Lazer Beams

Chronic "Borrowers" and Unpaid Debts

Dear Rabbi Brody,

My next-door neighbor is constantly borrowing things - a pint of milk here, a couple eggs there, etc. etc. Sometimes - especially before Shabbos or a holiday - she knocks on my door three times a day. Each time, her request is "minor", but the stuff adds up to tens of dollars every month, because she "forgets" to return what she borrows. My husband is a salaried employee and we're certainly not wealthy, so we feel the loss. I'm careful about telling the truth, so I don't want to say, "sorry, I don't have what you need" when I really have it in my cupboards. I'm building up a lot of inner frustration and animosity toward the neighbor, yet I'm afraid to ruin the peace. Would should I do? Thank you, D.W., Brooklyn

Dear D.W.,

First of all, as a rule of thumb and good practice, always write down what you lend a person, the exact amount or item, and the date...

A gentle reprimand will release the pent-up frustration. When you don't express yourself, as you yourself have seen, you accumulate animosity. The Torah forbids us to harbor hate in our hearts toward another person. The only way to avoid the hate trap is to tell your neighbor - gently but candidly - exactly how you feel.

The next time your neighbor shows up, invite her for a cup of coffee, sit her down, and explain that according to religious law, one who fails to return a loan is called a wicked person. All the crying and chest-beating in synagogue on Yom Kippur can't rectify the crime of one unreturned potato. Also, the Zohar says that a person cannot achieve his or her rightful place in heaven unless they've repayed all outstanding debts. A person must suffer an entire reincarnation for a debt of a few pennies or more, and who says that your next go-round on this earth isn't going to be twenty times worse that this go-round? Also, religious law requires that a loan should be given only upon signing an IOU in front of two witnesses. Why? Many times people conveniently "forget" the money and/or items that they owe others.

Finally, explain to your neighbor that with all good intentions, you and your husband simply can't afford to be a free-aid society to the entire neighborhood. Unless the neighbor repays and returns all her outstanding debts, tell her that you won't be able to continue lending, for her own good.

If the neighbor accepts what you say, you will have done her a phenominal spiritual favor in this world and in the next. If she walks out in a huff, then at least she won't have the chutzpa to continue asking for things. Either way, you're the winner, and you've taken the load off your chest. The important thing is to avoid negative feelings toward another human at all costs.

If you don't want to confront the neighbor, you can always deduct whatever she borrowed from your maaser (tithe) money, but then you must forgive her with a complete heart. Yet, if she goes back to borrowing from you with no intention of returning things, that's probably not a good idea. With blessings always, LB

Happy With Yourself

With Hashem's loving grace, I'm going to teach you how to be happy with yourself in less than two minutes. Satisfaction guaranteed!

The Real Deal

Some people think that the spiritual advice we give is rosy pie-in-the-sky; others listen, and realize that it's the real deal. Check out what Itzie from LA has to say:

"My name is Itzie and I live in Los Angeles. I am a religious Jew who grew up in a not-so religious background. I have recently become fond of your teachings through your website and through torahanytimes website and i must say that i enjoy them very very much. Your teachings come from love and have filled a tiny hole in my heart that I couldn't seem to fill on my own. I am a married father of 4 for 8 years now. My wife and I have had good times but mostly tough times and many times I felt like I couldn't continue in the marriage anymore...

"But recently I heard you tell a story of a wife that emailed you saying that without reason, she can't seem to understand why she has recently had a feeling of hatred towards her husband. You then related that you asked the husband to call you and you discovered that he has been viewing inappropriate things on line on his home computer. At that point I realized that maybe that's whats happening to me as I always had that problem as well. Actually it was never really a problem that i struggled with because i convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with it. Whats wrong with just looking at a picture i thought. But after hearing your advice to him, I told myself "What do you have to lose - try for one week not to look at anything inappropriate and see if it helps with anything".

"Rabbi Lazer Brody, I am emailing you 3 weeks since the beginning of my experiment and after 8 years of marriage, I am happy to report that my shalom bayis has DRAMATICALLY improved. True i need more work but at least i found a path thanks to you. Your advice really works!"

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During these weeks of "Shovevim", any tiny improvement in personal holiness counts big upstairs. All of us have room to improve in guarding our eyes and polishing up our modesty. And it works, because it's the real deal. Wait and see the improvement not only in your marriage, but in your income too.

Executive Insomnia

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I'm the only Jewish female executive in my company (finance). If I always worked under pressure, then now - with the recessive economy and 1/3 of our staff laid off - I now work under phenomenal pressure. I can't sleep at night, thinking about whether I've made the right decisions for my clients and the best for my company. I'm afraid of sleeping pills, but I'm so tired and edgy lately. My boyfriend terminated our relationship, complaining that my career monopolizes my time and strength. Please give me some urgent advice. Signed, Baggy Eyes

Dear Baggy Eyes,

The rigors of your profession stress your brain yet shortchange your body. After work, change into your most comfortable walking clothes, and walk briskly for sixty minutes. Once you burn a few hundred calories exercising, you can eat whatever you like, but please, no junk food! Listen to your favorite instrumental mood music while taking a luxurious bath, and don't forget to add a cup of baking soda to your bath water. As bedtime approaches, curl up in bed with a glass of chamomile tea and your favorite book. I suggest you read The Garden of Emuna and The Trail to Tranquility. Soon, your eyelids will feel like barbells.

Now that you turn off the lights, don't be afraid of the recurring worries. Remember, the mind can move quickly from thought to thought, but can only focus on one thought at a time. If your brain acts like an undisciplined horse, remember that you hold the reins. Force the "horse" to go in the direction you choose. I suggest you make a nightly inventory of thanks. Begin by thanking the Almighty for each limb, organ and appendage of your body. Stop and think how difficult life would be without your eyesight, hearing, sense of smell, etc. Express your appreciation for each heartbeat and every breath. As your thanks progress from head to toe, before you reach your eighth rib, you'll be sound asleep with no pills.

As for losing your boyfriend, don't worry; someone more worthy is waiting for you. You've been spending the bulk of your time in the fast lane of a highly competitive, demanding, and dry men's world with little compassion, so you need to return some femininity to yourself. Commit to the mitzvah of lighting Shabbat candles every week, and immediate after lighting the candles, ask Hashem for whatever you want. Also, learn how to bake challas. If your apartment had the smell of fresh-baked challas on Friday afternoon, no man in his right mind will ever let you go. By the way, I've never seen a divorce in a family that eats home-baked challas.

Let G-d worry about Wall Street and the Chicago futures market. Once you've put forward your best effort, leave the anxiety in the office. If you stick to the above advice, within thirty days, Miss Baggy Eyes will look ten years younger. Blessings always, LB

Marrying a Niece or Cousin

Dear Rabbi Brody, am I allowed according to Halacha to marry my niece or my cousin? Would there be any medical or genetic dangers? Thank you, NK from the Great Neck area

Dear NK,

Your superb question is mentioned in the Gemara, tractate Yevamot, 62b, on the bottom of the page. Indeed, our sages both encourage and bless anyone that marries a niece. Rashi states that the Gemara is referring specifically to the daughter of a sister; since a man naturally loves his sister, says Rashi, he will have a special affection for a wife who is the daughter of his sister. The Tosephot argue as follows: Rabbenu Tam agrees with Rashi, and says that the mitzva is to marry the daughter of a sister specifically (more than a brother), because the daughter of a sister will bring her husband good fortune and sons who resemble the father. The Rashbam disagrees with Rashi and with Rabbenu Tam, and says that marrying the daughter of a brother is just as good a mitzva as marrying the daughter of a sister. The Rambam, in agreement with the rationale of the Rashbam stipulates (Hilchot Issure Beia, 2:14), that it's a "mitzvat khakhamim", a rabbinical ordnance, to marry a niece, whether she's the daughter of a sister or a brother. As far as practical Halacha goes, The Rama rules that Ikar HaDin (Principle Halacha) is, "It's a mitzva to marry the daughter of a sister", then adds, "There are those who say that it is also a mitzva to marry the daughter of a brother. (See Shulkhan Oruch, Even Ezer 2:6)." In other words, the Rama tends to agree with Rashi and Rabbenu Tam, but doesn't ignore the Rashbam.

As far as the second half of your question, the Melitzer Rebbe shlit'a in the name of his grandfather, the holy Shatzer Rov of blessed and saintly memory, that ever since Abraham married his niece Sarah, there has been a blessing among Jews for marrying nieces. Also, the Shatzer Rov wrote that the doctor's warnings about hemophilia and other genetic or medical flaws as in the case of the European monarchies does not apply to a family that observes halacha, most specifically, family purity and refraining from forbidden relations. In short, if you have a worthy niece, whether the daughter of a brother or a sister, you are allowed to marry her; not only that, but you will merit the blessings of our sages from the Gemara. In any event, I strongly urge to test for Tay-Sach's disease before you even begin approaching the prospective match.

As far as cousins go, the Shatzer Rov (see "Or Ganuz, parshat Mattot/Massaei) says that whenever the Torah says "good", according to esoteric tradition and the Arizal, there is an eternal blessing. Hashem told Moshe Rabbenu to tell the daughters of Tslophkhod to marry their cousins (see Bamidbar 36: 5-13), and the Torah says "tov" about it (ibid, verse 6). From here, the Shatzer Rov zatza"l says it's very good to marry a cousin. If it worked for Bnot Tslophkhod, it'll work for you. It's worth noting that quite a few of the Melitzer Rebbe's 12 children are happily married to cousins. It saves a lot of headaches in shidduchim, because you already know the family, the prospective soul mate, and there're much fewer surprises. Let me know the good news. With Blessings always, LB

Mother-in-law's too high expectations

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I have written to you before and you have been so helpful in the past. Perhaps you can advise me now. I underwent surgery about 2 weeks ago and I am now recovering at home and doing well, baruch Hashem. My son and daughter in law called me at the hospital every day. But now that I am home I only hear from them every 5 or 6 days. My son works 5 days a week and they have 4 wonderful young children. I am trying very hard not to feel as if they are not interested in my daily progress, but, to tell you the truth, that is how I do feel. I have tried to give the benefit of the doubt... but it is not working. Please help me. With thanks, Frida from Flatbush

B"H Dear Frida,

The more you have expectations, the more you are disappointed (see The Trail to Tranquility, pp. 55-56). You have lots of free time while you're recovering, but your son and daughter in law are up-to-the-eyeballs busy raising children and making a living. One cannot attain happiness from self-indulgence or dependency on others. When you were hospitalized, your son and daughter in-law were on high alert so they called every day out of concern; but, one can't be on high alert perpetually. On a routine basis, it's terrific for a daughter in law to call every 5 days! Thank Hashem for your marvelous good fortune rather than complain. You are blessed, so be happy! It's important to judge others fairly. Would you believe that many women complain to me that their daughters in-law call them less than once a month? You are indeed a lucky woman. Don't ever forget that Hashem does everything for the best. Blessings and a speedy recovery, LB

Dear Rabbi Brody,

WOW! your letter was great. I guess I needed some strong and on target words from  you, Rabbi. What a mitzvah you had. I cannot thank you enough. I printed out this letter and put it on my refrigerator door. Perhaps you might consider a book related to questions people have asked you over the years and your wonderful responses. Thanks so much, Frida

To Beard or not to Beard

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

You might laugh at this question, but here goes anyway: I became religious three years ago, and thank G-d, my wife is cooperating (shabbos, kashrus, mikva, etc., although she still doesn't cover her hair). A year ago, I began learning Breslev books and I love them. I also own most of your CDs and live by them - they've helped me tremendously. Two months ago, I came to hear your lecture in Dallas; maybe you remember me - I'm the person that told you that your beard and payis are outrageously cool. After your talk, I was driving home with my wife and without thinking I told her that I would love to look like Rabbi Lazer Brody - a guy who's not ashamed to walk anywhere as a proud Jew, even here in Texas. She went beserk, and told me that if I change my appearance, she's out the door. We then had a war, and I'm still picking up the pieces. What do I do?

With respect and admiration, Mike from the Dallas area

Dear Mike,

Slow down, partner. Your wife is right - no change in your appearance at this point! As it is, shaving with an electric razor (in other words, not shaving with a blade razor) is a tremendous mitzva. Religious law doesn't require a Jew to look like me. When you're spiritually ready for a change, your wife will encourage it. Meanwhile, cherish her and respect her, because if you upset her, her mitzva observance might faulter, Heaven forbid. Look at her great points - she's observing Shabbat, keeping a kosher house, and going to mikva. Thousands of other men that aspire to have observant homes would be jealous of you.

In her eyes, you - as a baal tshuva - represent observant Judaism. If you're a kind, considerate, and loving husband, she'll want to please you and she'll cover her hair. If not, don't be surprised if she takes a slide, and it will be your fault. So have patience, my man, and polish up your Torah learning, your praying, and your knowledge of religious law, and your treatment of her. Make anger and criticism worse in your eyes than pork, and treat your wife with love and constant respect, no matter what. If you sincerely want to be a beard and payis chossid, don't worry; you'll get there - together with your wife when she decides to cover her hair.

Now, for first aid, take her out to the Glatt Indian restaurant, buy her flowers, and apologize for arguing. Then, you can invite me to your next bris or kiddush. Hope to see you again this coming November - we're planning to be back in Texas, G-d willing.

With blessings always, Lazer Brody