Lazer Beams

The Lesson of the Burnt Toast

Here's how to be a better husband and enjoy fantastic marital bliss in 3 minutes:

Have a wonderful Shabbat and keep those cheek muscles in shape. How? Don't let that smile leave your face.

What does it mean to be a man?

No, it's not Boloney

Dear Rabbis Shalom Arush and Lazer Brody, Shalom from my heart to yours!

A few months ago a young man came to our house and knocked on the door. He spoke good English and offered me your book, The Garden of Emuna. He wrote his name on the inside cover but I can't read it. Anyway, he came back again at the end of summer and asked if I had read the book. I told him that I hadn't.  He seemed a little hurt but he offered me another book of yours, the Garden of Peace. I told him I'd read it and that I'd call him.  I put the book on the table and forgot about it. My wife saw it and spent one Shabbat reading it from cover to cover. She was blown away by the insight you have about woman. She told me that if every husband would take this book to heart, there would be no more unhappy wives, one of which was her. 

Of course, I didn't want to read the book but I knew that I was a long way from being the husband my wife deserved. The morning after she read the book she told me about her needs that I wasn't meeting. She spoke differently and I was able to listen to her for the first time at that level. I told her that I was afraid of the severe judgments that would be waiting for me if I were to fail. Just admitting this to her opened a flood gate of tears in my eyes. I never admitted such a thing before. I also admitted, "I don't know how to be a good husband."  Who taught me to be a good husband?  Nobody! I've been on my own and failing miserably. Then I took your book in my hands, went downstairs to my work area and started to read. It was a difficult beginning for me as I was having a very hard time accepting the concept that everything my wife said was as if Hashem was saying it through her to me.

In fact, when I first read it I made a note, 'boloney', in the margin. I didn't give up though but kept reading. My heart started to soften when you explained the female part of me and described how it manifested itself in criticisms, critique, argumentiveness, not accepting blame, blaming my wife, behaving like a female instead of a male. That was the beginning of change for me. You made sense to me. I'm now half way through the book a second time and do not think anything is boloney. It's an incredible blessing to me. I especially like knowing not to expect anyting from my wife; my purpose is to receive from Hashem and give to her. I don't need honor, recognition, praise, sex or anything from her.  I'm complete with what I receive from Hashem.

As I become more established, I'm seeing how my wife is changing towards me. The anger is going away and she's able to feel that the changes in me are real and that I'm not pretending anything. Another huge insight that I've incorporated into my daily life is the constantly examine the state of my personal holiness. I'm no longer consumed by bodily lust. I feel much stronger in my spirit and I have great expectations for the future as I'm finally able to relate to life as a man. You opened my understanding of myself and I can look forward to becoming more united with Hashem, for the My wife will be blessed everytime I'm blessed by Hashem.  She'll soon know no need as I'll have no need. As Hashem supplies all my needs, I'll supply all of hers. She'll lack nothing because I will have finally been able to make her first place in my life, something she is beginning to feel for the first time in our 17-year marriage.  The changes have happened quickly because the insight was so helpful. Thank you so much; My wife keeps asking, 'how did a man gain such insight into the needs of a woman?' She thinks if every man would accept your teachings, war would end and the world would live in peace. She's right. With greatest appreciation, Martin from Canada

Chanukah Gifts from the Heart

With the economic squeeze, people are worried about what they're going to buy their loved ones for Chanukah.

First of all, there's no mitzva on Chanukah to exchange gifts.

Second, the best gifts aren't material.

The greatest gift you can bestow on another human being is empathy and a non-judgmental, listening ear. People forget material gifts, but they don't forget the time, patience, and understanding you accorded them. The best gifts originate in the heart, not in the wallet.

The Husband's Ten Commandments

Dear Rabbi Brody,
I'm not a religious person, nor am I Jewish, but I've been a fan of your blog for almost 3 years now and feel so much better about myself ever since. Anyway, I'm going to be married in 3 weeks after 36 years of bachelorhood. I remember reading somewhere about someone who asked a Jewish wise man to teach him the entire Torah while standing on one foot, and I guess I'm asking you for the same thing. Even so, could you please give me a few general guidelines for insuring future happiness in marriage? I appreciate your time and attention. Tom S., North Carolina

Dear Tom,

First off, I suggest you read Rabbi Shalom Arush's new book that I had the privilege to translate, The Garden of Peace. You won't be sorry.

In answer to your question, yes, there are some basic guidelines that work for any marriage, despite religious or cultural background. If you follow these simple points, you'll have a happy wife and your relationship will blossom. Real love comes with real commitment, and that begins only after you've taken the vows. Here are a few pointers that have never failed (if you follow them, I'll guarantee you a happy home until you and your wife reach 120):

1. Never criticize your wife, no matter what. In an environment free of criticism, she'll blossom emotionally, and she'll do everything in her power to please you, so ultimately, you won't have anything to criticize.
2. Never make a negative remark about her parents or family. Call your inlaws once a week. If you develop a good relationship with them, your wife will forever hold you in high regard.
3. Never say "no" to your wife; if she asks for something that you can't afford, tell her you'll get it for her as soon as you have the money.
4. Spend a minimum of 30 minutes a day listening to your wife - not talking, just listening. Show her that her life is important to you. If possible, you should set aside an hour a day for quality communication time together (sitting in front of the TV with beer and pretzels is not quality communication time!).
5. Make her first-priority in your life, above everyone else. 
6. Agree on a mutually-acceptable third party (a clergyman you trust, etc.) to air your differences.
7. Never say a derogatory word about your wife to anyone.
8. If your wife is displeased with you, don't be angry; she's your mirror and she's reflecting you. It's also usually a sign that The Almighty is displeased with you. Rather than arguing with her, do some soul-searching, mend your fences, and you'll see how things work out for the best.
9. Smile always, and try your best to speak softly to her always. Nothing makes a wife nervous like an angry husband.
10. The more you develop your emuna (complete faith in G-d) and your trust in G-d, the more you'll develop inner strength. Wives love nothing more than a husband with inner strength that they can lean on. They hate when their husbands are emotional weaklings that lean on them. Emuna makes you strong.

I guess you can call the above list "The ten commandments for a husband". Thanks to you, Tom, we've finally written them down. I wish you and your bride all the happiness in the world. Blessings always, LB

Fertility Enhancement

Dear Rabbi Brody,

Problem one: My husband and I are both healthy and fertile. I am very regular as well. Yet, we've been married for eight years and have not yet been blessed with children. The doctors say that there's no reason I shouldn't get pregnant, but it just doesn't seem to happen.

Problem two: Thank G-d, we are very compatible, yet we bicker a lot over non-consequential things. Our rabbi told us to have our mezuzos and ketuba (marriage contract - LB) checked, and we did - they're all fine. I'm at my wits end. What do we do? Appreciatively, Karen from LI

Dear Karen,

The bickering is expected, since you and your husband are quite up tight with month after month of anticipation, then month after month of disappointment. I know it's not easy, but you should both sharpen your self-awareness, and avoid the senseless clashes, especially during the time of the month when you can't be intimate. The tight nerves are also counterproductive to fertility.

You may find this odd, but have you and your husband ever asked Hashem for a baby? If you were here, I'd take your husband out to the desert, give him a canteen of water, and leave him on a hilltop for an hour to yell his heart out to Hashem. Since you're not here, go with your husband to a deserted stretch of beach on Long Island Sound, take separate directions, and cry your eyes out, praying in your own words - in English - and beg Hashem for what you want. Hanna, the prophet Samuel's mother, did the same thing. So did Isaac and Rebecca. Repeat this as much as possible.

Try to eat as naturally as possible. Your husband should eat figs, garlic, and warm eggs. You both should eat red or blue grapes as well.

If you're not pregnant within the next 60 days after taking the above advice, don't despair: Rebbe Nachman of Breslev writes that living in Israel is conducive to childbearing and to peace in the home. I would therefore suggest that you seriously consider moving to Israel. If that's out of the question, I would suggest two alternatives - one, give regular charity to a worthy cause in Israel, and that way you are in effect a shareholder in Israel, and second, fill your house with Torah-oriented books printed in Israel. Another good ploy that has helped loads of people is by spreading emuna CDs all over the place. Either way, with Hashem's loving grace, I pray that you'll be parents within the next 12 months. Peace and blessings, Lazer Brody

Should a young bride live with a mother-in-law?

Dear Rabbi Lazer,
I need your urgent advice. I'm engaged, and my wedding date is in 4 weeks (July 13). My fiance, a fresh honors graduate from med school, had been accepted for internship in a reputable Colorado hospital, and promised me (before our engagement) that right after the wedding, we'd be moving out West. Now, he's been accepted to intern in a very prestigious hospital in his home town of NYC, which I utterly can't stand. To make matters worse, he wants to save money by us living with his parents, since they have a tremendous house, and all their other kids have moved out already. I feel like I'm getting a raw deal, my stomach summersaults with nerves, and I'm having second doubts about the marriage, with a guilty conscience to boot. Rabbi Lazer, am I being selfish? My fiance promised me that we'd be living in Denver; NYC is bad enough, but am I expected to live with his parents? I feel like a lamb being set up for slaughter, and I don't like it. As a rabbi, would you allow me to break off the engagement? Please answer me as fast as possible. Thank you so much. Susie from Connecticut

Dear Susie,

When a young bride is forced to live with her mother-in-law, the marriage is starting off on the left foot. No bride in the world can withstand a 24-hr. a day microscopic surveillance. Mothers-in-law are happy to find fault, and they almost always think that their daughters-in-law aren't doing enough for their poochy-moochy little boy. If your fiance told you before the engagement that you'd be living in NYC with his parents, you certainly wouldn't have agreed. It's therefore not fair to pop the new conditions on you four weeks before the wedding. According to religious law, you don't have to agree to the new conditions.

I would advise your fiance that a happy wife in Denver (where he'll have a good internship anyway) is better than a miserable wife and a prestige internship in NYC. If you're not happy, I don't foresee that he'll be successful. Rebbe Nachman of Breslev teaches us that a husband's success is the result of the illumination of his wife's soul.

Under no circumstances should you agree to live with his parents. A young couple must have their privacy; you're better off living on a bed of straw in a rented barn than living in your mother-in-law's Long Island mansion with the swimming pool and tennis court. Although you are allowed to stick to your guns in the original conditions of your engagement, if you really want this guy, I'd suggest a compromise: Agree to live in NYC for the limited time of his internship on condition that he rents an apartment.

I strongly urge you and your fiance to seek immediate rabbinical premarital coaching (there are some excellent people in your area). It sounds to me that you both are focusing on yourselves; for a marriage to work, you need to be focusing on each other, with a mutual commitment to G-d. Without the coaching and the commitment, I don't give your future marriage much chances of success. Sorry, Susie, but that's my honest opinion. Best wishes and good luck, Lazer Brody

Appreciating our Aishet Chayil

This coming Shabbat, we should sing "Aishet Chayil" to our wives with much more fervor. We can't show them enough gratitude.

Many women complain to me that their husbands don't appreciate them because they are housewives. That's really inane.

King Solomon spoke about the woman of valor and said (Proverbs 31:10), "And her value greatly exceeds that of pearls." He wasn't kidding...

According to a pre-Mother's Day study released last Thursday by Salary.com, a Waltham-based firm that studies workplace compensation, if a stay-at-home mom could be compensated in dollars rather than personal satisfaction and unconditional love, she'd rake in a nifty sum of nearly $117,000 a year.

Stop taking her for granted, guys. She deserves tons of gratitude for everything she does. In addition, we have to thank Hashem day and night for giving us our Aishet Chayil. I'd be one big zero without mine.

An Outlaw with the Inlaws

Dear Rabbi Brody,

My wife's parents don't even bother hiding their dislike of me. Short of saying so to my face, their manners and behavior towards me make me feel like an outlaw. What do I do? Thanks, AC

Dear AC,

If you truly honor and cherish your wife, and you're not stingy with her, then her parents will most certainly take a liking to you. Double-check yourself in these areas.

Drips of water can put a hole in solid rock. Your inlaws aren't firing Kassam rockets at you, so you can make unilateral peace with them. No matter how they react at first, swallow your pride, put your best foot forward, and call them once a week. A sincere "Good Shabbos" greeting scores big points with inlaws. Bolster the weekly calls with holiday, birthday, and anniversary presents, and kill them with kindness. Eventually, they'll see the error of their ways, realize that they've been giving you a bum deal, and will make amends with you. But, you must be patient, perseverent and humble. When The Almighty and your wife are pleased with you, your inlaws will be also.

Meanwhile, by establishing a line of communication with them, you'll be doing a quadruple mitzva of honoring your inlaws (a rabbinical ordinance, and some rabbinical lawgivers consider it a Torah edict), keeping peace, making your wife happy (because she doesn't have to be torn between her folks and her hubby), and avoiding to harbor hate and malice in your heart against them. Hashem won't forget such a major-league grand-slam mitzva. Wait and see, AC - if you take my advice, I'll guarantee you that with Hashem's help, you'll see enhanced blessings all over the place. With best wishes, LB

Anger - the Real Chametz

Thanks to the Emuna Outreach Production crew in Bet Shemesh, we have another 25-minute segment of our March 13, 2007 talk at the Carlebach Shul in Ramat Bet Shemesh. The overall shiur was entitled "Rejewvenuting Your Marriage", and we spoke about cleaning the worst type of chametz before Pesach, the anger and arrogance in our hearts. This particular segment focuses on shalom bayit, or peace in the home. Husbands - Do you know what your wife wants more than anything? You'll find the answer in the above clip. Enjoy!