Lazer Beams

Chronic "Borrowers" and Unpaid Debts

Dear Rabbi Brody,

My next-door neighbor is constantly borrowing things - a pint of milk here, a couple eggs there, etc. etc. Sometimes - especially before Shabbos or a holiday - she knocks on my door three times a day. Each time, her request is "minor", but the stuff adds up to tens of dollars every month, because she "forgets" to return what she borrows. My husband is a grad student, and we're certainly not wealthy, so we feel the loss. I'm careful about telling the truth, so I don't want to say, "sorry, I don't have what you need" when I really have it in my cupboards. I'm building up a lot of inner frustration and animosity toward the neighbor, yet I'm afraid to ruin the peace. Would should I do? Thank you, D.W., Ohio

Dear D.W.,

First of all, as a rule of thumb and good practice, always write down what you lend a person, the exact amount or item, and the date...

A gentle reprimand will release the pent-up frustration. When you don't express yourself, as you yourself have seen, you accumulate animosity. The Torah forbids us to harbor hate in our hearts toward another person. The only way to avoid the hate trap is to tell your neighbor - gently but candidly - exactly how you feel.

The next time your neighbor shows up, invite her for a cup of coffee, sit her down, and explain that according to religious law, one who fails to return a loan is called a wicked person. All the crying and chest-beating in synagogue on Yom Kippur can't rectify the crime of one unreturned potato. Also, the Zohar says that a person cannot achieve his or her rightful place in heaven unless they've repayed all outstanding debts. A person must suffer an entire reincarnation for a debt of a few pennies or more, and who says that your next go-round on this earth isn't going to be twenty times worse that this go-round? Also, religious law requires that a loan should be given only upon signing an IOU in front of two witnesses. Why? Many times people conveniently "forget" the money and/or items that they owe others.

Finally, explain to your neighbor that with all good intentions, you and your husband simply can't afford to be a free-aid society to the entire neighborhood. Unless the neighbor repays and returns all her outstanding debts, tell her that you won't be able to continue lending, for her own good.

If the neighbor accepts what you say, you will have done her a phenominal spiritual favor in this world and in the next. If she walks out in a huff, then at least she won't have the chutzpa to continue asking for things. Either way, you're the winner, and you've taken the load off your chest. The important thing is to avoid negative feelings toward another human at all costs. With blessings always, LB

Up Tight?

Have a wonderful, relaxing, and fulfilling Shabbat Va'era.

What happened to my prayers?

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

I was assigned the name of a soldier so I could personally pray for him. I just found out that he has been seriously wounded, but it least his life isn't in danger. I feel terrible, as if I didn't do my job. If I would have prayed better, maybe he wouldn't have been wounded. I feel eaten up with guilt. Please help me. RS from Israel

 Dear RS,

The Yetzer Hara (evil inclination) is telling you all this garbage. Without your prayers, the soldier might have been killed. Your prayers probably saved his life. The Yetzer is a worse liar than the Hamas, and he tells good people like you that you are the villain when the exact opposite is true. Your prayers have been a beautiful expression of care for another human and for our people Israel with no expectation of reward in return. You have every reason to feel good about yourself for you have done a pure and lofty mitzva. Hashem is proud of you and so are we. Blessings always, LB

Executive Insomnia

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I'm the only Jewish female executive in my company (finance). If I always worked under pressure, then now - with the recessive economy and 1/3 of our staff laid off - I now work under phenomenal pressure. I can't sleep at night, thinking about whether I've made the right decisions for my clients and the best for my company. I'm afraid of sleeping pills, but I'm so tired and edgy lately. My boyfriend terminated our relationship, complaining that my career monopolizes my time and strength. Please give me some urgent advice. Signed, Baggy Eyes

Dear Baggy Eyes,

The rigors of your profession stress your brain yet shortchange your body. After work, change into your most comfortable walking clothes, and walk briskly for sixty minutes. Once you burn a few hundred calories exercising, you can eat whatever you like, but please, no junk food! Listen to your favorite instrumental mood music while taking a luxurious bath, and don't forget to add a cup of baking soda to your bath water. As bedtime approaches, curl up in bed with a glass of chamomile tea and your favorite book. I suggest you read The Garden of Emuna and The Trail to Tranquility. Soon, your eyelids will feel like barbells.

Now that you turn off the lights, don't be afraid of the recurring worries. Remember, the mind can move quickly from thought to thought, but can only focus on one thought at a time. If your brain acts like an undisciplined horse, remember that you hold the reins. Force the "horse" to go in the direction you choose. I suggest you make a nightly inventory of thanks. Begin by thanking the Almighty for each limb, organ and appendage of your body. Stop and think how difficult life would be without your eyesight, hearing, sense of smell, etc. Express your appreciation for each heartbeat and every breath. As your thanks progress from head to toe, before you reach your eighth rib, you'll be sound asleep with no pills.

As for losing your boyfriend, don't worry; someone more worthy is waiting for you. You've been spending the bulk of your time in the fast lane of a highly competitive, demanding, and dry men's world with little compassion, so you need to return some femininity to yourself. Commit to the mitzvah of lighting Shabbat candles every week, and immediate after lighting the candles, ask Hashem for whatever you want. Also, learn how to bake challas. If your apartment had the smell of fresh-baked challas on Friday afternoon, no man in his right mind will ever let you go. By the way, I've never seen a divorce in a family that eats home-baked challas.

Let G-d worry about Wall Street and the Chicago futures market. Once you've put forward your best effort, leave the anxiety in the office. If you stick to the above advice, within thirty days, Miss Baggy Eyes will look ten years younger. Blessings always, LB

Nasty Flashbacks of the Past

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

I'm sure if I wrote my biography, it would be a million-copy bestseller. In college, I went out with three different guys a week. Let's put it this way - there's not much I didn't do. With perfect poetic justice, I was diagnosed with breast cancer the week after I graduated. To make a long story short, I had a mastectomy. My doctor then urged me to have a contralateral prophylactic mastectomy. So here I was with the banner headlines of my once gorgeous body gone forever.

Really, that's when my happiness started. I turned to Hashem and became a complete baalas teshuva doing my best to repent for all my sins. I attended a seminar for newly observant young women like myself and loved every second of it. My teachers and the other girls were phenominal. Two years later, I was introduced to a wonderful guy from a Baal Teshuva Yeshiva who scrapped a successful electrical engineering career in order to learn Torah. I told him straight away that I wasn't packing The Manufacturer's standard equipment. He didn't care. I told him that I might have difficulty getting pregnant, but he also didn't care. "We'll both pray harder," he said with a smile.

Anyway, I've been married for four years now and we already have two children. My shalom bayis is the greatest, and my husband is not only the kindest, most gentle and loving person a woman could dream for, but he's fast becoming an giant in Torah learning. You wouldn't believe his humility despite his talents.

So what's my problem, Rabbi Lazer? Ever since I did teshuva, I've been doing everything possible to cleanse myself of the old sins, including saying Tikkun Klali every day, being super meticulous in the modesty of my appearance and head covering, exacting about every detail of kedusha (holiness - LB) above and beyond the basic laws of family purity, even guarding my eyes from looking at other men. Yet recently, I've been getting nasty flashbacks of the past during my most intimate time with my husband. You can't imagine my anguish and sorrow. I've been begging to Hashem every day to wipe the images of other men and my old sinning self off of my heart. I do an hour of hitbodedut every day. Yet nothing has helped. Am I so far from Hashem and teshuva that these flashbacks have returned to torment me? Why all of a sudden after a full two or three years that I didn't think about them? Rabbi Lazer, I'm sorry for this long letter and I know you're super busy, but I feel you're the only one that can understand me. I just can't spill my past out to any rabbi. Please help me. With deepest appreciation, Chani from Israel

Dear Chani,

I am really touched by your letter. Don't fret, everything is for the very best as you'll soon see. Not only does Hashem love you, but I guarantee you that you are one of His favorite daughters.

First, you ask about the nasty flashbacks, "Why all of a sudden after a full two or three years that I didn't think about them?" Rebbe Nachman of Breslev explains this clearly in Likutei Moharan (Part 1, Torah 25), namely, that when a person ascends to a higher spiritual level, he is bombarded with lusts and/or fantasies that he thought he had already overcome.

True, at your previous spiritual level, you had overcome the old garbage and had properly done teshuva. But, at your new spiritual level, you have to do more hard work to further cleanse the tiny blemishes that are still on your soul. In simple terms, you're now playing in a higher, more demanding league. You think you have digressed, but the opposite is true. You have made and are making fabulous spiritual progress.

Second, you anguish in seeing these nasty flashbacks is in itself a lofty form of teshuva. When they actually happened, you wantonly enjoyed every minute of what was going on. Now, when you see the same images, you are deeply disgusted and embarrassed. Rest assured that your anguish and embarrassment are better than a beautiful sin offering in the altar of our Holy Temple, may it be rebuilt soon, amen.

Chani, serve Hashem happily. Prayers with a song and smile are on a much higher level than prayers with tears. Just keep doing what you're doing, strengthen your emuna always, and you can forget about the nasty flashbacks. With your kind permission, I'll publish this letter (not revealing anything that might give away your true identity), and you'll have the merit of anyone that derives chizuk (strength) from it. With blessings always, LB

Don't Ignore the Dent

30 Oct., 2008

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I enjoy your teachings, especially the effect that The Trail to Tranquility has had on my husband, who is much calmer and nicer since he read your book. So, this is the first time I am writing to you for personal help.

Lately, I've been accident prone. I have a one year-old Toyota, and lately I seem to be making little mistakes all the time - parking the car in the rain and dark, and bumping the rear of the car into a pole; rushing while driving my children to music lessons, and the tire hit the curb and the tire cover popped off; pulling out into traffic, and I lightly grazed a fence and now have a streak on the side of the car.

None of these incidents involved harming myself, anyone else, or anyone else's car (thank G-d!), they are purely incidents of damage that I have done - completely inadvertently, but clearly, something is going on! I was actually distressed by how nice  my husband has been - I thought he should yell at me and tell me to be more careful, slow down, why aren't you taking better care of our car?  But he has been downright kind!

I've prayed for help in understanding what these small, but clearly repetitive, mistakes mean, but I haven't received any answers. In your opinion, what should I do?

In general, B"H, I am modern Orthodox, 38 years old, married happily for 15 years to a better-than-ever husband, we have 4 beautiful daughters, and we are blessed with an adequate income. I am grateful for all of these blessings, and in general, I am a happy person. This is the one area I need help with. With appreciation for your advice and help, Suzanne R., Midwest USA

* * * * *

B"H, 31 Oct., 2008

Dear Suzanne,

These are personal wake-up calls from Hashem to catch your attention. The dents in the car (blemishes in the machine's outer appearance) indicate that you have things to fix in your outer appearance. Without knowing you personally, I'd say that the repeated mishaps are probably a call to improve your modesty in dress and head covering. Blessings always, LB

* * * * *

23 Nov., 2008

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I want to thank you for your note from October 31st. You had no way of knowing this, but I hadn't been covering my hair at all. After I received your note, it all fell into place: I decided it was time to buy some head-coverings.

The next day when I drove home from work with my head covered for the first time, I had a co-worker with me. As soon as I entered the highway, she said, "Slow down! The speed limit on this road it 50, not 60, and you might get a ticket." I felt Hashem's love and protection being channelled through my friend, and I immediately relaxed and drove more slowly.  Thank G-d, I haven't had any incidents with the car since.

So thank you very much for your advice. It helped me a great deal. Most sincerely, Suzanne

College Crossroads

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I am a 20-year-old college sophomore in the US, and lately I have been worrying about whether or not I am on the right path in life. I know I'm still young, but I feel I am ready to be married and start a family, and I live somewhere with very few Jewish males, none of whom are particularly religious. While I've always pictured myself as finishing college, lately I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. I was always an excellent student but lately I have been having a very difficult time finishing assignments because my mind is elsewhere, and even so, the liberal arts program I'm in is not likely to lead to many career opportunities. Also, so unbelievably many random things keep going wrong, making it more difficult to continue in school, and I don't know whether to take this as a sign from Hashem that maybe I should head in a different direction, or just as another challenge in life to overcome. I don't want to waste any more time if this is not what I should be doing with my life, and end up unmarried, having wasted what should be an exciting time in life on unfruitful studes. Should I spend at least the next two and a half years finishing my BA degree, or is it time to change directions? I would greatly appreciate any advice you might offer. Thank you so much for your time.

Wishing you happiness always like you make others happy,
Alicia in the western USA

Dear Alicia,

Good girl - you've done a good job of understanding the messages that Hashem has sent you. It's definitely time for you to seriously search for the right person and to raise a family.

The restlessness in your soul is straight from Hashem. A liberal arts program in a university is a waste of your valuable time and money. As far as a livelihood goes, you can take one of many inexpensive aptitude tests available on the web, determine a skill you like, and then pursue a six-month occupational course, such as computers, graphic design, dental tech, or whatever. So, I recommend that you check out of university, move to an area where there are Jewish studies for women your age, and then simultaneously strengthen your Judaism and acquire an occupational skill.

On the other hand, my blue-chip advice for you would be to come to Israel, enroll in a women's seminar for Jewish Studies such as Midreshet Beerot Bat Ayin which I'm sure you'll love, or EYHAT (Aish Hatora women's seminary) or Neve Yerushalayim as possible alternatives. That way you'll be able to strengthen your Judaism and find the exact guy you want. You'll be a smashing success, G-d willing. May Hashem bless you and lead you in the right path. Feel free to write. With blessings, LB

The 2-minute anti-depression plan

Depressed? Worried? Anxious? Stressed out? Here's a fool-proof plan to help you feel 1000% better in 2 short minutes, without the aid of drugs, pills, or any other artificial substance, and with no need to leave your office or the room where your computer is located:

Follow the following instructions:

1) Remove your shoes.

2) Stand up, and take 3 deep breaths.

3) Click here.

4) Let yourself loose and begin 2 minutes of aerobics (what Chassidim call a Kazzatzke - all you need is about 10 square feet of empty floor space).

5) If you have the stamina, repeat the above cycle for longer-lasting joy.

Happiness gives you a direct line to holiness. Caught your breath? Good - now click on the music link and start dancing all over again.

Feel better? You bet!

Music by Breslev's outstanding clarinetist Chillik Frank, played in Miron this past Lag B'Omer.

The Husband's Ten Commandments

Dear Rabbi Brody,
I'm not a religious person, nor am I Jewish, but I've been a fan of your blog for almost 3 years now and feel so much better about myself ever since. Anyway, I'm going to be married in 3 weeks after 36 years of bachelorhood. I remember reading somewhere about someone who asked a Jewish wise man to teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot, and I guess I'm asking you for the same thing. Even so, could you please give me a few general guidelines for insuring future happiness in marriage? I appreciate your time and attention. Tom S., North Carolina

Dear Tom,

First off, I suggest you read Rabbi Shalom Arush's new book that I had the privilege to translate, The Garden of Peace. You won't be sorry.

In answer to your question, yes, there are some basic guidelines that work for any marriage, despite religious or cultural background. If you follow these simple points, you'll have a happy wife and your relationship will blossom. Real love comes with real commitment, and that begins only after you've taken the vows. Here are a few pointers that have never failed (if you follow them, I'll guarantee you a happy home until you and your wife reach 120):

1. Never criticize your wife, no matter what. In an environment free of criticism, she'll blossom emotionally, and she'll do everything in her power to please you, so ultimately, you won't have anything to criticize.
2. Never make a negative remark about her parents or family. Call your inlaws once a week. If you develop a good relationship with them, your wife will forever hold you in high regard.
3. Never say "no" to your wife; if she asks for something that you can't afford, tell her you'll get it for her as soon as you have the money.
4. Spend a minimum of 30 minutes a day listening to your wife - not talking, just listening. Show her that her life is important to you. If possible, you should set aside an hour a day for quality communication time together (sitting in front of the TV with beer and pretzels is not quality communication time!).
5. Make her first-priority in your life, above everyone else. 
6. Agree on a mutually-acceptable third party (a clergyman you trust, etc.) to air your differences.
7. Never say a derogatory word about your wife to anyone.
8. If your wife is displeased with you, don't be angry; she's your mirror and she's reflecting you. It's also usually a sign that The Almighty is displeased with you. Rather than arguing with her, do some soul-searching, mend your fences, and you'll see how things work out for the best.
9. Smile always, and try your best to speak softly to her always. Nothing makes a wife nervous like an angry husband.
10. The more you develop your emuna (complete faith in G-d) and your trust in G-d, the more you'll develop inner strength. Wives love nothing more than a husband with inner strength that they can lean on. They hate when their husbands are emotional weaklings that lean on them. Emuna makes you strong.

I guess you can call the above list "The ten commandments for a husband". Thanks to you, Tom, we've finally written them down. I wish you and your bride all the happiness in the world. Blessings always, LB

Big Business, or Why ask a Rabbi?

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I'm an experienced retailer, and until 3 years ago, enjoyed a six-figure-plus income. Lately, whatever business I try turns sour. My neighbor, an orthodox Jew, suggested that I write you and ask for advice, a blessing, or both. I understand the blessing part, but why ask for your advice? Are you a Wharton MBA? Do you understand about business? What's this middle-ages gunk of running to a rabbi for every little thing? I'm not being a wise guy, I just want to know. Yours, Ralph from Detroit

Dear Ralph,

No, I don't have an MBA from Wharton, but I do understand about business. You see, I'm sort of a broker; I help people invest their lives in those endeavors that pay the best dividends. I also help arrange deals between small businessmen like you and between a major investor who'd be interested in helping you succeed. You see, as an orthodox rabbi, I represent a firm with unlimited capital and vast multinational resources. Therefore, people ask for my advice from all over the world.

I don't solicit new business, and I certainly won't be upset if you don't seek my assistance, because I'm already up to my eyeballs in an ever-increasing pile of mail, that I try my best to answer the same day. To be honest, I'm not that bright, but the Chairman of the Board of the firm I represent likes my performance, so He fulfills almost any promise I make to people. You see, the Chairman of the Board does whatever He wishes whenever He wishes; it's His power and brains that I depend on, not my own. So, in effect, when you ask me - or any other qualified rabbi who dedicates his life to helping people - a question, you're really getting the answer from the Chairman of the Board. That way, you end up succeeding in whatever you do. So, if your business has had tough times the last couple of years, you won't lose anything by asking a qualified rabbi. People that don't ask questions, and that rely on their own brainpower, often make mistakes, and mistakes carry a big price tag.

By the way,  I can arrange for you to meet the Chairman of the Board at your convenience - you can pick the time and the place. You can even call Him by his nickname - "Hashem". Best wishes for your success, Lazer Brody