Here we go again.
Just look at this disgusting picture.
David sent me this picture while out for dinner with our three older boys on his cheat day on this new diet we're doing.
WHAT?! ANOTHER DIET??
Yes! It's called the Slow Carb diet and I'll explain it in a separate post, because I just accidentally erased everything I wrote, and I'm too annoyed to rewrite it. So you'll have to be kept in suspense until I'm not annoyed anymore, which could take a while.
We're allowed one cheat day a week, and he chose to use it by eating like a certain non-kosher animal that likes to roll around in mud and its own filth. Yeah, that sounds about right.
So I was looking at this picture and muttering curses at him, while trying to understand how anyone in their right mind could put CORN on their pizza. CORN?! What do CORN and PIZZA have to do with each other?? Am I taking crazy pills???
But don't worry - revenge is sweet.
I sent him a picture of this:
Looks appetizing, right? It's a cold bowl of re-fried beans. Yuuuum. It's part of the slow carb diet, which I'll hopefully explain before the Mashiach gets here.
At least the beans are healthy and filling. So what if they have 29 million grams of sodium? At least they're not made up of straight carbs, like pasta and bread.
Which brings me to an amazing insight I had on Shabbat, when I was at the pinnacle of my elevated spiritual experience. I may have looked like I was falling asleep, but like other great tzaddikim before me, I was in a deep meditation that no one could pull me out of.
During my journey to the upper worlds, one of the angels revealed to me a mystical secret that I can promise no one on the face of this Earth has discovered...
Carbs are the physical manifestation of the Evil Inclination!
In other words, "Carbs are the Devil, Bobby Boucher!"
And here's WHY: BECAUSE no matter how many carbs you eat, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE SATISFIED!
You'll always want one more piece, one more bite, one (or two) more slices. How does this vicious cycle resolve itself? Either you stop eating because you're about to explode, or the food disappears. Whichever happens first.
Just like this ooey, gooey, corny slice of pizza, the Evil Inclination works the same way.
No matter what desire you have, if it's fueled by your EI, IT'S NEVER ENOUGH. Do you have a lust for money? No matter how much you make, it will never be enough. Lust for power? You'll never have enough power. Women? Fuggetaboutit.
In conclusion, to be happy, you need to make sure your desires are coming from the right place. That way you can be satisfied with what you get.
And eat beans. Lots of beans.