Lazer Beams

Matzo Man

Important Pesach notice: Sadness and depression are the two worst forms of spiritual chometz. They have no place in our house or in our hearts! If you're feeling low, G-d forbid, go have a look at Matzo Man:

Makin' Matzas

Matzas must be baked within 18 minutes from the time water is added to the flour until the matzas are totally baked. The Melitzer Rebbe and his staff are some of the world's fastest bakers; their shmura matzas are kneaded and baked from start to finish in less than six minutes. Have a look here, and enjoy (filmed in Moshav Komemyut, in the south of Israel):

Purim Chassid

Look who's become a Breslever Chassid this Purim... Happy Purim!

Stay Up All Night

No Entrance!

The sign on the entrance to the main sanctuary of a synagogue in the USA where I spoke several months ago really made me laugh. 

Some people mean well, but they flub it when they try to get their message across. The directors of the synagogue probably wanted to convey to the congregants that it's not respectful to walk in the door in the middle of the rabbi's sermon. Maybe they also wanted to convey that barging-in in the middle is disruptive and distracting, both to the rabbi and to those already seated.

On the other hand, you can interpret the sign comically, as Breslev Israel's General Director Yosef Nechama (who took this priceless photo) and I did: "Hey, Pal - it's dangerous to hear the rabbi talk! Don't come inside!!"

I'm happy to have the laugh on me; at any rate, my weekly shiur (lecture/lesson) in English that's open to the public (both women and men are welcome) resumes today, Wednesday 27 April, at 6 PM local time at the Chut Shel Chesed Yeshiva in Jerusalem, 56 Shivtei Yisrael Street. 

You can see today's lesson live right here at 10:00 AM PDT, 12 Noon Mexico and CDT, 11:00 AM EDT, 4:00 PM in the UK, and of course 6:00 PM Israel time. As soon as we can, G-d willing, we'll post a link to the lesson for all those who couldn't see it live. Best wishes for a healthy Spring and Summer.

Ten-Plague Rap

Passover is only 11 days away. OK, since you're surfing on the web instead of preparing for the holiday, here's a little Passover review in a rap, courtesy of Matt Bar (see lyrics below film clip). Have fun, and a great Shabbat!

CHORUS: 
Moses at the red sea, like “who’s gonna follow me?”
Pharoah’s in the tide, we gonna ride, to our destiny, 
In back of me, so sad to see, them bodies in the red sea 
chariots get buried, b-b-buried in the red sea 
Pharaoh sat and laughed when a staff became a snake, 
too long we’ve been your slaves, just let us go and pray, 
said "don’t make this mistake," no pardon his heart was hardened, 
so started what we regard as: the days of 10 plagues...

ONE: blood in the river gonna shiver, gonna freak out 
lips take a sip now there's blood in your mouth

TWO: frogs in your house on your beds on your plate
don't matter what's for dinner better like frog legs

THREE: knats buzz buzz watch the dust turn to bugs
itch itch hard to think with all the lice in your mugs

FOUR: beasts roam your streets when you step outside
there's a tiger on your tail nowhere to hide

Five: death of your livestock,  flesh dries up
b-b-bodies in your barn Pharoah when you gonna wise up?

CHORUS

SIX: boils on your flesh no less than torture
careful of the ash in the air it'll scorch ya

SEVEN: hail rains down beats your brains down
like a message from the heavens better lay our chains down

EIGHT: locusts from the coast you can hear their wing click
eating crops eating trees til they're used as toothpicks

NINE: darkness, dispatch, 3 days pitch
remember when this started and you thought it was just witchcraft

Death of the first born how did it come to this
TEN is what it took so we all would remember this

Ashdod Humor

Here's a taste of Israeli humor under fire:

An young man reports into a Tel Aviv hospital and says, "Please treat me - I'm suffering from shell shock."

The nurse at the admissions desk asks for his ID, looks at it, and says, "Hey, you live here in Tel Aviv! What kind of shell shock are you talking about? There are no rocket attacks here."

"You don't understand," pleads the young man. "My mother-in-law from Ashdod just called. She's coming to stay with us for a month..."