89 posts categorized "Humor"

Patience? I Ain't Got No Time For That!

IMG_2272

That line has got to be one of my favorite memes I ever did see. It's so ironically funny.

Well, this summer has been an endless test of patience. Finding schools and a place to live has been harder than I expected. 

Even getting our driver's licenses has been a challenge that we haven't yet overcome. Turns out yours truly, Mrs. Genius de la Geniuses, never actually officially changed her name. Like, legally. Like, ooops. I had no idea! 

I went to the driver's license place to renew my license and they said the system wouldn't let them do it because I never changed my last name. Well how was I supposed to know? No one told me! You would think the guy at the legal place where people go to get legally married would have told me that I'm legally supposed to change my name. 

Anyway. Check out this couch! It's so symbolic of how my summer has been. And it's really nice, right?

G-d I LOVE Costco!

Did I mention that whole little test of patience thing? Well. Basically it's been like banging my head against the wall to accomplish anything. Driver's licenses, school, finding a place, finding furniture, absolutely everything was and still is preceded by a brick wall. 

The original school we had planned on attending didn't work out. So we spent many weeks looking for a new school. B"H yesterday the kids were accepted to a school that I had not planned on looking at. And whaddayaknow? They have amazing programs in English and Math that can be individualized for the kids!

The area and apartment building we wanted to live in didn't accept us. At the last minute. Apparently there's a rule here of only six people maximum in a 3 bedroom apartment. Can you imagine if that rule were in Israel? Each family would have like, seven apartments! 

But finally, we found a house that's an actual house as you can see above. A real house. And affordable! I can't get over it. And the best part? The neighborhood is not only primarily shomer Shabbat Jews, but Israeli. That means no one cares if they hear you screaming at your kids from three doors down. Hopefully.

Oh, and there's even a shul in the neighborhood! A Sephardi one! Unbelievable, I tell you! 

The couch? Symbolic to the max. Do you know how many couches I looked at? How many arguments David and I had about couches? You can't imagine. But all the while, in the back of my mind, this couch was waiting for me in my imagination. At the last minute, just yesterday, we found it at Costco. It was love at first sight. The perfect balance of firmness and fluffiness. The perfect color and fabric and style. Just what I wanted.

Same goes for our kitchen table, which isn't set up yet. 

The main lesson I've learned from this summer is PATIENCE! 

I admit that I didn't and still don't have much of it. But I see very clearly that Hashem is definitely running the show, guiding us in the exact direction He wants us to move in. He's literally closed doors and opened new ones with such obvious divine providence, and it's an incredible thing to see.

I am so grateful for being forced to learn that patience is such a blessing. It saves you from tremendous stress when things aren't going your way. It helps you realize that you need to let go and let Hashem guide you. If your spiritual eyes are open, you'll see how everything will work out for your best. 

Ultimately, only Hashem knows what's best for each and every one of us. 

And if we can just remember that, imagine how much happier and more relaxed we'll be.  

Now I'm off do do some more serious damage at Costco. 

~Racheli

p.s.- Don't miss Rav Brody's weekly "Garden of Wisdom" lesson below! 


The Adventures of Princess and Cray-Cray

IMG_0563 (3)

Seriously?? 

Of all the pictures I could have posted of our return to Miami, I chose this?? 

Just in case you were wondering, David is Princess and I'm Cray-Cray. And believe me, it doesn't make a difference if we're hungry or not. 

So.... we're heeerreeeeee!!!! I can't believe it. I feel like I landed on another planet. Everything is so different here!

All week I've been yo-yo-ing from, "I'm so happy to be back!" to "OMG what have I done??

But who cares about my fragile and overwhelmed self? Let's talk about COSTCO!! Oh, Costco, how I've missed you so! I'm not going to lie. I really did miss Costco. And I can't believe how many things are kosher at my Costco! Kosher meat, chicken, all kinds of salads, cheeses, dips, snacks, good Heavens! 

And ADIDAS CLOTHING FOR $9.99??? Somebody pinch me. 

I just can't get over the selection and variety of food here! What am I going to do?? I walk around the stores in a slack-jawed daze, taking pictures, just in awe of everything. 

Another majorly shocking experience was Walmart. O.M.G. The crazy prices! The crazy selection! The crazy people! It was unreal. But my favorite part was seeing a guy driving his electric wheelchair up to the register next to us. He was playing Kenny G. so loud, he could have DJ'd for a club on South Beach. So I was checking him out and then I noticed he's got a Magen David, a cross, and about 4 other large gold religious symbols on his necklace. And his fingers were decked out with rings galore. Maybe he really was a DJ. Fascinating.

Oh, you know what else was shocking? Lowriders. Horrible. Forgot how horrible they were. Can anybody explain the logic to me? Does the fact that your head is vibrating and your eardrums are rupturing make that driver popular? Does a bouncing car really attract the "ladies"? What is attractive about this?? Horribly fascinating.

Here's another shocker. Miami is GORGEOUS! There seems to be a competition between developers to see who can get the top names to put on their buildings so they can charge top prices. Armani, Fendi, Lagerfeld, Reckles... I can't believe how over-the-top these places are! Infinity pools on the 50th floor?? An elevator for your car?? How do so many people have so much money? And more importantly, how do I get them to share some of it with me?

Miami has certainly turned into one of the world's premier locations for materialism. I can see by the looks of this city that our wise sages were right. Wealth is certainly a greater test than poverty. It's so easy to get distracted by the pursuit of wealth and all the fabulousness that comes with it. It's too easy to forget that it is Hashem that is the Source of all of this wealth and the potential blessings that it can bring. 

I suspect being poor is more likely to cause a person to cry out to Hashem, because they're in a position to need help. I don't think that's necessarily the case with rich people. I wonder if anyone's called out to Hashem while shopping at Cartier: "Hashem! Help me! I have too much money and don't know which platinum and diamond watch to buy!" Hmmmm. 

In other news, it's great to see so many people being obviously Jewish. Miami has several strong Torah-observant communities, and I'm looking forward to meeting lots of great people. 

In the meantime, wish me luck as I try to stay strong and not devour those ridiculously delicious and toxic Entenman's chocolate-covered donuts.  

BTW, if you haven't read my article this week, The Lost Check, read it now! It's one of my favorites! 

And could you do me a favor? I'd love to know which one of these Snickers bars you are when you're hungry! Send me a comment! 

~Racheli

And don't forget to check out Rav Brody's weekly emuna class! Details below. 

 


Just Be Real!

Shutterstock_1036683106

It seems that humans aren't the only ones having identity issues these days. 

This little house cat self-identifies as a killer carnivore, one of the most dangerous predators in the world, the Bengal/Siberian/Malayan/Sumatran/I could list ten more types (of) Tiger. 

OMG did I just insult the cat by calling it little? Or a house cat? What if it thinks it's an outdoor cat or a stray cat? Could it sue me in court? Are these questions even allowed anymore?

So I was talking with a person I had paid to listen to me rant close friend about the whole fake issue. Okay, so she's a therapist. And she's one of my closest friends. You know, I'm starting to wonder if she really likes being around me, or she just finds me such a fascinating case study because I'm so not like other people here. 

It's funny that I said that because it happens to be a perfect lead-in to my point. 

Why so many people be so fake? I understand that some level of fakeness is good, like when you have to be cordial with someone that you secretly (or not so secretly) want to kill, tell off, kick off a cliff, or all of the above. It's great to learn to control your emotional urge to lash out at someone who upsets you. Racheli. Yeah, gurrl, I'm talking to you! 

Aside from proper etiquette, why is it so hard for people to be real with each other? Why is it always, "Baruch Hashem," when I ask people how they're doing? Like, I know that we're supposed to thank Hashem for everything, but where is it forbidden to say, "You know, my day really stinks. I overslept, the kid's not feeling well, and I'm up to my ears in dishes and laundry. Plus I ate a few too many carbs yesterday and now I'm all bloated and gross." 

Would it be so bad? Would someone stop being friends with you if you just told them how you felt about something?

What, exactly, would happen if you let your real feelings out? I mean, without insulting or hurting another person's feelings, of course!

But for some reason, we continue to act one way on the surface and another way behind closed doors. If you're like me, hopefully the windows are closed too, because if not, half the street can hear my kids' yelling and screaming.

But seriously, being spiritual and religious doesn't mean you have to deny your feelings and try to act as if you have no problems and no emotions. If you're worried that people won't accept you into their exclusive inner circle because you had the nerve to say you're having a bad day, or some issue is really bothering you, then you don't want those people as friends anyway.

So c'mon folks! You can do it! Who knows? Maybe you'll be an inspiration to others!

And while you're all busy getting all real'd up for me, don't forget to check out Rav Brody's shiur TONIGHT! Info is in the post below!

Have a great, rizzle-ed out day!

~Racheli


Yanny or Laurel?

IMG_0808

So I just found out about the latest internet insanity called "Yanny or Laurel." I ignored my friends' attempts to drag me into their immature nonsense because I'm like, sooo totally beyond that kinda stuff. 

Well. After two days of resisting their back and forth debates about utter stupidity, I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to find out what in the world they were talking about. 

And... I was right. It's utter stupidity. People! You should be ashamed of yourselves! This is what you're using your precious G-d given brain cells for? This is what you're wasting your limited time here on Earth with? 

But in all seriousness, tell me the truth...

Did you hear Yanny, or Laurel?

I just have to know! 

Oh, and what about the words mixed together? Which name did you see?

I saw both, and very easily. But I only heard Yanny. If you heard Laurel you need to get your ears cleaned out. 

Oh, and here's something important you should know! As embarrassing as it is, I'll proudly admit that I'm a HUGE Yanni fan. That means I not only know and play his music, but I also know how his name is spelled. 

It's Yanni. Not Yanny.

Now there very well could be a Yanny out there, but since I don't know him he doesn't really exist. 

Number two: there is a point to this post. 

It turns out that this great human experiment in time-wasting actually has a deep spiritual significance.

You see, you see what you want to see. You hear? You hear what you want to hear.

In other more coherent words, your reality is what you perceive it to be. 

Anything that you experience through your five senses, which is everything, is subject to your perception, your biases, your background, your morals (0r lack thereof,) etc. 

Therefore, each person's reality is completely different and unique. This has so many implications. And this is why we must always take into account another person's point of view, especially when we're having disagreements with each other. To that other person, they are right because that's the way they view the issue. Their reality is all they see, and sometimes it's very hard to get them to see beyond that.

Which is also why we should take things with a huge grain of salt when we hear others talking about things that we didn't personally experience. Again, their perception of whatever happened was real only to them. It does not mean it really happened the way they said it did.

Amazingly, this is why the Torah demands two kosher witnesses when a person is being accused of a wrongdoing.

Even more amazingly, I managed to turn a complete waste of time into something we can learn from. 

But honestly, doesn't it beat listening to the news?

Have a great day!

~Racheli

And don't forget to check out Rav Brody's weekly emuna talk below! 


Iguana Invaders

IMG-20180409-WA0001 (1)

Few things have made me so happy early in the morning like this picture. 

But really, the video was even more entertaining.

In case you snow-covered Northerners don't know what this is, it's an iguana. (I think.) Iguanas roam South Florida freely, as if they own the place. They can be strolling along the side of the road and give the Look of Death to a guy on his bike, and that poor guy will inexplicably fly right off and land in the bushes. I mean, hopefully. 

Yesterday, this not-so-little guy, affectionately known as Big Ig, decided to take a dip in my sister's pool. She was in the house when she spotted him catching some rays. Since Big Ig thought he owned the place, he demanded a lounge chair and a Strawberry Daiquiri. Seriously, what self-respecting iguana lays out without the appropriate sunbathing accessories? 

Naturally, my sister ran to record the whole drama. But what she didn't realize when she began screaming about the iguana jumping into the pool was how much I'd enjoy it. If she did, she never would have sent me the video.

Oh, how I laughed and laughed when she squealed in horror as she helplessly watched the iguana jump into the pool. 

How I snorted in hysterics when her husband finally caught Big Ig in the pool net and started heading toward her with it. 

I think I watched that video 24 times today. 

And I laughed every. Single. Time.

Big Ig taught me a profound spiritual lesson, and I'm just passing it along as per his request. 

He said to me, "You may look at me, laying out by this fancy pool, looking all glamorous with my long nails and shiny scales, but you don't see the whole picture. You don't see how much secret pain I carry around as I slither 'round the 'hood. You think it's cool that other people scream from fear and repulsion when they see me, but inside I'm sad because no one wants to be my friend. You may think that I roam the streets carefree, but you can't imagine the secret terror I carry with me because I can turn into roadkill in an instant."

"Wow, Big Ig," I responded. "I'm so ashamed that I misjudged you. I only saw what was on the outside and didn't think further than that."

"Well that's because you're superficial and self-centered," he replied. 

"And shallow," I added.

Isn't that kinda the same thing?

So you see, fellow self-centered people who love to judge others based on their glamorous selfies on Facebook: everyone's got problems. It reminds me of one couple a few years ago that kept posting pictures of their gorgeous family vacationing here and there. They looked like the perfect family with the perfect life. But just a few months later, all pictures with the husband were deleted, and she changed her status to "single." 

And I'd like to add that when someone gets upset, or seems to have a negative reaction that's way out of proportion than what would be appropriate, do your best to step back and give that person the benefit of the doubt. You really have no idea what secret painful situation he may be going through.

So before you start judging others or fantasizing about trading your life with someone else's, stop and ask yourself this one important question:

What would Big Ig do?

G-d I'm soooo happy my sister doesn't read this blog! 

~Racheli

 


A Pesach Miracle

IMG_20180331_215335779

Awwwww, yeah....

Don't be hatin'. 

Are you jealous? A teensy bit?? 

T.G.I.S. 

Thank. G-d. I'm. Sephardi. 

Yeah, u be jealousssss. U know it.

Check out this corn pasta baked ziti thingy. It's a real live Pesach miracle. 

And for those Ashkenazim who think this is chametz, (leavened products forbidden on Pesach) go read up on what Rav Ovadia Yosef ztz"l wrote about it. Dat's right. 

So! How were your Seders? Mine was great, until David gave my kids these little one shekel squirt bottles that looked like cans of soda. The kids decided to actually fill them with soda and squirt each other with Coke until they got drenched and had to change their shirts formerly known as white. I was soooo mad, but I was too drunk to do anything about it. So I watched them run around like wild animals as I tried not to fall off of my chair because I was passing out from drunken tiredness.

That's the worst kind of tiredness. You can't really fight it, you know? 

I eventually confiscated the squirt bottles and stared at these little innocent-looking devils for a while until I noticed something that made me start laughing like a hysterical drunk. Like a hyena that drank 4 glasses of wine. I'm actually still laughing.

It turns out the names on the squirt bottles almost resemble the real soda names, but the company that made them obviously didn't want to pay licensing fees. Clearly they were made in China. Check it:

Spcite

Ftanta

Caca-Cola

I can't deal. I'm hysterical all over again. 

On another note, I'm suffering from major Pesach bloat. 

It's so frustrating, because on one hand, I don't want to eat matzah. But on the other hand I look forward to eating matzah brie, another serious no-no for Ashkenazim. I just looooove matzah brie! For those of you who don't know what it is, it's like an egg fritata with crumbled up matzah in it. And then I top it with sugar. 

SUGAR?? DID SHE JUST SAY SUGAR????

Mmmm, hmmm. 

Okay, so you want to hear about a real Pesach miracle? 

This is a story that David told me on Seder night, which he had heard from some rabbi that he can't remember who because he heard this story several years ago. Why did he wait all this time to tell me the story? The world may never know. (You remember that Tootsie Pop commercial? I loved it! Mr. Owl was so cute.)

Here goes: Once upon a time a woman passed away, leaving behind her husband and two children. The daughter, who was in her late teens, became more observant from the trauma of losing her mother, and the father went the opposite way. As the daughter's observance grew, she began keeping Shabbat and kosher and all that good stuff. The father told her he wanted nothing to do with it.

Eventually, Pesach came around and the father didn't want to have a Seder in his house. So the daughter convinced him to come with her to a family member's house. She somehow convinced him to drive them there and then leave the car so they could walk back to their house. 

As you can imagine, after drinking and eating beyond a normal stomach's capacity, plus the fact that it was already the middle of the night, the father complained all the way home. 

Suddenly, they passed by a house where the Seder was still going on. The daughter could see into the house through the big windows. What she saw brought tears to her eyes. A large family was sitting around a giant table loaded with food and delicacies, and everyone was singing and clearly happy to be enjoying this special night together.

"Hashem," she said to herself, her heart breaking. "This is all that I want." How she longed to be a part of such a beautiful scene. 

A few months later, she met a great guy from a religious family, and they married. 

Pesach comes along, and obviously she doesn't want to bring her new husband to her family's house, so he said they would go to his aunt's house for the Seder. 

That night, she walked in and quickly felt at home surrounded by his loving family, who welcomed her with so much joy and warmth. She enjoyed a long, leisurely Seder with her new husband and his family. 

At one point during the night, she looked around the dining room and felt some strange familiarity about it. She noticed the long dining room table, the singing, the togetherness.... Suddenly, her stomach dropped and she almost stopped breathing. 

She stood up and walked over to the window and looked outside...

In complete amazement, she realized that she was standing in the same exact house she had seen from the street last year, the very house she longed to be enjoying the Seder with. 

OOOOO.MMMMM.GGGGG.!!!!

Fo' serious????

Is this not one of the best stories ever??!!

It just shows how much Hashem is listening to our prayers. Never stop asking Him for what you want! And if you get it, don't forget Who gave it to you!!

Wishing you a wonderful Chol Hamoed and happy 7th Day of Pesach!

Oh, by the way, I think tonight is actually the anniversary of my first date with David! I've got to double check on that, then remind him as if I had known it the whole time. Then I'll lay on the guilt like nobody's business. 

I remember our first date so clearly (which is funny because I can't remember what happened five minutes ago.) Our mutual friends had pressured me to go out with him, so to shut them up I agreed. We went out to a non-kosher sushi restaurant, but in honor of Pesach I ordered the kani-su roll. You know, the roll that's wrapped in cucumber instead of rice. 

The irony... hilarious! Who would've thought that I would be enjoying rice on Pesach as a Torah-observant Jew living in Israel 15 years (YIKES!) later?? 

Happy Pesach, y'all!!

~Racheli