Lazer Beams

Amalek and Linda

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I really don't trust anyone - especially rabbis - but somehow I do trust you. I hope you can help me, especially since nobody else seems to be able to. I'm seventeen and I've been religious all my life - now all I want is to drop the whole religion business. Sure, I still believe in God - it's not like I think Torah isn't true - I just don't want it. Plain and simple. Leave me alone, I'll do what I want, who cares what will happen. So I won't be religious - oh well. But I didn't always think like that. Two years ago I would have thought whoever wrote the above was crazy. I used to love Judaism. Really. I wasn't just going with the flow and doing what I was taught - I loved it and believed in it with all my heart. I was probably more than just your typical religious girl. Now I hate religion and rituals with a passion. I'm almost crazed by this desire to be as bad as possible, to get as far away from the word "Jewish" as I can.

My parents are devastated, my school kicked me out and everyone is very angry with me (to put it plainly). All they can do is yell at me that I should change back to what I used to be, and ask me thousands of times over WHY DID U CHANGE!!!! Belive me, I have absolutely no desire to change. I don't want to be that religious goody-goody I used to be. And I tell them that - I just want OUT!!! So stop preaching at me about why being Jewish is so good - because I don't see it. At this point I don't even want to see it anymore. But their question of why did I change I have no answer for.

Maybe you'll just think I'm a complete idiot- like the rest of the world does- but I really hope you don't. I don't think I'm an idiot. I'm a smart person, I won't usually do things without a good reason- but this I really have no answer for. I don't know why I changed. I just know that it wasn't another person that changed me. It just happened gradually and I have no idea why. My parents and school will blame different people but I know inside that there is no one to blame besides me.(not that I am blaming myself- I'm happy I changed). Is there some reason that a person would change drastically for no apparent reason- that they themselves don't even know why? Yours, "Linda" from the USA

Dear Linda,

I certainly don't think that you're an idiot; on the contrary. I receive loads of letters every day, many of which are from young people in your age group. Your seriousness, depth of character, and intellectual honesty ranks among the top 10% of young people with whom I speak. I thank The Almighty that you had the tremendously good sense to write me before you cut loose on a wild weekend to be "as bad as possible". Be careful - too many vultures would pounce on such a delicate turtle dove as you, heaven forbid.

For the time being, I want to respectfully request from your teachers, your parents, and the entire religious community to please get off your back. G-d gives free choice, and no one has the right to take that away from you. Preaching never helps, only personal example. If your teachers and parents have failed, maybe it's because you don't want to be like them. Therefore, let them correct themselves before correcting you. I allow you to tell them that in my name.

Now, let's cut through the garbage and get down to the nitty gritty. Linda, Amalek is grabbing you by the neck. He's got nothing to offer but shortest term cheap thrills and longterm misery. I've been down just about any of the roads that you dream of traveling. I've back-packed the 4 corners of the world, been through party years at the University of Maryland, through plenty of blood-sweat-and-tear years in the Israeli Army, and through personal growth and rebirth years at Yeshiva and in my subsequent years as a rabbi and emotional counselor. True, there's plenty to learn in the outside world, such as dedication, commitment, etc. The problem is that you might get killed - morally, emotionally, or spiritually - while you're learning it. I'll be happy to show you that anything you'd like to learn is in the Torah. A king's daughter doesn't have to step in the manure of a cowshed to fetch a glass of milk. Besides, by throwing away the benevolent yoke of Torah and mitzvas, you won't gain freedom; you'll only become a slave to Amalek (who really runs the show in the USA; "Amalek" and "dollar" are the same gematria), social pressure, peer pressure, and your own evil inclinations. You'll do plenty of things that deep down are against your wishes - I don't call that freedom of spirit.

Your desire for change is the result of small but gradual and persistent doses of Hollywood, TV, trashy books and magazines that you've been peeking at, the web, and other anti-Torah mental junk food that's been penetrating your heart and brain like drops of spiritual toxins. Eventually, the toxins accumulate in your soul, and... All of a sudden, you've become enamored with the outside world - its speech, its dress, and its warped idea of love and sex, and the Judaism you once loved - by your own testimony - has lost its glamor.

You wake up one morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and say. "Hey, I'm a nurd! I want to be cool and foxy like Britney Spears!" Let me share a little secret with you - Britney and her friends are miserable. They're trying to be like the old Linda. One of Hollywood's most famous TV stars is a brutal, miserable alcoholic whose blown four marriages. How do I know? He came to me for counseling. If you don't believe me, I'll let you contact his agent who was the go-between. Madonna and her buddies are all looking for spirituality, but unfortunately, they're knocking on the wrong doors.

Linda, you ask the question, "Why have I changed? Who has changed me?" Here's a bombshell for your parents and teachers: Hashem is changing you. Hashem is using your bad decisions for your own good, because He loves you so much. He doesn't want you to be a shallow Jewish girl that discusses wigs and clothes styles all day long. Since you haven't developed a personal relationship with Hashem up until now, He wants you to do so by starting from scratch.

Hashem agrees that you should do what you want. But, when you really love someone, you want to do their will also. You can't love someone without a personal, intimate relationship. Hashem wants you to have such a relationship with Him. How? By talking to him in your own words for an hour a day.

For the time being, I don't care if you don't pick up a prayer book, just so long as you speak to Hashem every day. I want you to read The Garden of Emuna - it will teach you things that you never learned in Beis Yaakov.

Feel free to open up to Hashem - cry, laugh, and pour your heart out honestly, with no holds barred. Tell Hashem your innermost feelings. I do ask one thing from you: While you're making your spiritual search - which you have every right to do - don't do anything that you'll regret for the rest of your life. Continue keeping Shabbos, eating kosher, washing your hands in the morning, and dressing modestly. These four mitzvas will keep your brain clear and help you to find truth.

Linda, please remain in touch, and avoid arguments with people. May G-d bless you always and lead you on the path of truth and inner peace. With blessings always, LB

Verbal Abuse of Children

Last week, a mother's screech reverberated in our apartment building, "Rachel, you're the laziest girl I've ever seen!"

Rachel and my daughter are in the same class at Bes Yaakov seminar in Ashdod. In a panic, she asked to copy my daughter's math homework. My daughter explained that the homework is designed to practice problem-solving; the methodology is important, and the answers are only secondary. "I'm a lazy person," said Rachel, "I can't apply myself to doing math homework."

If Rachel is so lazy, I asked myself, why were she and my daughter up until midnight baking cakes for a poor girlfriend's engagement party? Rachel can be quite a dynamo if properly motivated. Yet, if her mother continues to label her "lazy", that's the exact mold her body and soul will assume. At this point - and at age 16 it's almost too late - Rachel is doomed to be an insecure, lethargic adult. Who's to blame? Her mother.

Why do parents verbally abuse children? My Hebrew book Nafshi Sidom, a guide to coping with verbal abuse, lists five main reasons:
1. The parents grew up in a home where the children were verbally abused.
2. The parent has a low self image, and tries to elevate himself or herself by trodding on the children.
3. The parents never learned the principles of educating children, especially education according to Torah guidelines.
4. The parent has exaggerated expectations from the child; when they are not realized, the parent pours his or her frustration on the child.
5. The parent has created a uniform standard for all his or her children, while ignoring King Solomon's rule (Proverbs 22:6), "Educate according to the way of the child," in other words, according to the specific spiritual and emotional needs of each child.

Onaas devorim, Hebrew for verbal abuse, is a severe transgression. Rabbi Yisroel Meir Kahan, the famed Chofetz Chaim, says that a person is better off losing every material possession in the world, rather than committing one transgression. No parent has the right to verbally abuse a child. Labels, insults, high-volume voices, and threats are not acceptable substitutes for proper parental guidance.

The Path to Inner Peace - part 4

Child Abuse: The Worst Sin

"Ricki" from New England has been corresponding with me for over two years now. She's a very talented Baalas Teshuva, attractive, smart as a whip, and her potato kugel is just as mean as her tennis backhand. She could easily be Miss Jewish America, but she's no longer a Miss since her wedding three years ago. She has one other problem - her heart is deeply scarred from a nightmare childhood with an abusive father. We can't even write about  10% of what Ricki went through with her father.

Ricki's first year of marriage was stormy to say the least. But, since she's been in contact with me, we've been trying to heal those scars with emuna. Ricki no longer takes tranquilizers or sees an analyst. Her courage and willpower are deserving of praise. She consented that I share her latest letter to me with you:

Rabbi, I just finished listening to “Family Connection” and “Hashem Loves Me” while preparing Shabbos dinner. The good news is that my husband was amazing tonight and helped around the house, spent 30 minutes with me over dinner, and cleaned up after the cooking with a smile and amazing attitude.

I would like to comment/get feedback quickly, if you don’t mind (I'm crying as I write this):

Family Connection: THANK YOU for being totally forthright about the importance about getting away from abuse! Time and again I hear stories of Rabbis trying to keep a wife with an abusive husband, or children told they need to continue to honor him and live with him. It doesn’t surprise me, but thank you for taking a stand! People don’t seem to understand that no connection is better than abuse – “family first” can't be husband over safety of others.  Seeing an abusive family member isn’t worth “having contact” because it’s too destructive.  I wish someone had told my mom, and I wish my step-mom would listen – Get away, stay away, and keep your kids away! Don’t think he won't do it to them because they’re his kids! HE WILL!!!

In terms of your comment about tearing down kids, that they’re “like living dead” – Rabbi, this is a sore spot for me. Those are EXACTLY the terms I use to explain how I feel. I feel like my main goal right now is to attempt to come back to life because inside. So much is dead having been the victim of parental abuse, there is such thick heaviness around my heart. I'm so limited in my abilities due to the abuse I suffered…and it feels so alienating, because most people don’t know how to deal with a walking dead person. Sometimes I just get this overwhelming sense of – “you just don’t get it. You think I'm alive! Can't you see that I'm really dead?” For the most part, they don’t really want to know. Too scary and tears down their little gingerbread house. Even my husband has a hard time understanding, especially with my issues, and mind you he tries really hard. I wish it could all just feel normal and painless. I wish I could feel anything besides pain.

Anyone who says that murder is the worst sin in the is a liar.  Child abuse is, especially severe, especially physical and sexual abuse. At least with murder the person is dead and doesn’t have to suffer such excruciating pain for their entire life. The child doesn’t even get to know what life is before it’s taken from him/her, and then has to fake it and act like they’re alive in a world that doesn’t want to know the truth and doesn’t want to be reminded of it. I'm trapped in a body that is constantly reliving my death. I must be dead because this is certainly hell.

Which leads me to Hashem Loves Me – what an amazing CD, I think your best ever. SO inspiring and moving. Your explanation of Psalm 3 was unbelievable, and by the end of the CD I was sitting on the floor crying like a baby because someone loves me! It seems so silly in writing but honest I never really believed it until just now. It’s hard to believe but deep inside I don’t believe I'm lovable. I was told in no uncertain terms as a child, over and over again, that I was garbage, that I belonged in the garbage, that I was a monster and horrible words I won't repeat.  You mean I don’t have to be the biggest tzedakis on earth in order to deserve love? I can be imperfect and that’s OK, just keep trying and do your best and that’s enough? Making a mistake doesn’t prove that I really am a piece of sht? I don’t have to beat myself into perfection? I'm still bawling.

Thank you. Good Shabbos.  Sorry if this was a little heavy but those CDs opened up so much… Thank you for being there... Ricki

Baby's Stomach Pains

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

My first baby is only three months old, and he's been suffering from stomach pains that keep him yelling and screaming much of the time. Yesterday, I went to the pediatrician, and he gave me a prescription and told me not to breastfeed any more. I read so much about the importance of nursing, and I hate to give it up. My nextdoor neighbor is a regular reader of yours, and suggested that I ask you before putting my baby on the bottle. Is there some urgent advice you can give me? I'm eagerly awaiting your answer. Thanks very much, Karen from NYC

Dear Karen,

You're correct about the importance of breastfeeding. The value it has on your baby's healthy emotional development is inestimable. Here are a list of things - well known to our sages all the way back to Moses - that cause a baby to have gas and sharp stomach pains from mothers milk: Squash, garlic, onions, liver, and hearts (animal or poultry). Hot peppers, highly-spiced foods, and fried foods are also notorious in raising the acidic content of mother's milk, and wreaking havoc on the baby's digestive system. Avoid these foods and the stomach pains should vanish, G-d willing. Hold off on the bottle and the doctor's prescription for 72 hours; as soon as you correct your diet, the baby's stomach pains will most likely disappear in a day.

If you've been eating liver for iron, then start eating beets instead. For your mother's milk to be plentiful, sweet, and digestible, eat lots of almonds, whole-grained rice, and melted cheese (natural, not processed).

One additional important point: Substances - especially tobacco, marijuana, alcohol, and narcotics destroy the quality of mother's milk and have a sorely detrimental effect on the child.

May you have all the joy in the world from your baby, and may he grow to strength of body and strength of spirit. Blessings always, LB

Rebbe Nachman's Gift to David

Harry and Susie Zettel, originally from Toronto and now in Ramat Bet Shemesh, are a magazine-cover couple and an Aliya success story. Just yesterday, I received this amazing letter from them that I'd like to share with you:

Dear Rabbi Brody,

Two years ago, I took my eldest son who was 12 to Uman for Rosh Hashanah as a pre- Bar Mitzvah present.

Baruch Hashem, we have 5 children. One of our children, David (age 10, left), is developmentally delayed and suffers from epilepsy. Despite all the doctors negative predictions for David, David has continued to exceed all our expectations. His progress has made the doctor's predictions look silly. We made Aliyah almost 5 years ago from Canada; we thought that David would take 10 years to learn Hebrew, but thank G-d, his Hebrew today is better than some of my "Normal Children".

David has always had a very spiritual soul, he loves music and loves to dance (especially on his father's shoulder). However, David also has an uncontrollable streak, where he is subject to bad temper tantrums, where his teachers and mother have had a hard time controlling him.

Last year, when it was getting close to Rosh Hashanah, I asked my wife if she would mind if I went to Uman again this year. I was planning on taking our 7 year old boy with me this year. My wife said that I could go but I had to take all our boys (ages 13, 10 and 7) as she would find it hard to cope with all the boys, especially David without me being home. Financially this was a big struggle, but I thought it would be a great opportunity to bond with the children and to give them a great spiritual experience.

Most of my friends thought that I was nuts to travel with David to Uman, as he needs constant supervision. Well, we all traveled to Uman. I was able to pray while David played with other children. Daily we visited the Kever of Rebbe Nachman and sang and danced at night. We even took a full day trip to visit and pray by the graves of Rabbi Natan, The Baal Shem Tov, and Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev.

My wife has commented to me on many occasions that since the trip to Uman, David has been a lot more calm and his tantrums has decreased dramatically.

My wife and I believe that David received a very spiritual gift in Uman , the gift of being more at peace and calm with himself, which has also paid dividends to the family as a whole.

Best regards, Harry from Bet Shemesh

Daughter of The King or Classroom Queen?

Dear Rabbi Lazer,

I'm 16, in the tenth grade, and very unhappy. My best girlfriend is really popular at school and shul (we're conservative), and I'm not. In all honesty, I'm just as attractive as she is, and my grades are just as good as hers. At first, I thought maybe my clothes were out of style, so i went out and begged my mom to buy be the same clothes as my girlfriend. But, at any party or function, people flock to her and I feel like a tagalong. Its really the pits. I do my best to talk and act like my girlfriend, but she's considered campus queen and I'm ignored. Rabbi, can you give me some kind of spiritual advice to make me popular too? I know you're busy with serious problems, but this is hurts me a lot, so please try to give me a quick answer. Respectfully, Melanie from Delaware

Dear Melanie,

Imagine that a tractor didn't like its own appearance, and tried to imitate a Mercedes. The whole world would laugh! Then, the tractor would neither perfom its function as a tractor - plowing fields, etc. - and certainly would fail miserably as a Mercedes. On the other hand, if a Mercedes tried to do the job of a tractor, it would get stuck in the mud and fail within a minute.

Melanie, The Almighty gave you your own very special package of abilities and aptitudes for performing your task in this world. When you try to be someone else, you have a double failure: First, you can't succeed in being the other person, because you lack the emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual tools that Hashem gave to that person. Second, when you attempt to be someone you're not, you fail to develop and to utilize your own unique Heaven-imbued attributes and skills.

The Talmud teaches that when a person seeks prestige, prestige eludes the person. Stop trying to be popular, and don't try to imitate your girlfriend. Be yourself: How? Act, speak, and dress in a manner that's natural and comfortable for you. Often, it's better to sit at home reading a good book, writing a poem or an entry to your diary, or baking a cake for Shabbos than it is hanging out with a bunch of peers just wasting time. Also, stop tagging along as your girlfriend's prime groupie. Accept the fact that she's classroom queen. You should start fulfilling your own role as a cherished daughter of the King (Hashem) - the daughter of The King beats the classroom queen any day of the week.

One additional important point: When high school boys flock around you, they're not looking to discuss European socioeconomics or the theory of relativity. Being popular with them is dead-end cheap popularity. Genuine popularity comes from being an upright human - compassionate, kind, charitable, modest, yet firm and courageous in your beliefs. The entire world respects such a bold nonconformist that stands up to his or her principles. Do you know why? Because Hashem respects such a person. When The Almighty is pleased with a person's actions, He grants that person a divine aura, an indescribable spiritual light that emanates from from the face and serves as a magnet to attract other people. Possessing such a divine aura is genuine popularity.

May Hashem help you make the right choices in life. Happy Chanuka and blessings always, LB

The Worry Worm Read-along

Children are highest priority here at Emuna Outreach. That's what motivated Kalcom Publishing and us to make such a major effort in publishing our first children's book. Thanks to The Worry Worm's talented writer and illustrator Rebecca Shapiro, we also had a beautiful Sunday-morning Worry Worm book-reading with the children of Hamilton, Ontario. So, call your children and have your own Sunday-morning Worry Worm read-along, and follow along us Uncle Lazer reads. What, your children don't yet have a copy of The Worry Worm? What are you waiting for? Enjoy!

Hamilton, Ontario Kiddie Sing-along

Where there are no lambs, there certainly won't be rams. That's why Emuna Outreach places such a big emphasis on kiddie outreach, as you'll see in the clip below:

Gemara or Computer?

Elul is a month of introspection, when we take stock of ourselves in preparation for the awesome Days of Judgment on Rosh Hashanna and Yom Kippur. Today's clip is a heart-to-heart talk with parents about something we'll all have to answer for on the High Holidays, as you'll soon see and hear: