33 posts categorized "Humor"

The Time Has Come

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That's some gorgeous beach, isn't it? This pic is an almost perfect image of my fantasy. Here are the minor changes I'm requesting: there should only be one chair for me, because David would be home watching the kids. There should also be a side table with champagne and exotic fruits within my lazy arm's reach. Off by that shaded area under the palm tree, there should be a massage table with a masseuse standing there, ready to give me my hot stone massage. 

Sigh. One day, my redemption will come, and I'll be able to get a little real vacay time at some private beach that I'd have to fly far, far away on international first class to reach. 

Now, I might have to wait a very, very long time for my fantasy to come true, but Rav Arush says that your redemption is here right now! Hey guys, I'm specifically talking to you! Rav Arush explains that lust and improper thoughts make you a slave to your physical desires. Hence, you're in a type of mental prison or indentured servitude to your evil inclination. Take your pick. However, Rav Arush explains that The Time Has Come to break free from the death grip of your animal self, and actually evolve into a refined human being! Who would have thought such a thing could happen? Guys, if you want freedom, read this article! 

I just found out that Rav Brody has a fantasy, too. It's true! His fantasy is that all Israeli flags should have a big plate of hummus in the middle instead of the Magen David, because hummus is the symbol of Israeli unity. How appropriate, considering that tomorrow is Israeli Independence day. But seriously, the conversation he overheard at the supermarket recently was so incredible, that he had to write about it. And what was that conversation about? It was about a husband yelling at his wife to Put the Hummus Back! I'm not kidding. So what was so incredible? The fact that the husband was yelling at his wife in public? Believe me, there ain't nothing strange about that over here. If you want to know, you've got to READ THE ARTICLE! (I'm actually yelling at you right there.)

I can tell you every husband's fantasy. It's not what you think, ladies! Every husband's fantasy is that his wife will stop nagging him. Forever! To that, I say, "NEVER!!" Har, har, har (evil laugh.) David, I mean "Jonathan," writes me that his wife has inexplicably started nagging him like crazy after 10 years of marriage. I was like, "After 10 years? Why did she wait that long?" Anyhow, I gave "Jonathan" an answer that made him cry and his wife cheer and jump for joy.  Hubbies, if you're on the verge of telling your wife, "Get off My Back," then you've just got to read my latest! Do it now, before she runs up an insanely high credit card bill at Bloomingdale's. Run, ladies, run! 

This is unbelievable. Not only is Rebbetzin Channen revealing the misguided fantasy that people think emuna should be, but yet again she gave me chills at the end of her article! OMG. Many of us think that having emuna means you're never supposed to get angry or upset when a test comes your way. Like, that's soooo not true! She shows us that throughout our history, we've had less than perfect emuna, and that's the way it's supposed to be! Why? Read her article, Time after Time. (Did you get my not-so-clever play on words?)

I don't think I can handle reading two articles by Rebbetzin Channen, because I'm starting to feel like it's winter in my room. What's this thing with getting chills every time I read her articles? Honestly, I'm getting a little annoyed with myself. But what can I do? Her writing is that good. This one talks about the different galaxy that she recently traveled to, commonly known as Australia. OMG is this another world! So calm. So polite. So the polar opposite of living in Israel! You've got to read the amazing insights she received From Down Under. She just gave me a new fantasy. One day, Israelis will live like Australians, and not run each other over with their grocery carts. Yeah, right.

Lori Steiner is too organized for me as she shares with us a very, well, organized plan (did you catch that?) of how to focus on the good when we go through challenges. Obviously it's not as fun as throwing yourself on the ground in a massive temper tantrum, but it's much more effective at warding off the evil spirits. So I started reading this article, and the first point was about taking it personally.  And then I was done. I couldn't handle any more truth. Don't worry, Lori, I'm just kidding! She's so on the money, someone should pay her for her latest, Chart it and Discard it. But really, Lory, what am I supposed to do if the second category is my absolute favorite game of all time that I love to play with my husband?? Maybe I'll fantasize that he never does anything wrong. Let's see how that goes.

I am flattered that Dovber HaLevy decided to name his article after my gym obsession, called Flexing the Joy Muscle. Dovber, how did you know that I love to work out so much? I really do smile when I do that Superman pose in the mirror, and I don't care that all the women there are giving me strange looks and whispering to each other. Then, I turn around and yell at them, "Let's see YOUR muscles, ladies!" It's true. I'm completely crazy. Maybe it's because I haven't worked out since last Thursday, because I pulled some tendons in my shoulder and hip. It's all David's fault. Sorry, Dovber. If you peeps out there seriously want to be happy, then listen up to Dovber's tips! 

AND.... did you know that Rav Brody is coming to North America in just two weeks??? Check out the link for dates and locations.

You don't want to miss this tour! It's going to be motivational! Inspiring! Strobe lights and smoke machines! Hallelujah!! 

I've got to get back to the gym...

~Racheli


My Bling Bling

I hope David doesn't read this post. A few days ago, I took the train to Malcha Mall in Jerusalem and couldn't help but buy this gorgeous light blue sapphire ring. What do you think?

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Don't worry, I've got it all figured out. When hubby gets the bill, I'm going to act dumb, as if I have no idea where that mysterious 4,000 shekel charge came from. And then, when we get into a huge fight about it, I'm going to pull out the, "What, I'm not worth it?!!" card.

Seriously, don't tell him what I wrote. That goes for you especially, Judah Cohen. I know where you live.

Although my photography skills are still quite lacking due to shaky hands and a cheap phone camera, I think this picture is pretty nice. Do any of you remember that old Jlo song, "Jenny from the Block"? I came up with my own version.

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got... I just totally lied to you and this ring costs only $11.  

Now that's a Grammy-winning song right there. 

For some reason, I'm not ashamed to admit that I love fake jewelry, especially because it's cheap! In my mind, why should I spend a ton of money just to have something that I can say is real, if I can get something fake that's just as beautiful and 1/100th the cost? 

Men, you're probably like, "So what do I care about your ugly ring?" Well, I'll tell you what. My ring actually carries very deep and esoteric messages, like: "money ain't buy you no happiness," and "mo' money, mo' problems," and "you can still buy nice jewelry for your wife that doesn't have to cost your life's savings." 

Most of the things that we chase in life look like they'll give us real happiness. Money, fancy homes, fancy cars, fancy jewelry - it's all nice, but it's a glittering mirage. It's funny, in a way. The tangible things that we want seem real, but they're not. And the intangible things that we place less importance on are what's real.

Love, joy, peace of mind, fulfilling relationships, a strong and personal  connection with The Creator - these things are what's really important in life. Botttom line? It's great to want nice things in life, just don't make it your life's mission to have nice things. Get outta my way, Confucius. 

And if you still think this ring is real, go and get yourself a free eye exam at Walmart, pronto.

Have a wonderful day!

~Racheli

 


I'm Baaaack!

Happy new week, dear readers! It's Racheli, and I'm soooooooo thrilled to be back! Seriously, I missed you guys. Really. Did you miss me? Even just a little? No? Well, just pretend like you did, okay? I'm very fragile, you know. 

Speaking of fragile, for that one person that did miss me, (Tena, would that be you?) I'll give you a little quiz so you can figure out on your own where I've been hiding.

Racheli hasn't been on LazerBeams for over two weeks because:

a) she's been lounging on the beach in Eilat

2) she's been treating herself to daily massages and mani/pedi's

%) she's been unable to leave the kitchen for the entire week of Pesach

8) her kids have been home for nearly three weeks, and she almost lost her mind

72) all of the above

Hmmmm. I know. It's a tough choice. Think. Exercise what's left of those precious brain cells. While you're scratching your heads trying to figure it out, I'm scratching my head trying to find something inspirational to say. Since my brain cells are currently recovering from my kids' ridiculously extended vacation, I'll share with you these gorgeous pics that I took right behind my house. Gosh, Israel is so, so beautiful! Maybe one day I'll actually get to see what's beyond my backyard!

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Wishing you a wonderful and inspiring week!

 

 

 

 


Matzo Man

Important Pesach notice: Sadness and depression are the two worst forms of spiritual chametz. They have no place in our house or in our hearts! If you're not smiling, G-d forbid, go have a look at Matzo Man - this is one of our perennial favorites. May Hashem bless you with the happiest Pesach ever!


The Holiday of Emuna

Pesach cartoon

If I were Moshe Rabbeinu, I would say: "For the next 40 years we do Zumba and cross training until we're about to collapse, and in between all that we'll power walk and eat lots of guacamole-flavored manna."

By this cute cartoon, it seems that the manna really did become whatever we wanted it to be. It's a good thing we don't have manna today, because I'd be eating a full, all-you-can-eat buffet every night. This year more than ever, it's way too easy to eat whatever you want on Pesach. There's no feeling of lack any more. You can eat all kinds of cakes, cookies, even pizza that are from potato starch and gasp gluten free! But be forewarned: gluten free is a big scam! Aside from being a necessity for those with Celiac, gluten free just means TONS OF SUGAR. 

And all that sugar raises your insulin, and high insulin means you're storing more calories as fat instead of burning them. So eater beware. Don't end up with a Pesach Potbelly. I'll do my best to follow my own advice too, for once.

Speaking of potbellies, did you know that Pesach is connected with emuna? I have no idea what those two things have to do with potbellies, but I didn't have another lead-in. And I'm very, very tired. Like, fading out tired. This last sentence took me six minutes to write. Let's focus on the Pesach/emuna connection. Rav Brody talks about the strange contradiction between the bread of poverty and joyous celebration. Certainly these two don't go together, right? Wrong! Rav Brody makes an amazing connection between matzah and emuna, and I promise it's much better than my lame connection between potbellies and emuna. Don't miss this must-read article before Pesach, A Most Welcome Guest! 

Rav Shalom Arush says that to appreciate Pesach, we must learn gratitude as well. Amazing. I'm not exactly sure how, but in the midst of getting ready for Pesach and freaking out on our kids because they keep sneaking food into their rooms, we're supposed to look for our good points and thank Hashem for them. I've gotta try that sometime. I think that focusing on our Good Points and Gratitude is a great way for us to save our sanity and keep us from doing something that might get us a little jail time, if you get my drift. 

My featured article this week has nothing to do with Pesach, but it has a whole lot to do with emuna! You'll be amazed by this true story of a good friend of mine, who came back to Judaism through her Japanese student who wasn't Jewish, as she was living in Japan and teaching English and she ended up marrying him, and then there was this massive earthquake, and you seriously have to read From Riches to Righteous! 

I can't believe it. It happened again! I got chills at the end of Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen's article! How does she do it?? Read the amazing story of Shlomo, her son, and do your best to learn from her example. I know I will! Enjoy these beautiful Fruits of Emuna!  They're low-carb!

Dr. Zev Ballen gives us great tips for how to get out of the same destructive patterns that we fall into when dealing with our kids. I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about. But for all the rest of you parents that aren't perfect like I am, do yourselves and your kids a big favor and read Ending the Crazy 8.

It's obvious to me that Jennifer Woodward is one totally righteous woman. Just the title of her article alone is something I couldn't even write. While she's sharing her personal journey through some tough challenges and her attempts to reach Level 3 emuna, I'm still scratching my head and wondering if I'm ever going to reach Level 1. I'm really not kidding. Are any of you as amazing as she is, that you can see The Beauty of Tribulations in your life? Please, let me know who you are! I want to be your friend!

You know, I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing in such awesome virtual company. Dr. Rivka Levron writes about her amazing and terrifying (for me) car crash with The Flying Tire, but from the aspect of complete Divine Providence. Seriously, who does such a thing? I'm making myself sound more pathetic as I write, aren't I? Well, that's a-okay! 

Oh, brother. Here's another righteous one. Lori Steiner writes about Blessing the Evil Inclination.  Yes, it's true. Our evil inclinations are actually here to help us get closer to Hashem. Lori gives us great tips that help us use him for our benefit while not falling into his wily trap. What does wily mean? I'm too lazy too look it up. 

Just when you thought you couldn't be as righteous as our writers, I'm here to tell you that you can! Be a part of Rav Arush's incredible Kimcha d'Pischa fund, which gives food for Pesach to impoverished families. Imagine what beautiful blessings you will receive by sponsoring a poor family's Seder! It's priceless, I tell you! 

So that's it. I'm packing up and going on vacation to Eilat. By myself. Sometime in the next 20 years. In the meantime, I hope you all have a wonderful Shabbat and Pesach Kasher V'Sameach! 

~Racheli


WOW!!

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I can't believe it! I actually found a caricature of myself! Okay, so it's not entirely accurate. Instead of a tennis racket, I would be holding a free weight, and instead of holding a cute little baby I'd have five wild genetically modified monkey/boy hybrids climbing all over me and fighting. But aside from that, this pic is spot-on. I even wear a crown on my head all day. And I really am that skinny. Almost.

But when I'm mad? Watch out! I look more like this:

Firebreathing dragon

The past few days I've been doing a lot of this cool fire-breathing technique. It's a shame it's not included in the relaxation breathing techniques that I never do, because if it were, I'd be the most chill mom in the world. Fo' rizzle. 

This second pic is exactly how I feel today. I've had it with the stress of cleaning, cleaning some mo', food shopping, turning over my kitchen, covering stuff up, did I miss anything? The kids have only been home on their Pesach break for one day and I'm ready to run away. They made me blow up our little inflatable pool, and that meant lots of extra laundry. LOTS. Not cool. Then, one of my kids threw a tantrum and absolutely refused to get his hair cut because he wasn't first. And then a whole bunch of other stuff.

As they say, Baruch Hashem! It could be a whole 'lot worse.

Next week, we'll re-experience our liberation from slavery. I can't wait! I love getting drunk and then having to do the dishes and put the kids to bed after slaving away the entire day. 

These past few weeks and the grand finale that we (WOMEN) have been slaving away towards is almost here. And therefore, I'd like to give a shout-out to all of the awesome MOMS that do it all, and then some. So I had this crazy cool chiddush about the word MOM. If you turn it upside-down, it says WOW.  

Like, totally cool! Here, I'll use it in a sentence: WOW, I can't believe how much MOM accomplishes every day! 

Is it really a chiddush? I'm sure someone else thought of it first, but since I didn't know about it, I'll happily take full credit for it. 

Yes, you Dads are awesome too. But I couldn't include you in the WOW, because that wouldn't make any sense. After all, DAD upside-down is nothing. But if you put it in lowercase, like dad, then you'll get pap. Which is also dad, albeit quite a stretch. Pap, pappy, pop, whatever. 

Anyhow, I'd just like to say on behalf of Hashem that He's super proud of all of our efforts. It's truly unbelievable how many things we have on our plates at the same time, and we still do as much as we can to live according to the Torah as best as we can. Kol Hakavod! Hashem loves you, babe.

Wishing you a happy, low-stress, buzzed but not sick drunk, enjoyable, and delicious Yetzias Mitzrayim

~Racheli


Midnight Hour: Breslev Motown Purim

In loving memory of my father, Yaacov ben Yitzchak, who loved a l'chaim and a good laugh. It's ever so suitable that his yahrtzeit is on Shushan Purim, tomorrow. This one's for you, Pop...

L'Chaim and a Happy Purim with a wonderfully joyous new week!

Breslevers have a good time all year long, and especially on Purim. Here's what happens when Menachem Herman and I get together on Purim; when we're sober, we turn Sweet Home Alabama into Sweet Home Jerusalem. After a couple glasses of vintage Gush Etzion wine, Wilson Pickett becomes a Breslever Chassid, and the Midnight Hour becomes a song about hitbodedut, personal prayer with Hashem in the wee hours. I hope you have as much fun watching this as we did recording it. May your Purim smile last all year long, amen!