Happy post-Yom Kippur! How was your fast? Not that you care, but I'll tell you about mine in a minute. But first, I'd like to share this hysterical and very appropriate picture that Rebbetzin Channen just shared with me.
Aside from being absolutely true, this picture gave me a whole new insight into Yom Kippur. I'd just like to say that if Sunny I sat on that chair right now, it might groan and the legs might start bending in agony until it collapses and dies of suffocation. Now I'll share the incredible chiddush (insight) I got, direct from Shamayim about the meaning of Yom Kippur.
And before you get all mad at me, realize that this is a joke. And go eat something.
WHY did Hashem stick Yom Kippur between Rosh Hashana and the rest of the holidays?
BECAUSE He wanted us to fast so we'd reset our metabolisms so we wouldn't gain so much weight that we'd tilt the world off its axis!
Okay, it was a bad joke. Really. Bad.
I bet you Jackie Mason could have made it funny, though.
So now I'll tell you about my Yom Kippur, because I'm sensing that you can't handle the suspense anymore. But before I begin, I'd like to say that there's nothing I enjoy more than mopping the floor, doing laundry, dishes, straightening up the house, and feeding other people before I feed myself right after I finish a nearly 26-hour fast.
You like how I did that? Added suspense on top of suspense?
My husband and I were doing comparisons, more like arguing actually, over who had the harder day. We're very competitive, he and I. While I didn't spend my day in a prayer marathon like he did, I was doing my best to fight off my massive caffeine headache and cold while trying not to yell at my kids by hiding under my bed most of the day.
That wasn't so easy, because there's only an inch of space between my bed and the floor, and my a/c unit decided to keep on going all day long because somebody thinks he lives in Antarctica. It was f-f-f-freeeezzziiing in my bedroom! Doesn't David realize that I don't have whale blubber as insulation? Does he even know what I look like?
Anyhow, it's not like it's that hard for my kids to find me. I'm not exactly in the west wing of the mansion, after all. I should learn to lock the door. All in all, I prayed for about five minutes. At least, I think I prayed. Does yelling repeatedly at the ceiling, "G-d help me!" count?
In between reading books and breaking up fights and trying not to drool on the food that I served my kids, I managed to close my eyes for a few minutes here and there. Actually, come to think of it, the drooling wasn't so bad this year. The day before, I ate - and I'm not exaggerating - FIVE slices of pizza and THREE cinnamon buns. Fo' serious! In reality I was so thankful for the fast because I was suffering from the type of regret that only comes with doing something you really, really... regret.
Amazingly, by the end of the day, I was so spiritually charged that this deep spiritual thought came to me. Like ruach hakodesh. Divine inspiration, light-headedness, whatever. No difference for my purposes. I'm almost a prophet at this point.
But really, this post does have a point, and it's hidden in the gematria of Yom Kippur. Get ready for a chiddush that'll knock you off your broken scales!
Yom Kippur = Intermittent Fasting!!
Seriously, where's my Nobel prize already. I'm getting impatient. Nobody likes an impatient Iraqi.
So here's the deal about intermittent fasting. It's a fantastic way to supercharge your metabolism, detox, lower your blood pressure, help cure diabetes, lose weight when you've hit a wall, and can even be used as an important part of curing cancer, lo aleinu.
I absolutely love this website, which includes tons of info on intermittent fasting.
Now we don't have to pull a Yom Kippur every week, so don't get scared. I fast every day. Here's how I do it: I try not to eat after 7 or 8 pm, and then don't eat again until about 1 pm the next day at the earliest. Now before you write me off as completely crazy, here's how you can "eat" and still call it fasting: I drink a coffee and add stevia and a splash of milk. I also take MCT or coconut oil in the morning, which gives me tons of calories and energy so I can hit the gym like nobody's business.
That combo plus working out keeps me from being hungry until at least noon. And I drink tons of water.
There are many ways to fast, and you should check out the link above to learn more about it. The minimum amount of time you want to go without food is 12 hours.
Oh, and there are people that should not be fasting under any circumstances, or only under a doctor's supervision. Refer to the link to find the guidelines.
Enough with this nonsense. I can't wait for Sukkot already because I'm making a full Thanksgiving-style turkey dinner!! I'm so excited!! All of you lucky people that are coming to my house had better start fasting from today, 'cause we gonna go downtown to Chinatown!