Lazer Beams

Happy Purim!

The Gemara in tractate Gittin (57b) says that Haman's grandsons are learning Torah in Bnai Brak:

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Purim is a great time for teshuva and a time when Hashem answers all our prayers. Ask for whatever you want today. Many of us are like lost sheep - we need Hashem to bring us back in the flock. That's exactly the subject of the following song that Yosef Karduner and I are singing in the following clip:

A happy Purim and a wonderful Shabbat.

This week's Torah portion is Tsav. Here's a story and a Chassidic Pearl for your Shabbat table.

Getting Ready for Purim

Today (Thursday) is the Fast of Esther and tomorrow (Friday, 21 March) is Purim.

Much is said about lineage during Purim season, as we discover that Mordechai is a descendant of King Saul, and Haman (l'havdil) was a descendent of Amalek, yamach shmo. Anxious to feel important too, Israeli Prime Minister Ollie (named after Oliver Hardy, the famed sidekick of the PM's great-grandfather) called a press conference earlier today to reveal his yichus (lineage): "Not only do I resemble my alte zaidie Stanley Laurel, but I possess a strikingly similar intellect!"

Great grandson Ollie Mert (skewed to the left) and Alte Zaidie Stan Laurel (right). Yeridas HaDoros, the weakening of the generations... Stan Laurel only acted like an imbecile.

The Beatles, Yiddish Style

My mailbox is jammed with alarmist mail about Annapolis. Once again, Hashem decides what'll be, and not Bushie Junior or his puppets Ollie and Abu Mazda. In fact, the whole conference is such a joke that one has to laugh. Let's not waste our energies on worry, because we'll soon see a miraculous salvation that nobody dreamed of. I'm not worried about the rotten corrupt puppet regime over here either, because any farmer knows that a seed rots before it germinates and sprouts into a beautiful new plant or tree. So, don't be sad.

Rebbe Nachman says that we should be happy even if it takes foolishness to do the job. So, in light of my Rebbe's teachings, I'm going to post something even more ridiculously foolish than the Annapolis conference.

How would you like to hear the Beatles singing "A Hard Day's Night" in Yiddish? Well, here we go! Under the film, you can see the transliteration of the words, so you can sing along. No more worry and depression, OK? With emuna and teshuva, everything will be OK, b'ezrat Hashem.

S'iz gi'ven a shvere togedikke nakht
Ikh hob gi'arbet vi a hunt
s'iz gi'ven a shvere togedikke nakht
Ikh darf shoyn shlofn gants gizunt

Ikh kum aheym tsu dir
Dos vos du tust far mir
you know I feel all right

Du veyst ikh arbet ale tog
tsu makhn gelt tsu koyfn tshatshkes
S'iz a mekhaye ven ikh her
du bist mayn eynuneyntsike tsatske

In der heym altsding iz azoy fein
In der heym lebedik freylekh zein

Photo of the Year - "Careful, my payis!"

 

Congratulations to Eurostar for winning the Beams' humor-photo award of this past year.

By the way, don't forget to get a haircut before Succoth, and tell the barber to be careful not to chop your payis (sidelocks).

A tip of the spuddik to Akiva K from Ashdod for sending us the above photo.

The Bright Red Apple

My esteemed publisher and very dear friend Yaakov "Eddie" Kalati is a phenominal storyteller. He told me the following irresistable jewel in Hebrew. Here's my English translation:

I was enjoying a beautiful walk down a beach-front avenue in the late afternoon sun enjoying the breeze off the water, when I reached the bus stop where I'd catch the bus that would take me home. I sat down on the bench with a few other commuters, eyeballing all the interesting people that were standing at the station and waiting for the bus. There was a young mother with a baby carriage, a retired couple that looked like a pair of white turtle doves, a lady with baskets overflowing with fruits and vegetables who had obviously just completed her weekly shopping at the outdoor market, and a pair of paratroopers with sunburnt noses and wind-cracked lips.

A few minutes later, a swivel-hipped young lady of about 19 arrived at the bus stop. I won't describe her, but let's just say that modesty was not her most outstanding trait. At a quick estimation, her body was about 35% covered and 65% uncovered. I took the daily newspaper out of my attache case, and buried my face in it.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a man with a black hat, a long black beard, and a black coat approaching the bus stop. Obviously, he was some kind of Chassid. His eyes quickly scanned the bus stop and those who were waiting for the next bus. When he spotted the immodesty, he turned his gaze downward to the sidewalk and moved back to wait for the bus under the canopy of an adjacent fruit and vegetable store. I figured that he didn't want to be ensnared by forbidden sights, but suddenly, he came back to the bus stop with a big bright red apple in his hand.

To all of our amazement, the Chassid walked straight toward the unclad girl. He extended his arm, showed her the apple, and said, "Here, young lady; this is for you."

The young lady was totally surprised. She had no idea what a Chassid with beard and payis wanted from her. "For me?" she asked, almost shocked. "Why?"

Every one of the onlookers seemed to be asking the same question.

The Chassid smiled, and while still looking at the sidewalk said:

"Eve didn't know that she was nude either until she ate an apple...," he said, and disappeared.

The Civil War in Gaza

My good buddy Dry Bones proves that a picture is worth 10,000 words. I couldn't have said it better myself...

Bones and Beams

If you see the cartoon at the left, you'll understand why Yaakov Kirschen, aka "Dry Bones", is one of my favorite people. He puts a lot of smiles on a lot of people's faces, and he always has a big smile on his own face.

At any rate, I received this link to the JTA Global Jewish News Service today, that tells about Bones and Beams. Nice to be with such pleasant company.

Congratulations to Yaakov for his Gold Medals in this year's JIB 2007, and also for his new daily editorial cartoons on Ynet News.com .

Weekend Beams: High-level Anger

Left, Fire-spittin' "Mammy Yokum" from the Li'l Abner comics by Al Capp

Old Mrs. Broigges

a story reprinted from Chapter One of The Trail to Tranquility

Old Mrs. "Broigges" (Yiddish term for extremely angry) asked her oldest son to approach her sickbed. "Jacob, run fetch the Rabbi; don't delay!"

The Rabbi arrived immediately. "Mrs. Broigges," he whispered gently in her ear, "In order to assure your place in the World to Come, you must confess your sins and make peace with your fellow man before you leave this world."

"Yes, Rabbi," the old woman nodded. "I want to make amends. For the last forty years, I've been feuding with Yenta Grossman. Please summon her so I can beg her forgiveness."

The Rabbi sent his understudy to summon Mrs. Grossman as fast as possible. Within fifteen minutes, she joined the others by the dying Mrs. Broigges's bedside.

Mrs. Broigges opened her glossy eyes, and focused on Yenta Grossman. She extended two frail bony hands, and said, "Yenta darling, I'm so sorry for the years of hate and anger. I want to beg your forgiveness. Come closer, dear, so I can kiss your before I leave this earth."

There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Obviously moved, Yenta Grossman leaned tenderly toward Mrs. Broigges, to kiss her on the lips. All of a sudden…

"Yahowwwwwwwwwiiiiiii". Yenta released the most blood-curdling scream you ever heard. Blood splattered all over the room. Just as she was about to kiss Mrs. Broigges, the sly old warhorse clamped her teeth around Yenta's nose with the ferocity of an irate lioness. Yenta Grossman's nose was nearly severed from her face.

"Now, I can die peacefully," sighed Mrs. Broigges, closing her eyes for the last time, with an ear-to-ear grin on her face.

Don't think that the story is far-fetched. Angry people are willing to sacrifice an eternity of bliss for one bittersweet moment of revenge.

Beam's Purim Foto-Festival

1. Neturei Carter

2. Kosher Reindeer

3. NY Mets celebrating Hoshana Raba

4. This farmer really loves his cat

5. Frum dog

6. Pakistan just doesn't seem to attract tourists...

7. On Purim, you have to drink until Achmedinejad looks to you like this:

May you keep that Purim smile on your face all year long! Happy Purim from the Beams.

Na-Nach-Nachman of Lebanon

My good buddy A Simple Jew sent me the above gem courtesy of Tzemach of Mentalblog. This Lebanese villager doesn't seem to like the writing on the wall. I guess he's a Shiite Misnaged...

Breslever has his own interesting comment about the above photo.

Breslever Chassidim gave out thousands of Tikkun HaKlali booklets to IDF soldiers during the war.

If the entire IDF starts saying Tikkun HaKlali, they'll really be tough. For Tikkun Klali in English, click here, thanks to my friends the Commandos of Kdusha at TrueKabbala.org . Feel free to print a copy for yourself, but make sure you treat the printout like you would any other holy book.