61 posts categorized "Marriage and family"

Tu B'Av: Happy Love Day!

Tu B'AvToday is the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Av - "Tu B'Av" - known affectionately in Israel as "Love Day". The Gemara in Tractate Taanit tells us that this is one of the two very best days in the Hebrew calendar, an opportune time for seeking and finding a soul-mate. Here're the events that happened on this wonderful day:

  1. The 40-year long plague that resulted from the Sin of the Spies terminated.
  2. The tribes of Israel were allowed to intermarry, whereas previously one was required to take a spouse from his/her own tribe.
  3. Pilgrimage from all over the Land of Israel to Jerusalem was renewed, whereas previously, anyone outside Judea couldn't reach the Holy Temple.
  4. This became a festive occasion when all the wood needed for the coming year's sacrifices on the altar in the Holy Temple was completely gathered, despite huge obstacles.
  5. The myriad of Jews who had been killed defending Beitar during Bar Kochba's revolt were finally brought to burial. This was a double miracle, since the bodies - despite their being strewn in the hot sun for an extended period - did not decompose. 
  6. This is the day when Hashem in His infinite love and mercy put me under the chuppa (wedding canopy) with the very best woman on earth - my wonderful wife Yehudit, may Hashem bless her with abundance of spiritual and material riches, including long and happy days, amen.

Rav Shalom Arush mentioned in his lecture last night in Holon that "Tu B'Av" has always been a propitious and traditional day for matchmaking. Our sages codified an ancient tradition where all Jewish girls – rich and poor, beautiful and homely - go out dressed in borrowed white dresses and dance in the vineyards (see Tractate Taanit 10b). This was our sages' equal-opportunity mentality, to teach young men to look for upright character rather than a girl's makeup and fancy clothes. If you're married, we wish you much joy and wonderful shidduchim for your children. If you're not yet married, we pray that you find your soul-mate in the nearest future, amen!

People who have searching for their soul-mates have had great success after donating to Emuna Outreach. The reason is simple: by you helping others to connect with Hashem, Hashem helps you (or your child, or whomever you're praying for) connect with your bashert, your intended soul-mate. With that in mind, Donate to Emuna Outreach, and we'll be praying to hear good news from you in the nearest future.

Meanwhile, blessings for a lovely Shabbat! If you're going away for Shabbat, safe travels and please drive alertly, with two eyes on the road and two hands on the steering wheel. Hashem loves you, and we do too!

The Garden of Gehinnom


Just look at this disgusting picture. 


How delicious does that disgusting double burger with all the toppings and fries look?? 

After Shabbat David and I managed to get my tired and his lazy behind(s?) out of the house! Miracles! We went to the new mall in Bet Shemesh, which is the closest thing to America that we got. It's got at least 7 restaurants, a bowling alley, a supermarket, and an overpriced toy store. I gotta say that it's a very nice mall, and all of the restaurants have beautiful outside seating available. 

Anyhow, our date was terrible. I mean, we didn't fight or anything. But I had to sit there and watch him enjoy slopping up this juicy, medium rare American style burger with a real bun and real fries. These are not things to be taken for granted in Israel. They're actual novelties.

I could have eaten just the hamburgers by themselves, but that would have been no fun. And besides, I hate eating late at night. Then my stomach stays bloated throughout the next day and I can't stand it. I hate doing Zumba on a bloated stomach. It's so unladylike. 

Now I've been on plenty of bad dates in my life, and most of them happened to be with my husband, but this date takes the cake. In one word, it was gehinnom. After watching him take two bites, I turned around to face the other direction and ignored him until he was done. What? You think I should have been happy for him? What's wrong with you??

So I'm writing this post for two reasons. First, to throw David under the bus, which you know I love to do. And second, to tell you about my latest article that you must read. MUST!! 

It's called The Garden of Gehinnom, and it's my sequel to Rav Arush's marital guide for men, The Garden of Peace. 

My article gives men a clear understanding of what is expected of them in a marriage, and clearly shows them how they may be making their wives' lives gehinnom even without realizing it. It's going to make me super popular with the ladies and super unpopular with the mens. Yeah, I said mens. You got a problem with that?


Oh, and don't miss my weekly post of insanity below! I'm sharing the latest developments in my fascinating and glamorous life!  


What Does This Look Like?

Photo from Racheli Reckles (21)

Something so ridiculous happened to me this morning that I just had to do something about it. 

But before I tell you what it is, I'd like to ask you a question. And I'm completely serious here.

But before I tell you what the question is, I'd like to ask men and women the same question separately. If that even makes sense. Men, you pick an answer from the choices below, and women, you pick an answer from the choices below. And let me know if you're a man or a woman. 

And Judah Cohen, don't you dare answer two questions under your two different names, Judah and Judy. I will find out. I'm warning you, Judylicious.

If I see even ONE woman pick the same answer as I suspect the men will pick (#1, #3, or #4,) I will personally call you and yell at you. 

Okay, now that I've laid out all of my warnings and requests, here is the big question:


Here, I'll give you a hint. In the plastic bag are some new light bulbs.

Your choices are:

1) A chair with light bulbs on it. No questions asked. 

2) A chair with light bulbs on it for the purpose of putting them into the light fixture, thus enabling the slave in the kitchen (me) to be able to see what she's doing. In the kitchen. If that's even where she is, because it's so dark in the kitchen that she can't see well.

3) A chair with a yellow plastic bag on it that the kids must have put exactly beneath the light fixture in the kitchen that's so dark no one can tell it's actually a kitchen and not a dungeon. There are knives on the counter top, you know. Better put that chair back in the dining room before someone trips on it and triggers the flying knives and falling frying pans that are hidden in secret compartments in the ceiling. 

4) A chair with something yellow on it. WHO PUT THIS CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN?? Better put it back in the dining room before someone trips on it because it's so dark in this kitchen no one can find the coffee maker. 

Please post your answers in the comments below and I'll give you some great insights in man vs. woman nature. For the purposes of helping you with your marital peace. Yeah, that's it. 

And if you can't figure out which answer David picked when he saw this chair waiting for him this morning in the kitchen, I'll give you a hint. It was either #1, #3, or #4. 

In the meantime, stay tuned for my soon-to-be-released post on Harvey Weinstein, SCUM OF THE EARTH. Coming soon to a phone computer near you! Check back in a few hours when I'm awake and functioning on optimal brain power, aka caffeine. You might be sleeping at that time, but don't worry! My post will sit right here, waiting for you. 

Until we meet again.... 


Give Her a Break

Succoth is a wonderful time to score points for marital bliss. Tell your wife to take a break from the never-ending Chol Hamoed kitchen chores and surprise her with your culinary arts. Every man should be competent in the kitchen; a wife doesn't enjoy feeling like a slave and she always appreciates the help. Even more, spoil her by making something that she doesn't usually prepare, like sushi - she'll be delighted! That's exactly what I did yesterday, as you can see here:

And don't miss Racheli's hilarious post below! 

LB Sushi2 LB Sushi

The Eternal Promise


Sigh... Isn't that a gorgeous picture? By now, many of you may be aware of my cruise obsession. To me, cruising is a fantastic way to visit many places in one trip, and the best part is that you can eat until you explode. Between you and me, I'm still holding on to this romantic fantasy of cruising in five-star style around the world, visiting all of the beautiful and exciting places on this gorgeous planet of ours. However, I bet you didn't know this little story that I'm about to tell you.

Once upon a time, about 15 years ago, David made a promise. He promised me that he would take me on a romantic luxury cruise. Of course, it never happened. Actually, it wasn't really even a romantic promise. We had a bet over the stupidest thing ever. We were in the car on Collins Avenue in North Miami Beach, and I told him there was a "no U turn" sign at the intersection where he wanted to turn. He insisted that there was, even though the sign was facing oncoming traffic, and you couldn't see what it said from where we were. Being that I've lived in Miami since the day I was born, I figured that I would win this bet, and sure enough, I did. Actually, I could see the back of the sign, so I knew for sure that I was right, but of course I didn't tell him. Mr. Oblivious was, and still is, a terrible driver. Terrible. He doesn't even look left when he enters the traffic circles! I yell at him every time, but it doesn't seem to help. 

Being that he made this promise about 15 years ago, and we ain't goin' on no cruise for a looooong time, I'm calling it the Eternal Promise. One day, G-d willing, I'll get my fancy luxury cruise. Maybe I'll reserve the Presidential Suite now for the year 2036. In kabbalistic terms we call that "building our vessels." See, if you want Hashem to bless you with something, you've got to do something to create a spiritual vessel to receive it. So that's what I'm doing. 

I heard there were some really gorgeous kosher European cruises through the famous rivers. Have any of you been on an awesome kosher cruise? Please tell me! I've got to start doing my research, because I only have 19 years left to figure it out! It is 2017, right?

Speaking of long-term promises, Rav Shalom Arush writes that our very own beloved Rebbe Nachman gave all of us a promise that sounds too good to be true. Actually, it's not too good to be true, or it wouldn't be true - right? Am I making sense? Did I write it backward? I'm tired and not thinking straight because my little boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night after I went to sleep too late, and he insisted that I make his milky, to which I adamantly refused because I couldn't stand up straight. Once David brought him the milky, he started freaking out because his Slave Girl didn't do it. I really am his Slave Girl. Maybe I'll make myself a cool logo. SG. Sounds hip. Any of you a graphic designer? Make me one and I'll create a post around it. That would be so awesome!

Back to Rebbe Nachman's Eternal Promise. What is it? I'll give you a hint... Rebbe Nachman promises that if you devote an hour a day to personal prayer, even if you don't say anything, you will win... A NEW CARRRRRR!!! Okay, so the prize is even better. What's that? You want me to tell you what the prize is? C'mon, I'm not going to spoil it for you!

Speaking of promises, Rav Brody's got an amazing promise for parents who commit to spending more quality time with their children, especially if that quality time involves learning Torah together. He's got a few incredible and true stories about The Big Payoff that parents have experienced after they started learning with their children, even if it meant sacrificing time from work. Speaking of big payoffs, I'm still waiting for David to get his so he can take me on our 50th anniversary cruise in 2053.

You know what? I have a promise for you, too! I promise that if you read my article, you'll get a whole new understanding of abusive relationships. A lady asked me a very important and perplexing question: "If Hashem let me marry him, it must mean I’m supposed to stay married to him. So why is Hashem letting him treat me this way??" Don't miss my perplexing answer in Enough! 

If you want to know the truth, most of us married folk have no idea what we're doing. Be honest! I think that most of us are just immature overgrown kids Growing Up Together with our spouses. At least, that's what my husband is. I'm perfect. Really. I insist. Don't miss Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen's mature article about immature people! And, don't forget - if you need some guidance with your marriage or anything else in your life, make an appointment with Rebbetzin Channen at once! Contact Aharon at staff@breslev.co.il.

If you like firey Torah, don't miss Rabbi Avigdor Miller's powerful article, Don't Question Hashem. 

It's official - I'm a genius! Just by looking at the title of the next article, Pro-Palestine Jews, I knew it was written by Dovber HaLevy! Ooh, and it's a good one, too! But for some reason, I felt like saying, "Yo' mama!" at the end of it. I'm not really sure why.

Here's a profound question: is there something beyond happiness? How can you be beyond happy? Does that mean you're ecstatic? Isn't ecstatic an extension of happiness? Does your brain hurt? Don't worry! Dr. Zev Ballen gives us all the answers in Beyond Happiness. And don't forget - Dr. Ballen is the ONLY therapist in the world that was hand-picked by Rav Arush to combine his years of experience in traditional therapy with emuna. What he can help you do would take months with a regular therapist! Why? Read about Emuna Therapy and then you'll understand. You can also schedule an appointment with him via Aharon at staff@breslev.co.il. 

This next story about The Miracle Car  by H.K. Shulkin made me cry. I'm serious! I had tears running down my cheeks! Maybe they're really tears of tiredness. I'm exhausted! Anyhow, this story is truly unbelievable, except that it's true! Read it! OMG, I just realized that I wrote about a NEW CARRRR, and now I just read this story about a NEW CARRRR!! Genius and psychic?! What a combination!!

Have a fantastic day!


My Cheap Husband

Wives, do you ever look in your wallets and see this?


Did you figure out what's missing? That's right! Some cash. Okay, I admit - hubby ain't cheap with' me no mo. My kids took my money. Regarding David, I trained him quite well, but it didn't happen overnight. It took a lot of.... convincing. Whatever that means. Arm punching, screaming, payot pulling, you know, all the stuff that great marriages are made of.

But seriously, someone wrote me complaining that her husband never wants to buy her anything. To which I responded, "Off with his head!" OMG, what's wrong with me today? 

Well, dear husbands, if you happen to be on the stingier side, know that you're not doing anyone any favors. Instead of saving money, you're creating shalom bayit problems, which actually sabotages all of your efforts to make money. A happy wife opens the pipes of abundance and blessings for the entire family, you know. But, hey, don't hate me! I'm not the one who came up with this stuff! 

If you want to stop all of that unnecessary arguing about money, you've got to read My Cheap Husband. By that, I don't mean that I'm asking you psychics out there to read my hubby's face and tell me what it's thinking. I'm psychic too, see? 

Speaking of not-cheap husbands, Rav Shalom Arush explains that we can receive the Torah any time we'd like! Like, huh? I know, I can't figure it out, either. Wait! My psychic powers are telling me that it has something to do with resisting all of the negative influences and temptations, and by doing so we are able to tap into a higher reality. Yes! I really am a genius. Maybe I should invent something. Any ideas? In the meantime, why don't you work on Receiving Your Torah? Then tell me what the article really said. 

Loyalty is a very important part of a happy marriage. It's also a very important part of being one of the king's closest servants. But if you think I'm going to want to prove my loyalty to the king at the risk of dying, sorry, buddy, I'm really not into being that loyal. However, Rav Brody shows us that there are some (insane) people who would give anything to be close to the king. Their test is brutal, and the ones that survive make it to the top. However, what if someone tries to outsmart the king? Will the king see through his "loyalty"? What will he do about it? And what does this parable have anything to do with us? Ah, but the message is brilliant, my dears! Read all about The Final Test and let me know if you remembered the answer! 

Of course, it happened yet again! I really did get chills at the end of Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen's article! I've got to ask her how she does that. And you've got to read her take on what it's like to live among Israelis. She's totally spot-on and very descriptive! I can personally confirm that everything she wrote is 100% true. So if you want the lowdown on life in Israel, don't miss reading Rough, Tough, and Tender!

So just last night I really wanted to scream at my kids because they kept getting out of bed with all sorts of pathetic excuses, like it's too dark outside, or I can't find my Lego guy. I didn't scream at them. Okay, technically I didn't scream at them as much as I wanted to, so that counts for something, right? Anyhow, I was like, "Wow, Was That Me?" Dr. Zev Ballen must be psychic, because somehow he managed to make that phrase the title of his latest article! Dr. Zev, I didn't know you were so talented! But what's even better is that he tells us that we can all have those same moments, where we overcome our negative tendencies. So what are you waiting for?!

Lori Steiner explains that much of our thinking is a result of the backwards messages we've internalized from an ethically backwards society. Okay, she didn't exactly say it in those words, but because I'm psychic, I know that's what she really wanted to say. In any case, she helps us to clarify what thoughts we should have, and gives us a few great ways to Debunk the Myths that we should keep in our minds and wallets at all times. I have no idea why I just wrote that. The subconscious mind is a strange thing.

Chaya Golda Ovadia is quite the farmer as she talks about her somewhat failed attempt at Growing Sprouts in her backyard. Actually, she tried growing like six fruit trees and some cucumbers or something like that, which is simply impossible in a tiny Israeli backyard. Israel isn't exactly America, land of the supersized backyard, french fries, and belly. But don't be fooled. We have plenty of supersized bellies walking around here, and they ain't nothing to be proud of. In conclusion, Chaya shares some amazing insights that she got from playing farmer, and you'll just have to read them to see what they are!

I have decided that Dovber HaLevi should go into motivational speaking. He has such a great perspective on living as an American in Israel, and he is pointing out not only the challenges, but the solutions as well! If you already live in Israel, or you're thinking about making aliyah, you've gotta read Let Go!  

On that note, have a wonderful week as the weather gets warmer by the second. What happened to my winter?? Okay, so it's not all bad. After all, I can make the kids go outside now!