21 posts categorized "Humor"

Midnight Hour: Breslev Motown Purim

In loving memory of my father, Yaacov ben Yitzchak, who loved a l'chaim and a good laugh. It's ever so suitable that his yahrtzeit is on Shushan Purim, tomorrow. This one's for you, Pop...

L'Chaim and a Happy Purim with a wonderfully joyous new week!

Breslevers have a good time all year long, and especially on Purim. Here's what happens when Menachem Herman and I get together on Purim; when we're sober, we turn Sweet Home Alabama into Sweet Home Jerusalem. After a couple glasses of vintage Gush Etzion wine, Wilson Pickett becomes a Breslever Chassid, and the Midnight Hour becomes a song about hitbodedut, personal prayer with Hashem in the wee hours. I hope you have as much fun watching this as we did recording it. May your Purim smile last all year long, amen!


#NOTMYCOOKIES

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I'm torturing myself right now. Aside from Shabbat, which has turned into my cheat day, I've been very good about staying away from such healthy treats like these chocolate chip cookies. First of all, I'd just like to inform you, our educated readers, that there are actually many people here in Israel that really believe canola oil is healthy. It's true! I mean, not that canola oil is healthy. I mean that people believe it's healthy. Well, you get it.

Listen, Schreiner's, just because you make an awesome cookie and I'm giving you a free plug, it doesn't give you the right to advertise your cookies as healthy when they're full of unhealthy ingredients, like canola oil, processed "whole" wheat, sugar, chocolate chips, um, excuse me, but what exactly is healthy in this cookie? So please stop with the false marketing and send me a few free boxes of your most unhealthiest cookies. And brownies. I love your brownies. I mean, I hate your brownies. Hate them! HAAAATEEEE!!!!

I'll tell you why I'm torturing myself. I just ate a cookie. I sound crazy, I know. Believe me, I know. But I wasn't even hungry. Actually, I was totally full. But you know, I work out, I eat right, and I am so bothered that it's so easy to undo everything I spent the last few days/weeks/months doing! 

You know what really drives me crazy? Just walking past these things in the kitchen. Actually, my kitchen is so small that there's no room to walk past them, so I bump into them every time I walk into the kitchen. I'm like, "Oops! Whoa, so sorry about that!... Wait a minute... you look familiar. Have we met somewhere?" I ask the box of cookies as I lean forward with a little flirtatious smile. In the meantime, I've managed to pull a fast one and slid my hand into the box to steal a cookie without the box realizing what I've done. It's because the box has fallen under the magical spell of my charm.

I gotta tell you that for the first time in my life, I'm salivating like Pavlov's dogs when I walk past any bakery. Could it be because I'm not eating it any more? Hmmmm. Will have to think about that possibility. Eureka! I just had a genius idea!

What if I start a one-woman protest called #notmycookies? I could pretend that, even though I bought the cookies and they are literally mine because I own them, I could create this fantasy in which I believe that these cookies really belong to someone else, and one day they're going to come and get them, so I can't in good conscience eat them, because that would be stealing. 

That's right, folks. I don't accept these cookies as my cookies, because I don't agree with the ingredients they're made from. I stand for health, fitness, and looking good, and these cookies stand for sugar (yum,) chocolate (yum yum,) and all those toxic ingredients. And dogs. Why in the world did I just write that? How can cookies stand for dogs? What's wrong with me? BTW, is it true? Can dogs really not eat chocolate? I had two dogs, but I loved them too much to test that theory out.

Since I have a feeling that my protest will not go viral on social media, I have another suggestion as to how we (especially ME) can avoid this constant torture of the chocolate chip cookie and all forbidden foods:

DON'T LET THEM INTO YOUR HOUSEEEE!!!!!! 

When you go to the market, DON'T go down the aisles with all of the processed garbage foods! STAY AWAY from aisles #4,5, and 6! And 7,8,9, and 10! If you find yourself in a war with your hand that refuses to let go of the box of Entenmann's chocolate-covered donuts (my absolute favorite,) smack your hand with your other hand and keep walking!

Have you figured out this week's secret to losing weight? That's right! If you don't see it, you don't want it! Don't you find that to be so true? How many times do you not want a can of Coke until you see the big red Coke truck driving by? Doesn't your mouth start to salivate? Are we all just dogs? Or is it just me?

This week, when you do your shopping, steer clear of the middle of the store. Not only will you find yourself eating less junk throughout the week, but you'll save a whole 'lot of money! I know those snacks and drinks ain't cheap!

Keep in touch with me and let me know how your week is going. Also, I'm starting a new thing. I'm inviting you to send me your recipes with a picture, and each week I'll pick one recipe and post it on Thursday so people can have time to get the ingredients and make it for Shabbat.

Email me your recipes at racheli@breslev.co.il. 

In the meantime, I'm going to help myself to another cookie (or three.) Seriously, how much longer can I drive myself crazy by looking at that box? At least I don't have to prolong my suffering, right?

~Racheli


Smartphone Blind

My dear friend and Emuna Therapist Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen shared this video with me. It took me three times of watching this video to understand what was going on. In the end, I finally got it and laughed at my own stupidity and the humor of the video. While certainly funny, it's also painfully true. We've become so addicted to our phones that we can't even walk down the street without staring into it and typing. 

Even in the elevator nearly everyone I see is checking their phones. What exactly are they checking for? Do they need to be plugged in to the virtual world at every moment? What about connecting with the real world that they're actually a real part of?

Thank G-d we have Shabbat, a chance to disconnect from the social media time-sucker. We can focus on connecting with real people and developing real relationships instead of virtual ones. This Shabbat, weather permitting, go for a nice walk outside. Focus on the beautiful trees. Listen to the birds if they haven't flown South. Look at the gorgeous blue or grey sky. Enjoy breathing in the fresh or polluted air.

In other words, be present.

Shabbat Shalom! For something great to discuss with the family at the Shabbat table, see Rav Brody's mini-lesson on this week's Torah portion in the post directly below. With big smiles,

~Racheli


The Latkes Lady

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Awww, yeah.... don't those look goo-oo-ood? Mmm, mmm! 

I've decided that I can't look at another donut. Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind. But as of today, I am officially known as The Latkes Lady. As you can see, these are nacho average latkes. As in, they're nacho latkes. Say wha'? That's right. I was on a mission to find out how to make baked latkes, which in fact you can! The baked ones are in the pan in the background. And during my quest, David, my online research gopher, found a recipe for cheddar cheese jalapeno latkes. I'm not sure how to type the n with the little squiggly line on top of it, so you'll have to deal with the English accent. 

Since I don't have a dairy oven aside from my microscopic nano-toaster, I decided to draw on my reserve brain cells and come up with the ingenious idea of using my extra-large sandwich grill toaster thing. I lined the thing with a sheet of wax paper on the bottom, put six of these little guys in there, and then smushed the life out of them with another sheet of wax paper on the top. It took a long time, but boy, did these come out dee-lish-us!

To top it off I loaded them up with some more shredded cheddar, jalapenos, black olives, sour cream, and a few actual real, overpriced, imported blue corn tortilla chips. The non-Spanish speakers out there pronounce tortilla like this: tor-ti-la. Aye, Padre. It used to hurt my ears to hear an American try to speak Spanish with an American accent when I was living in Miami.

So I'm rambling here, because I'm tired and I haven't been to Zumba since last Thursday. Thank G-d I'm feeling better, but my little boyfriend now has a fever. I'm having serious withdrawal. My triceps are gettin' jiggly with it.

Speaking of withdrawal, it turns out that hubby loves country music. He likes to pretend like he can sing, and makes those drawls with the words. Isn't it weird how when you say a word too many times it starts to sound really strange? Drawl. Draaawwwwllllll. Strange.

Tonight, my dear friend Rebbetzin Channen and her husband came over for dinner. She knows I like funny stuff, so she brought over this crazy list of funny country music song titles. I thought I'd share a few with you so we can all enjoy a virtual laugh together over many time zones. I'm desperately trying to find some sort of spiritual something to connect these song titles with, and luckily for me, I got it! Rebbe Nachman says, "Mitzvah gedola lehiyot b'simcha!" It is a great mitzvah to be happy! Joy is the foundation of every blessing, so if you're happy no matter what, Hashem will give you plenty of reasons to be happy! So without further ado... Smile!

-How can I miss you if you won't go away?

-They may put me in prison but they can't stop my face from breakin' out

-Mama get a hammer, there's a fly on Daddy's head

-If you really loved me, you'd leave

-If I ain't got it, you don't need it (Husbands, don't you dare use this line on your wives)

-You're the reason our babies are so ugly (Wives, don't you dare use this line on your husbands)

-I'm so miserable without you, it's like having you here

-Oh Lord it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way

-You ain't much fun since I quit drinkin'

-The next time you throw that frying pan my face ain't gonna be there (I think my husband wrote this one) 

Wishing you a continued Chanukah Sameach! 

 ~Racheli


Open Your Eyes

Hey, all! It's Racheli, and I'm ready for a nap. Actually, now that the kids are back in school, life is getting more manageable again. In fact, yesterday my husband and I celebrated the kids' return to school by going out for breakfast! What a treat! Of course, I couldn't stop myself from trying to get something for free, because it's just so fun to get stuff for free. The best part, aside from my free mushrooms on top of my salad, was that I actually got to eat my entire meal sitting down. Yes. They charge for mushrooms. The nerve of them! 

As I was driving my date out of the parking lot in my garbage-mobile, I stopped to let an old lady cross the street. Is saying that someone is old politically incorrect? Is there a more acceptable term these days? What about "youth-challenged"? That's just too long, so let's stick with old. Anyhow, there was a car to my right, waiting to get out of its parking spot. The guy started honking at me like crazy, but I had nowhere to go. I couldn't go around the "elderly" lady, because there was another car waiting in the opposing lane. So I sat there for a whole 15 seconds. Big deal. But this guy couldn't contain himself. He honked and honked until I was able to move. 

His gross impatience was a perfect example of an important lesson. Oops - was "gross impatience" not pc? Sorry. So the lesson he taught me was twofold: first, use your common sense. If I'm stopped behind you, is it because:

a) I don't want to go home, because I have laundry all over the couch

b) I am bored and thought I would pass the time by stopping behind your car

c) I'm not driving because I just can't at the moment. 

Hmmm. Tough call.

Second part of the lesson: we all tend to be extremely short-sighted when confronted with frustrations. We can't see how Hashem has put that obstacle in our path for a reason. If we are able to control our reaction and count to one, maybe we will be able to realize that there is a big picture, and if we're facing an obstacle, it must be for our best. 

Hopefully I and some other lucky person out there will be able to remember this the next time we're faced with an annoyance, or worse. If we open our eyes and try to see Hashem in our situation, we will be able to bear it much more easily. I'll make sure to read this post numerous times this afternoon, when my nerves are being tested every three seconds by my adorable, sweet, agreeable children. That was pc, right? 


Matzo Man

Important Pesach notice: Sadness and depression are the two worst forms of spiritual chometz. They have no place in our house or in our hearts! If you're not smiling, G-d forbid, go have a look at Matzo Man - this is one of our perennial favorites: