I'm having a midlife crisis. And no, it's not a misspelling. See, in Hebrew, there is no "th" sound, so people use "f" instead. My kids do it all the time. Oh, here's a great example: "My fum erts." Let's break it down, Zumba style. My = my. Fum = thumb. Erts = hurts. There is a strange phenomenon here also, where people don't pronounce the "h" sound when there is an h in the beginning of the word, but they will add an "h" sound when there is no h!! Eggs = heggs. iphone = hiphone. Hungry = ungry. Actually, it's more like "ahngry," like when the doctor tells you to say, "ah." Old = hold.
Which brings me back to my midlife crisis. I'm 39 today. 39!! What happened to my youth? Sorry, youf. What happened to my youf? My life? Where did it go? What are all of these kids doing in my house? Can somebody call their mahzer to come get them? Mahzer = mother. I tell you, the Hebrew version of English is completely wack.
It seems that my midlife crisis is making me a little oversensitive. So what do I have planned for my big day? Besides crying, I had a killer workout this morning, and then I went food shopping, and now I'z 'bout to do the laundry, laundry, dishes, dishes. Laundry and dishes. And if I play my cards right, maybe David will take me out to the local falafel stand down the street. He's so romantic.
Since I can't afford a luxury sports car, I did the next best thing and treated myself to some "buy one, get one free" jewelry. I'm all blinged out. Is this too much?
Fyi, that was a really hard selfie to take. And I didn't even show you the other hand! I'm in a crisis. It's obvious. But really, I just love a good sale. David thinks I've lost my mind. To which I respond, "If I were normal, I wouldn't have married you, honey."
I gotta tell you, this past year has been the best year of my life. I got to start writing on the Beams, and I still can't believe I haven't been kicked off yet, to be honest. I started feeling like a human again and not like a shmata (floor rag.) I'm healthy, have beautiful and healthy kids, and a hubby that puts up with my nonsense. My car still runs, which is pretty incredible. I'm still writing for Breslev Israel after almost 8 years. I live in the most amazing country in the world.
If only we could reflect on our trillions of blessings every day. We have so much to be grateful for.
On a person's birthday, it's auspicious to give a blessing to others, so here's mine to you, dear readers: You should be blessed with great health, loving and joyful marriages, a soulmate if you're looking, abundant income, beautiful and healthy children, and an ever-growing connection to Hashem, Who loves you more than you can ever imagine. And, of course, emuna and gratitude. Because what life is worth living without them?
Enjoy your day, and remember, I'm still accepting gifts until the end of the monf!
Nope. It's not a misprint. I'm officially "carless." But it's not my fault! Really! Here's what happened, in case you were wondering. On Friday when I turned on the engine, I heard this vague noise coming from the engine. But then I dismissed it as those freaky sounds that come from who-knows-where and people post them on youtube. You've probably seen those videos. You know, the ones where you hear crazy sounds like howling or ghosts or cows mooing all sorts of ghastly moo sounds. Maybe there's a secret cow cult that does bloody cow sacrifices in the deep forest. These cows take an oath of secrecy and will not reveal the fact that they're actually aliens from Planet X who have been sent to destroy the human race and replace all of us with stealth killer cow aliens. Cowliens. They even wear leather jackets with spikes on the shoulders. The bulls have their horns pierced with hoop earrings and diamond studs.
WHY ARE YOU WATCHING YOUTUBE???
G-d I love those videos.
So I heard this strange sound, and of course I ignored it. Can't be bothered with going to the mechanic when there are Zumba classes to go to, you know. Then, on Sunday morning, I heard it again. Ignored it again. Then, I had to go into Bet Shemesh for who-knows-what, and on the way there, my battery light suddenly turned on. Great. I almost thought about ignoring that too, but then I realized that I might get stuck on a road somewhere, so I drove straight to the mechanic.
"Your alternator isn't running smoothly," he told me. I was like, "Huh?" Then he gave me a crash course in alternators and pulleys, which incidentally I found fascinating. In the end, I had to leave my car there and walk the 8 miles home. Just kidding. I flew home on a Monsanto-sponsored GMO alien cow experiment gone horribly wrong.
So in an hour, I found myself carless. But that's life. We can't predict what will happen from one minute to the next, so we've just got to do our best to go with the flow. Roll with the punches. Follow the lights. ??
I just heard some jackals howling outside. Whoooooo, whooooooo!
On second thought, that howling could likely be coming from teenagers.
On that note, I'm checking out. Sayonara. Asta lavista, baby. Asta Luego. Adios. Aloha. Arrivederci. Ciao. Auf Wiedersehen. That was soooo annoying to copy. Au revoir. Shalom!
I should be asleep right now. But I ate like 6 or 7 cacao beans, which are totally bitter and disgusting, but they give you so much energy and do all kinds of other things that I'm too lazy to write about. Actually, it's not that I'm so lazy, but I just painted my nails and it's very hard to type with wet nails. Okay, so I'm also a little bit lazy.
Do any of you know what that title stands for? That's right! Thank G-d Shabbat Is Ova'. I love Shabbat, but being alone with five boys who won't listen to a word I say and who refuse to go and fight outside is very draining. Especially when I don't have a husband to yell at to get up from his beauty sleep and go take care of those unruly kids of his. And now my oldest one, who's 12, is getting all hormonal and pre-pubescent on me, and I realized that I basically have two choices:
a. run away
b. start drinking
I wanted to add in a third choice, but it's not legal, not even in China. Maybe it's legal in Syria, since people seem to be killing each other like it's going out of style, Hashem have mercy!
You know I'm joking, right?
Or am I?
I've got to get to bed. These nails are taking forever to dry! But as long as I'm sitting here, I might as well let you know that I lost my beautiful blue stone ring that I posted about a month ago. I have no idea why I posted it, now that I think about it. But if one of you out there is psychic and could tell me where my ring is, I'll be forever grateful. The only good thing is that it only cost $11, so I can order another one. But until then, I'll have to settle with my 83 other fake rings. One day I think I'll wear a ring on each finger, like those old-school grandmas used to do. I'll wear it to my Zumba class with my Nike hat. I'll be an old-school ghetto grandma with some Janet Jackson moves. Awwww, yeah. Speaking of grandmas, isn't she, like 50? And is it true she recently had a baby?? OMG what is this world coming to??
Well, wadda ya know! Rav Arush happens to have a few Jewels in the Sand for me! I don't know why he'd put them in the sand instead of just giving them to me, but I'll take them any way I can get them. Okay, so I just read the article, and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with diamond jewelry, but it does have an amazing true story of what sharing just one emuna book can do. You've got to read this!
This next article doesn't have anything to do with jewelry, unless you're thinking about stringing some matzah balls together and wearing them as a necklace. Maybe I'll try it sometime. Rav Brody tells us the story of a famous Chassidish tzaddik who ate Berele's Gebrokts on Pesach, simply to preserve the dignity of another Jew. It's stories like these that make me so grateful I'm Sephardi and I can eat all the gebrokts I want. (Well, I'm actually half Polish, but that part is hiding in a corner, desperately praying to G-d that the Iraqi half doesn't find her and turn her into kubbe.)
My latest article describes a gorgeous baby girl that I fell in love with, only to realize later that she was a Fake Baby. Look, I know it's been three years since I've had a baby, but I can still tell the difference between a real one and a fake one - at least, in person! But online, wow, that baby looked so real! I'm a little disappointed that the picture I sent in wasn't posted in the article, but I just tried finding it, and I came across some crazy pictures of crazy adults holding fake dolls and caring for them like they were their real babies. And then I saw a few pics of babies in these clear plastic containers, but the babies were in pieces instead of already assembled. Super freaky. Maybe Janet Jackson actually had one of these fake babies. C'mon people. 50 ain't no joke.
I've decided that Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen, one of our two Emuna Therapists, is moving in with me. I could certainly use her wise perspective on dealing with my kids, as I just read in her latest, Father Knows Best. However, I would change the title to "Rebbetzin Channen Knows Best." She is one of my closest friends, and I can tell you that not only does she know human nature inside and out, but she knows how to deal with people in difficult situations. And that is something so rare! Yehudit, please consider moving in with us! I'll cook for you every night! I'll put all five kids in one room so you can have your own room! Just name it - it's yours! You want some fake jewelry?
It seems that my nails have dried, so on that note, have a wonderful week! I'm going to sleep!
If you feel down for some reason, watch the following 3-minute clip. It will pick you up. My gift to you today is a 3-word saying that you must tell yourself as soon as you sense the slightest bit of sadness or depression: Hashem Loves Me. It's true, and it kills the evil inclination. Enjoy.
I hope David doesn't read this post. A few days ago, I took the train to Malcha Mall in Jerusalem and couldn't help but buy this gorgeous light blue sapphire ring. What do you think?
Don't worry, I've got it all figured out. When hubby gets the bill, I'm going to act dumb, as if I have no idea where that mysterious 4,000 shekel charge came from. And then, when we get into a huge fight about it, I'm going to pull out the, "What, I'm not worth it?!!" card.
Seriously, don't tell him what I wrote. That goes for you especially, Judah Cohen. I know where you live.
Although my photography skills are still quite lacking due to shaky hands and a cheap phone camera, I think this picture is pretty nice. Do any of you remember that old Jlo song, "Jenny from the Block"? I came up with my own version.
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got... I just totally lied to you and this ring costs only $11.
Now that's a Grammy-winning song right there.
For some reason, I'm not ashamed to admit that I love fake jewelry, especially because it's cheap! In my mind, why should I spend a ton of money just to have something that I can say is real, if I can get something fake that's just as beautiful and 1/100th the cost?
Men, you're probably like, "So what do I care about your ugly ring?" Well, I'll tell you what. My ring actually carries very deep and esoteric messages, like: "money ain't buy you no happiness," and "mo' money, mo' problems," and "you can still buy nice jewelry for your wife that doesn't have to cost your life's savings."
Most of the things that we chase in life look like they'll give us real happiness. Money, fancy homes, fancy cars, fancy jewelry - it's all nice, but it's a glittering mirage. It's funny, in a way. The tangible things that we want seem real, but they're not. And the intangible things that we place less importance on are what's real.
Love, joy, peace of mind, fulfilling relationships, a strong and personal connection with The Creator - these things are what's really important in life. Botttom line? It's great to want nice things in life, just don't make it your life's mission to have nice things. Get outta my way, Confucius.
And if you still think this ring is real, go and get yourself a free eye exam at Walmart, pronto.