Lazer Beams

The Lesson of the Burnt Toast

Here's how to be a better husband and enjoy fantastic marital bliss in 3 minutes:

Have a wonderful Shabbat and keep those cheek muscles in shape. How? Don't let that smile leave your face.

Melitzer Matzas

Matzas must be baked within 18 minutes from the time water is added to the flour until the matzas are totally baked. The Melitzer Rebbe and his staff are some of the world's fastest bakers; their shmura matzas are kneaded and baked from start to finish in less than six minutes. Have a look here at the Komemyut Moshav bakery in the south of Israel:

Matzo Man

Important Pesach preparation notice: Sadness and depression are the two worst forms of spiritual chometz. Get them out of your house and out of your system fast! If you're feeling low, G-d forbid, go have a look at Matzo Man.

Midnight Hour: Breslev Motown Purim

In loving memory of my father, Yaacov ben Yitzchak, who loved a l'chaim and a good laugh. It's ever so suitable that his yahrtzeit is on Shushan Purim, today. This one's for you, Pop...

Breslevers have a good time all year long. Many of us drink alcoholic beverages only twice a year, and then it's only the mitzva wine of Purim and Pesach. Here's what happens when Menachem Herman and I get together; when we're sober, we turn Sweet Home Alabama into Sweet Home Jerusalem. After a couple glasses of vintage Golan wine, Wilson Pickett becomes a Breslever Chassid, and the Midnight Hour becomes a song about hitbodedut, personal prayer with Hashem in the wee hours. I hope you have as much fun watching this as we did recording it. May your Purim smile last all year long, amen!

Southern Israel Humor

One of the magnificent aspects of virtually everyone I saw in the south of Israel during the war was the calm and courage of people under fire and constant threat. Those who remained in the south during the war, refusing to allow the Hamas missiles to expel them northward, emerged stronger and with reinforced emuna, for every missile that fell was accompanied with its own miracle.

The South of Israel is even developing its own local humor. Here's a taste:

During the Gaza War two weeks ago, a Northerner from Haifa walks into the Emergency Ward at the local hospital and says to the nurse at the reception window, "I need urgent treatment - I 'm suffering from shock!"

The nurse asks for his ID card, and when she sees that he's a local, she says, "What do you mean, 'suffering from shock?' You're not a southerner!"

"Yeh," says the man, "but my mother-in-law just came here from Ashdod, and she brought a suitcase full of Passover dishes..."

Emuna lets us smile all the time, missiles or not.

The Beatles, Yiddish Style

My mailbox is jammed with alarmist mail about Annapolis. Once again, Hashem decides what'll be, and not Bushie Junior or his puppets Ollie and Abu Mazda. In fact, the whole conference is such a joke that one has to laugh. Let's not waste our energies on worry, because we'll soon see a miraculous salvation that nobody dreamed of. I'm not worried about the rotten corrupt puppet regime over here either, because any farmer knows that a seed rots before it germinates and sprouts into a beautiful new plant or tree. So, don't be sad.

Rebbe Nachman says that we should be happy even if it takes foolishness to do the job. So, in light of my Rebbe's teachings, I'm going to post something even more ridiculously foolish than the Annapolis conference.

How would you like to hear the Beatles singing "A Hard Day's Night" in Yiddish? Well, here we go! Under the film, you can see the transliteration of the words, so you can sing along. No more worry and depression, OK? With emuna and teshuva, everything will be OK, b'ezrat Hashem.

S'iz gi'ven a shvere togedikke nakht
Ikh hob gi'arbet vi a hunt
s'iz gi'ven a shvere togedikke nakht
Ikh darf shoyn shlofn gants gizunt

Ikh kum aheym tsu dir
Dos vos du tust far mir
you know I feel all right

Du veyst ikh arbet ale tog
tsu makhn gelt tsu koyfn tshatshkes
S'iz a mekhaye ven ikh her
du bist mayn eynuneyntsike tsatske

In der heym altsding iz azoy fein
In der heym lebedik freylekh zein

Photo of the Year - "Careful, my payis!"

 

Congratulations to Eurostar for winning the Beams' humor-photo award of this past year.

By the way, don't forget to get a haircut before Succoth, and tell the barber to be careful not to chop your payis (sidelocks).

A tip of the spuddik to Akiva K from Ashdod for sending us the above photo.

The Civil War in Gaza

My good buddy Dry Bones proves that a picture is worth 10,000 words. I couldn't have said it better myself...

Bones and Beams

If you see the cartoon at the left, you'll understand why Yaakov Kirschen, aka "Dry Bones", is one of my favorite people. He puts a lot of smiles on a lot of people's faces, and he always has a big smile on his own face.

At any rate, I received this link to the JTA Global Jewish News Service today, that tells about Bones and Beams. Nice to be with such pleasant company.

Congratulations to Yaakov for his Gold Medals in this year's JIB 2007, and also for his new daily editorial cartoons on Ynet News.com .