OMG I am drooollliiinnnngggg just looking at this picture!!
It's from our bar mitzvah two weeks ago. Or three weeks ago. I really have no idea.
For G-d's sake, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MEMORY?!?!
I'll tell you what happened.
It got trapped in the sugar high that I'm currently experiencing. Like, high in the sky.
My taste buds are flying because I just cheated... with a HUGE almond croissant!
And a warm, soft baguette loaded with butter.
And another hot, buttery, gooey, almond croissant.
And... a huge cup of all-milk cappuccino. Was that redundant, by the way?
Oh, and I learned a new word today! Freddo! FREDDO!
As in, "You broke my heart, Freddo!" If you remember that phrase, you're old. Just sayin'.
Actually, the sophisticated waiter told me that Freddo means cold. Is that true? Any Italianos in the house? Adoro parlare in italiano, ma adoro gli spaghetti in salsa margherita ancora di più!
My stomach looks like a water-filled balloon, and I feel totally disgusting, but you know what?
I LOVE CHEAT DAYS!!
I'm talking about food, you know. Seriously, what's wrong with you people. Disgusting.
One day a week, you gotta live it up, I say! Live it up to the max! Wear pants with an elastic waistband that'll stretch at least 3 or four inches. Wear that maternity skirt that's collecting cobwebs in your storage bin. LIVE IT UP!!
I have great self-discipline most of the week, except for Shabbat and today, when David decided to remind me that we're married and get to go out on dates once in a while.
Oops. I forgot. I thought being married meant I have the privilege of doing his laundry and cooking for him and raising his children for the rest of my life. Didn't know there was supposed to be some fun stuff in there! Should've read the contract better. I always assumed fine print was for lawyers. And people with really good eyesight.
OMG I just realized something. Thank G-d there's no foot massage clause in there. Yech.
So let's talk about this cheat day. It's awesome because you get to cram in all the goodies you would have eaten all week into one 24-hour period, and then feel like, well... you know...
But it's still awesome!
By the end of your cheat day, most of you will feel so sick... of sugary, carbo-loaded, delicious junk food, that you won't even want to look at it... until your next cheat day.
I mean, you can't live in super health guru mode forever. At least, I can't. Because I like to think I'm normal. I'm certainly no health guru with superhuman willpower.
Speaking of which, I've created a monster! David is driving me crazy with the intermittent fasting! Now he's all like, "I've gone for 12 hours and 16 minutes. Only another hour and 44 (was that right?) minutes to go! Would that make 14 hours? Golly, my math is so bad.
Have I created any other monsters out there besides David and Tena? Seriously, woman! TWO DAYS??? What are you, an angel?? Did you have an out-of-body experience?
In conclusion, here are my TOP 3 CHEAT DAY TIPS:
1) Cheat only one day a week! Because anything more is, like, a relationship. And you don't wanna go there.
2) Drink grapefruit juice! Interestingly, the fructose in the juice will flatline your glucose response, which means it essentially stops your insulin from spiking. Remember, insulin is a fat storing hormone, which means that when it's high, your body is in hibernation mode, i.e., storing calories as fat. You know, for those rainy days when you might be out in the middle of the woods with nothing to eat but twigs and berries.
3) Make your first meal of the day a normal meal! Your body still needs something that resembles food, duh.
Three times throughout your cheat day, do a set of 30 squats. It's supposed to help re-route the calories to the muscles instead of the fat. Pretty incredible, right? There are glucose transporters that use similar pathways to bring calories to muscle and fat cells. The squats create muscle contractions, which open up the pathways to the muscles, which helps get the calories to them instead of the fat cells.
It's like switching the direction of the train track as the train is approaching.
If you don't feel comfortable with a full cheat day, do one cheat meal per week. But remember! The most important thing is to keep your carbs low, low, low! Below 100 grams a day if possible. If you're pregnant or have any medical issue, DO NOT DO WHAT I JUST WROTE! Please consult with your health care provider before starting a new diet or exercise, blah, blah, blah.
Now I've got to finish going through these awesome bar mitzvah pics. Hopefully I'll get an album done before the next one!
Oh, and the guy in the back of the picture - that's the caterer. He's laughing because we decided to spike all the chocolate cakes with Everclear.
Love you guys!