24 posts categorized "Humor"

I'm Baaaack!

Happy new week, dear readers! It's Racheli, and I'm soooooooo thrilled to be back! Seriously, I missed you guys. Really. Did you miss me? Even just a little? No? Well, just pretend like you did, okay? I'm very fragile, you know. 

Speaking of fragile, for that one person that did miss me, (Tena, would that be you?) I'll give you a little quiz so you can figure out on your own where I've been hiding.

Racheli hasn't been on LazerBeams for over two weeks because:

a) she's been lounging on the beach in Eilat

2) she's been treating herself to daily massages and mani/pedi's

%) she's been unable to leave the kitchen for the entire week of Pesach

8) her kids have been home for nearly three weeks, and she almost lost her mind

72) all of the above

Hmmmm. I know. It's a tough choice. Think. Exercise what's left of those precious brain cells. While you're scratching your heads trying to figure it out, I'm scratching my head trying to find something inspirational to say. Since my brain cells are currently recovering from my kids' ridiculously extended vacation, I'll share with you these gorgeous pics that I took right behind my house. Gosh, Israel is so, so beautiful! Maybe one day I'll actually get to see what's beyond my backyard!

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Wishing you a wonderful and inspiring week!

 

 

 

 


Matzo Man

Important Pesach notice: Sadness and depression are the two worst forms of spiritual chametz. They have no place in our house or in our hearts! If you're not smiling, G-d forbid, go have a look at Matzo Man - this is one of our perennial favorites. May Hashem bless you with the happiest Pesach ever!


The Holiday of Emuna

Pesach cartoon

If I were Moshe Rabbeinu, I would say: "For the next 40 years we do Zumba and cross training until we're about to collapse, and in between all that we'll power walk and eat lots of guacamole-flavored manna."

By this cute cartoon, it seems that the manna really did become whatever we wanted it to be. It's a good thing we don't have manna today, because I'd be eating a full, all-you-can-eat buffet every night. This year more than ever, it's way too easy to eat whatever you want on Pesach. There's no feeling of lack any more. You can eat all kinds of cakes, cookies, even pizza that are from potato starch and gasp gluten free! But be forewarned: gluten free is a big scam! Aside from being a necessity for those with Celiac, gluten free just means TONS OF SUGAR. 

And all that sugar raises your insulin, and high insulin means you're storing more calories as fat instead of burning them. So eater beware. Don't end up with a Pesach Potbelly. I'll do my best to follow my own advice too, for once.

Speaking of potbellies, did you know that Pesach is connected with emuna? I have no idea what those two things have to do with potbellies, but I didn't have another lead-in. And I'm very, very tired. Like, fading out tired. This last sentence took me six minutes to write. Let's focus on the Pesach/emuna connection. Rav Brody talks about the strange contradiction between the bread of poverty and joyous celebration. Certainly these two don't go together, right? Wrong! Rav Brody makes an amazing connection between matzah and emuna, and I promise it's much better than my lame connection between potbellies and emuna. Don't miss this must-read article before Pesach, A Most Welcome Guest! 

Rav Shalom Arush says that to appreciate Pesach, we must learn gratitude as well. Amazing. I'm not exactly sure how, but in the midst of getting ready for Pesach and freaking out on our kids because they keep sneaking food into their rooms, we're supposed to look for our good points and thank Hashem for them. I've gotta try that sometime. I think that focusing on our Good Points and Gratitude is a great way for us to save our sanity and keep us from doing something that might get us a little jail time, if you get my drift. 

My featured article this week has nothing to do with Pesach, but it has a whole lot to do with emuna! You'll be amazed by this true story of a good friend of mine, who came back to Judaism through her Japanese student who wasn't Jewish, as she was living in Japan and teaching English and she ended up marrying him, and then there was this massive earthquake, and you seriously have to read From Riches to Righteous! 

I can't believe it. It happened again! I got chills at the end of Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen's article! How does she do it?? Read the amazing story of Shlomo, her son, and do your best to learn from her example. I know I will! Enjoy these beautiful Fruits of Emuna!  They're low-carb!

Dr. Zev Ballen gives us great tips for how to get out of the same destructive patterns that we fall into when dealing with our kids. I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. But for all the rest of you parents that aren't perfect like I am, do yourselves and your kids a big favor and read Ending the Crazy 8.

It's obvious to me that Jennifer Woodward is one totally righteous woman. Just the title of her article alone is something I couldn't even write. While she's sharing her personal journey through some tough challenges and her attempts to reach Level 3 emuna, I'm still scratching my head and wondering if I'm ever going to reach Level 1. I'm really not kidding. Are any of you as amazing as she is, that you can see The Beauty of Tribulations in your life? Please, let me know who you are! I want to be your friend!

You know, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing in such awesome virtual company. Dr. Rivka Levron writes about her amazing and terrifying (for me) car crash with The Flying Tire, but from the aspect of complete Divine Providence. Seriously, who does such a thing? I'm making myself sound more pathetic as I write, aren't I? Well, that's a-okay! 

Oh, brother. Here's another righteous one. Lori Steiner writes about Blessing the Evil Inclination.  Yes, it's true. Our evil inclinations are actually here to help us get closer to Hashem. Lori gives us great tips that help us use him for our benefit while not falling into his wily trap. What does wily mean? I'm too lazy too look it up. 

Just when you thought you couldn't be as righteous as our writers, I'm here to tell you that you can! Be a part of Rav Arush's incredible Kimcha d'Pischa fund, which gives food for Pesach to impoverished families. Imagine what beautiful blessings you will receive by sponsoring a poor family's Seder! It's priceless, I tell you! 

So that's it. I'm packing up and going on vacation to Eilat. By myself. Sometime in the next 20 years. In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful Shabbat and Pesach Kasher V'Sameach! 

~Racheli


WOW!!

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I can't believe it! I actually found a caricature of myself! Okay, so it's not entirely accurate. Instead of a tennis racket, I would be holding a free weight, and instead of holding a cute little baby I'd have five wild genetically modified monkey/boy hybrids climbing all over me and fighting. But aside from that, this pic is spot-on. I even wear a crown on my head all day. And I really am that skinny. Almost.

But when I'm mad? Watch out! I look more like this:

Firebreathing dragon

The past few days I've been doing a lot of this cool fire-breathing technique. It's a shame it's not included in the relaxation breathing techniques that I never do, because if it were, I'd be the most chill mom in the world. Fo' rizzle. 

This second pic is exactly how I feel today. I've had it with the stress of cleaning, cleaning some mo', food shopping, turning over my kitchen, covering stuff up, did I miss anything? The kids have only been home on their Pesach break for one day and I'm ready to run away. They made me blow up our little inflatable pool, and that meant lots of extra laundry. LOTS. Not cool. Then, one of my kids threw a tantrum and absolutely refused to get his hair cut because he wasn't first. And then a whole bunch of other stuff.

As they say, Baruch Hashem! It could be a whole 'lot worse.

Next week, we'll re-experience our liberation from slavery. I can't wait! I love getting drunk and then having to do the dishes and put the kids to bed after slaving away the entire day. 

These past few weeks and the grand finale that we (WOMEN) have been slaving away towards is almost here. And therefore, I'd like to give a shout-out to all of the awesome MOMS that do it all, and then some. So I had this crazy cool chiddush about the word MOM. If you turn it upside-down, it says WOW.  

Like, totally cool! Here, I'll use it in a sentence: WOW, I can't believe how much MOM accomplishes every day! 

Is it really a chiddush? I'm sure someone else thought of it first, but since I didn't know about it, I'll happily take full credit for it. 

Yes, you Dads are awesome too. But I couldn't include you in the WOW, because that wouldn't make any sense. After all, DAD upside-down is nothing. But if you put it in lowercase, like dad, then you'll get pap. Which is also dad, albeit quite a stretch. Pap, pappy, pop, whatever. 

Anyhow, I'd just like to say on behalf of Hashem that He's super proud of all of our efforts. It's truly unbelievable how many things we have on our plates at the same time, and we still do as much as we can to live according to the Torah as best as we can. Kol Hakavod! Hashem loves you, babe.

Wishing you a happy, low-stress, buzzed but not sick drunk, enjoyable, and delicious Yetzias Mitzrayim

~Racheli


Midnight Hour: Breslev Motown Purim

In loving memory of my father, Yaacov ben Yitzchak, who loved a l'chaim and a good laugh. It's ever so suitable that his yahrtzeit is on Shushan Purim, tomorrow. This one's for you, Pop...

L'Chaim and a Happy Purim with a wonderfully joyous new week!

Breslevers have a good time all year long, and especially on Purim. Here's what happens when Menachem Herman and I get together on Purim; when we're sober, we turn Sweet Home Alabama into Sweet Home Jerusalem. After a couple glasses of vintage Gush Etzion wine, Wilson Pickett becomes a Breslever Chassid, and the Midnight Hour becomes a song about hitbodedut, personal prayer with Hashem in the wee hours. I hope you have as much fun watching this as we did recording it. May your Purim smile last all year long, amen!


#NOTMYCOOKIES

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I'm torturing myself right now. Aside from Shabbat, which has turned into my cheat day, I've been very good about staying away from such healthy treats like these chocolate chip cookies. First of all, I'd just like to inform you, our educated readers, that there are actually many people here in Israel that really believe canola oil is healthy. It's true! I mean, not that canola oil is healthy. I mean that people believe it's healthy. Well, you get it.

Listen, Schreiner's, just because you make an awesome cookie and I'm giving you a free plug, it doesn't give you the right to advertise your cookies as healthy when they're full of unhealthy ingredients, like canola oil, processed "whole" wheat, sugar, chocolate chips, um, excuse me, but what exactly is healthy in this cookie? So please stop with the false marketing and send me a few free boxes of your most unhealthiest cookies. And brownies. I love your brownies. I mean, I hate your brownies. Hate them! HAAAATEEEE!!!!

I'll tell you why I'm torturing myself. I just ate a cookie. I sound crazy, I know. Believe me, I know. But I wasn't even hungry. Actually, I was totally full. But you know, I work out, I eat right, and I am so bothered that it's so easy to undo everything I spent the last few days/weeks/months doing! 

You know what really drives me crazy? Just walking past these things in the kitchen. Actually, my kitchen is so small that there's no room to walk past them, so I bump into them every time I walk into the kitchen. I'm like, "Oops! Whoa, so sorry about that!... Wait a minute... you look familiar. Have we met somewhere?" I ask the box of cookies as I lean forward with a little flirtatious smile. In the meantime, I've managed to pull a fast one and slid my hand into the box to steal a cookie without the box realizing what I've done. It's because the box has fallen under the magical spell of my charm.

I gotta tell you that for the first time in my life, I'm salivating like Pavlov's dogs when I walk past any bakery. Could it be because I'm not eating it any more? Hmmmm. Will have to think about that possibility. Eureka! I just had a genius idea!

What if I start a one-woman protest called #notmycookies? I could pretend that, even though I bought the cookies and they are literally mine because I own them, I could create this fantasy in which I believe that these cookies really belong to someone else, and one day they're going to come and get them, so I can't in good conscience eat them, because that would be stealing. 

That's right, folks. I don't accept these cookies as my cookies, because I don't agree with the ingredients they're made from. I stand for health, fitness, and looking good, and these cookies stand for sugar (yum,) chocolate (yum yum,) and all those toxic ingredients. And dogs. Why in the world did I just write that? How can cookies stand for dogs? What's wrong with me? BTW, is it true? Can dogs really not eat chocolate? I had two dogs, but I loved them too much to test that theory out.

Since I have a feeling that my protest will not go viral on social media, I have another suggestion as to how we (especially ME) can avoid this constant torture of the chocolate chip cookie and all forbidden foods:

DON'T LET THEM INTO YOUR HOUSEEEE!!!!!! 

When you go to the market, DON'T go down the aisles with all of the processed garbage foods! STAY AWAY from aisles #4,5, and 6! And 7,8,9, and 10! If you find yourself in a war with your hand that refuses to let go of the box of Entenmann's chocolate-covered donuts (my absolute favorite,) smack your hand with your other hand and keep walking!

Have you figured out this week's secret to losing weight? That's right! If you don't see it, you don't want it! Don't you find that to be so true? How many times do you not want a can of Coke until you see the big red Coke truck driving by? Doesn't your mouth start to salivate? Are we all just dogs? Or is it just me?

This week, when you do your shopping, steer clear of the middle of the store. Not only will you find yourself eating less junk throughout the week, but you'll save a whole 'lot of money! I know those snacks and drinks ain't cheap!

Keep in touch with me and let me know how your week is going. Also, I'm starting a new thing. I'm inviting you to send me your recipes with a picture, and each week I'll pick one recipe and post it on Thursday so people can have time to get the ingredients and make it for Shabbat.

Email me your recipes at racheli@breslev.co.il. 

In the meantime, I'm going to help myself to another cookie (or three.) Seriously, how much longer can I drive myself crazy by looking at that box? At least I don't have to prolong my suffering, right?

~Racheli


Smartphone Blind

My dear friend and Emuna Therapist Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen shared this video with me. It took me three times of watching this video to understand what was going on. In the end, I finally got it and laughed at my own stupidity and the humor of the video. While certainly funny, it's also painfully true. We've become so addicted to our phones that we can't even walk down the street without staring into it and typing. 

Even in the elevator nearly everyone I see is checking their phones. What exactly are they checking for? Do they need to be plugged in to the virtual world at every moment? What about connecting with the real world that they're actually a real part of?

Thank G-d we have Shabbat, a chance to disconnect from the social media time-sucker. We can focus on connecting with real people and developing real relationships instead of virtual ones. This Shabbat, weather permitting, go for a nice walk outside. Focus on the beautiful trees. Listen to the birds if they haven't flown South. Look at the gorgeous blue or grey sky. Enjoy breathing in the fresh or polluted air.

In other words, be present.

Shabbat Shalom! For something great to discuss with the family at the Shabbat table, see Rav Brody's mini-lesson on this week's Torah portion in the post directly below. With big smiles,

~Racheli