!"
Something's wrong with me. I just know it.
As he shooed me out the door, my mind was already imagining the "buffet" at this restaurant. First of all, it's a dairy restaurant. I don't eat no dairy. Second, how good can the buffet be? Don't they know Israelis? Third, who in the world goes to a buffet breakfast on Friday morning?? Don't they have to get ready for Shabbat?? Plus, I have Zumba on Friday mornings!!
This was gonna be a tough call. Zumba... or all-you-can-eat buffet? I actually lost sleep over it.
Eventually, my stomach won out and I agreed to check it out. Well, let me tell you that the line just to get a table was 30 minutes long! And I couldn't see anything from where I stood. I figured because there was only one table with some falafel balls and Israeli salad. Throw in some pita bread and voila! There's your Israeli buffet.
Finally, it was our turn to get a table. As the hostess walked us to the table, my eyes devoured the glorious scene that unfolded itself in front of me. My jaw slowly dropped as I stared in disbelief at the tables and tables of all types of delicacies. I'm talking real food! Tables of 12 types of cheeses, 8 kinds of breads, 35 different salads and roasted vegetables, pasta dishes, egg dishes, and a dessert table loaded with brownies, apple pie, and some kind of hairy looking dessert with cheese on it. There was even *gasp* a guy making pancakes and omelettes!
"Is this really happening?" I wondered as I walked toward the buffet in a daze. I stood there with my empty plate in my hands, not knowing what to do with myself. Much of the stuff I couldn't eat because it was either loaded with dairy or carbs or both. So I focused on filling my stomach with tons of delicious salads and eggs.
Everything was going fantastic. I had made four trips to the buffet, and then David had to open his big mouth. (You knew it was coming, right?)
"Why don't you just have one pancake?" he asked, all concerned for my happiness. What a load of shtuyot. That's "nonsense" in Hebrew. Say it out loud. Shtu-yot. But the yot is not yot like the way you say not. It's almost like saying oat. With a y. Shtew-yoat. Yeah, you got it!
"Go away, Snake with Wicked Advice!" I hissed at him. Bad advice didn't work out so well for Eve, did it.
But the damage was already done. He put that terrible idea in my head, and now I just had to have a pancake. Cursing him under my breath, I made my way to Omelette Man with butterflies in my stomach. I felt like I was about to do a really bad thing and I was going to get caught by someone with a hidden camera hiding under the pancake station.
I stood there, my knees shaking in anticipation, anxiously waiting for the pancakes to finish cooking. Just the smell was driving me insane. Now before I continue, I'd like to say in my defense that these pancakes were little silver dollar-sized pancakes. They were not American-sized, okay? Just keep that in mind.
When the pancakes were finished, he quickly flipped them into a little basket, then enjoyed watching six people push and shove each other as they reached in with their bare hands to grab those scalding hot little circles of Heaven. I managed to grab two for myself and gleefully skipped back to my table, looking down at my pancakes drenched in maple syrup as intently as y'all look down at your smartphones when you're crossing the street.
I sat down and asked David to capture this big moment on camera. Of course he didn't, because he was too lazy to take pictures. But now I bet you he wishes he did! I took one bite and.... I heard the angels singing in shamayim! Heavenly spotlights were soaring through the clouds as my taste buds fainted from sheer ecstasy!
It was quite a moment. I don't know if I'll be able to re-live that moment. It was so special.
As soon as I finished my second pancake I jumped up and headed off. "Where are you going?" Mr. Innocent asked me. "Listen, Snake, you seduced me into taking a bite of that pancake, and now I'm hooked. Now pay the bill and disappear." Yeah, I showed him.
I showed him how I could devour 40 pancakes in less than 5 minutes. By the time I was done, Pancake Man and I were BFF's. We even bought one of those split heart necklace charms that we would each wear forever and ever.
All in all, it was a magical experience.
But here's the really funny/sad part. Everyone I spoke to during the following week, I excitedly told about this buffet. And every single person knew about it already!! Every! Single! PERSON!!!
I've never felt so betrayed in my life.
And I thought they were my friends.
I'm sure you're fed up of reading by now, so I'll share with you my point. Actually, I could keep writing, but I've run out of things to say.
My point is this: the Geula is happening right under our noses. Current events are just beyond crazy, especially for people who don't understand that they're actually the Redemption in action. And when it finally happens, they'll be just as shocked as I was. Maybe even more so.
This whole experience brought to life the saying that the Redemption will happen suddenly. It sure will, for those people who aren't ready for it. But if you make it a daily anticipation, you won't have to wonder why no one told you.
G-d I'm so mad at everyone!!
I can't wait 'til this Friday!
p.s.- If you want the inside scoop on the Redemption, stick around for Rav Brody's weekly Emuna News roundups and constant current events updates! You won't get this perspective anywhere else! I promise!