Lazer Beams

Appreciating our Aishet Chayil

This coming Shabbat, we should sing "Aishet Chayil" to our wives with much more fervor. We can't show them enough gratitude.

Many women complain to me that their husbands don't appreciate them because they are housewives. That's really inane.

King Solomon spoke about the woman of valor and said (Proverbs 31:10), "And her value greatly exceeds that of pearls." He wasn't kidding...

According to a pre-Mother's Day study released last Thursday by Salary.com, a Waltham-based firm that studies workplace compensation, if a stay-at-home mom could be compensated in dollars rather than personal satisfaction and unconditional love, she'd rake in a nifty sum of nearly $117,000 a year.

Stop taking her for granted, guys. She deserves tons of gratitude for everything she does. In addition, we have to thank Hashem day and night for giving us our Aishet Chayil. I'd be one big zero without mine.

An Outlaw with the Inlaws

Dear Rabbi Brody,

My wife's parents don't even bother hiding their dislike of me. Short of saying so to my face, their manners and behavior towards me make me feel like an outlaw. What do I do? Thanks, AC

Dear AC,

If you truly honor and cherish your wife, and you're not stingy with her, then her parents will most certainly take a liking to you. Double-check yourself in these areas.

Drips of water can put a hole in solid rock. Your inlaws aren't firing Kassam rockets at you, so you can make unilateral peace with them. No matter how they react at first, swallow your pride, put your best foot forward, and call them once a week. A sincere "Good Shabbos" greeting scores big points with inlaws. Bolster the weekly calls with holiday, birthday, and anniversary presents, and kill them with kindness. Eventually, they'll see the error of their ways, realize that they've been giving you a bum deal, and will make amends with you. But, you must be patient, perseverent and humble. When The Almighty and your wife are pleased with you, your inlaws will be also.

Meanwhile, by establishing a line of communication with them, you'll be doing a quadruple mitzva of honoring your inlaws (a rabbinical ordinance, and some rabbinical lawgivers consider it a Torah edict), keeping peace, making your wife happy (because she doesn't have to be torn between her folks and her hubby), and avoiding to harbor hate and malice in your heart against them. Hashem won't forget such a major-league grand-slam mitzva. Wait and see, AC - if you take my advice, I'll guarantee you that with Hashem's help, you'll see enhanced blessings all over the place. With best wishes, LB

Anger - the Real Chametz

Thanks to the Emuna Outreach Production crew in Bet Shemesh, we have another 25-minute segment of our March 13, 2007 talk at the Carlebach Shul in Ramat Bet Shemesh. The overall shiur was entitled "Rejewvenuting Your Marriage", and we spoke about cleaning the worst type of chametz before Pesach, the anger and arrogance in our hearts. This particular segment focuses on shalom bayit, or peace in the home. Husbands - Do you know what your wife wants more than anything? You'll find the answer in the above clip. Enjoy!

Shepherd's Purse

An American tourist once asked a Jerusalem rabbi how religious Israelis succeed in having such large families? The rabbi answered, "It's because Shepherd's Purse grows wild by the roadside all over the Land of Israel."

Lately, I've had numerous letters from women that complain of lengthy menstrual cycles that leave them few days of purity and reduce their chances of pregnancy.

Rebbe Nachman says there's no such thing as despair. Save your money, don't run to the gynecologist, and don't fill yourself with pills. There's an easier, more natural way to become clean on the 5th day, so with hefsek tahara and 7 clean days, the unpure period is reduced to 12 days. With ritual immesion in the mikva after sundown of the 12th day, a woman's chances for pregnancy are highest, since for many women, ovulation is on the 13th day of the cycle.

Here's all you need to do (I learned this remedy from the great Rabbi Yisroel Yaacov Fisher ob"m of the Eda Haredis in Jerusalem): Gather 5 or 6 young green leaves from a shepherd's purse plant that grows all over the place here, at roadsides and on empty lots. If you live outside of Israel, ask your local herb specialist for the leaves. Wash them off in cold water and make sure they have no bugs in them. Then, boil them in a small tea kettle with water, letting the herb tea brew for about 5 minutes. It may be a bit bitter, so sweeten the tea with a teaspoon of honey. Drink a glass of this tea on the mornings of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th day of the menstrual period. Before sundown of the 5th day, you'll hopefully be clean as a whistle, so you can begin counting the 7 clean days and therefore immerse G-d willing at the end of the 12th day of the cycle.

This remedy has worked for many families in Israel. Hopefully, it will work for you too.

Read more about Shepherd's Purse here and here.

Friends and Lovers

During the Jewish wedding and each festive meal of the subsequent seven festive days, we bless the bride and the groom, Sameach Tesamach Re'im ahuvim, "Be happy and rejoice, friends and lovers!" At a superficial glance, this blessing seems odd. If the young couple are lovers, then why say friends? Isn't that superfluous?
The answer is simple. In order to be lovers, you have to be friends first. In fact, friendship is the foundation upon which a true and lasting relationship is built.
How does friendship manifest itself in a marriage? When you have a good friend, you enjoy spending time together. A husband's attention to his wife, walking together, dining together (not with the newspaper or TV, but with your partner), and especially learning together are superb expressions of friendship. Any act that constitutes a statement of, "I want to be with you!" is a beautiful compliment that warms the heart and cements a relationship. This type of friendship is a prerequisite to love.
Those couples who work on their friendship do a much better job of weathering the days of physical separation during the monthly cycle of Jewish family purity. Even more, during the clean days, a normal woman is disgusted by the mere thought of physical contact if it's not preceded by friendship and love.
Friendship is great for the body and the soul. Shabbat takes on an entirely new dimension when a husband and wife learn the laws of Shabbat together. Nothing is more intimate - and healthy - than a husband and wife taking a long walk together and sharing each others secrets.
When you make friendship a priority in your marriage, then your relationship will blossom like the Spring flowers.

The Path to Inner Peace, Part 5

Today's segment is lively, showing how "Sammy" (the Samech-Mem, or Yetzer Hara) makes us crazy and ruins our inner peace.

Don't forget that you can hear a full-length Rav Shalom Arush-Lazer Brody CD in English on Breslev Beams Radio, every evening at 8 PM EST (3 AM Israel). If you haven't tuned in yet, give it a try. We feature non-stop toe-tapping Chassidic music with no commercials - just pure joy.

Happy Rosh Chodesh Adar Aleph. Let's get our joy in high gear.

Child Abuse: The Worst Sin

"Ricki" from New England has been corresponding with me for over two years now. She's a very talented Baalas Teshuva, attractive, smart as a whip, and her potato kugel is just as mean as her tennis backhand. She could easily be Miss Jewish America, but she's no longer a Miss since her wedding three years ago. She has one other problem - her heart is deeply scarred from a nightmare childhood with an abusive father. We can't even write about  10% of what Ricki went through with her father.

Ricki's first year of marriage was stormy to say the least. But, since she's been in contact with me, we've been trying to heal those scars with emuna. Ricki no longer takes tranquilizers or sees an analyst. Her courage and willpower are deserving of praise. She consented that I share her latest letter to me with you:

Rabbi, I just finished listening to “Family Connection” and “Hashem Loves Me” while preparing Shabbos dinner. The good news is that my husband was amazing tonight and helped around the house, spent 30 minutes with me over dinner, and cleaned up after the cooking with a smile and amazing attitude.

I would like to comment/get feedback quickly, if you don’t mind (I'm crying as I write this):

Family Connection: THANK YOU for being totally forthright about the importance about getting away from abuse! Time and again I hear stories of Rabbis trying to keep a wife with an abusive husband, or children told they need to continue to honor him and live with him. It doesn’t surprise me, but thank you for taking a stand! People don’t seem to understand that no connection is better than abuse – “family first” can't be husband over safety of others.  Seeing an abusive family member isn’t worth “having contact” because it’s too destructive.  I wish someone had told my mom, and I wish my step-mom would listen – Get away, stay away, and keep your kids away! Don’t think he won't do it to them because they’re his kids! HE WILL!!!

In terms of your comment about tearing down kids, that they’re “like living dead” – Rabbi, this is a sore spot for me. Those are EXACTLY the terms I use to explain how I feel. I feel like my main goal right now is to attempt to come back to life because inside. So much is dead having been the victim of parental abuse, there is such thick heaviness around my heart. I'm so limited in my abilities due to the abuse I suffered…and it feels so alienating, because most people don’t know how to deal with a walking dead person. Sometimes I just get this overwhelming sense of – “you just don’t get it. You think I'm alive! Can't you see that I'm really dead?” For the most part, they don’t really want to know. Too scary and tears down their little gingerbread house. Even my husband has a hard time understanding, especially with my issues, and mind you he tries really hard. I wish it could all just feel normal and painless. I wish I could feel anything besides pain.

Anyone who says that murder is the worst sin in the is a liar.  Child abuse is, especially severe, especially physical and sexual abuse. At least with murder the person is dead and doesn’t have to suffer such excruciating pain for their entire life. The child doesn’t even get to know what life is before it’s taken from him/her, and then has to fake it and act like they’re alive in a world that doesn’t want to know the truth and doesn’t want to be reminded of it. I'm trapped in a body that is constantly reliving my death. I must be dead because this is certainly hell.

Which leads me to Hashem Loves Me – what an amazing CD, I think your best ever. SO inspiring and moving. Your explanation of Psalm 3 was unbelievable, and by the end of the CD I was sitting on the floor crying like a baby because someone loves me! It seems so silly in writing but honest I never really believed it until just now. It’s hard to believe but deep inside I don’t believe I'm lovable. I was told in no uncertain terms as a child, over and over again, that I was garbage, that I belonged in the garbage, that I was a monster and horrible words I won't repeat.  You mean I don’t have to be the biggest tzedakis on earth in order to deserve love? I can be imperfect and that’s OK, just keep trying and do your best and that’s enough? Making a mistake doesn’t prove that I really am a piece of sht? I don’t have to beat myself into perfection? I'm still bawling.

Thank you. Good Shabbos.  Sorry if this was a little heavy but those CDs opened up so much… Thank you for being there... Ricki

Overcoming Same-sex Attraction

Dear Rabbi,

I am a 28 year old Jewish woman. I became a Baalat Teshuva 6 years ago after a trip to Israel, and 2 years ago, I met my husband, also a baal teshuva. He is truly a wonderful man, yet I struggle with my sexuality. Since I was younger I have felt that I would like to have a relationship with another woman. I have worked very hard on myself to overcome this struggle. I recently gave birth with my first child and have found that this issue has come back to haunt me full force. At times, I fear that I will never stop struggling and this pain of wondering if these thoughts will ever go away. Rabbi, please ,if you have any thoughts on this topic, please share them with me. Please do not judge me. I am trying my hardest to serve G-d with a full heart. I also love my husband deeply, I just feel my soul hurting so deeply over this issue. Please reply asap. Thank you, Lisa, USA

Shalom Lisa!

Thank you for your very courageous letter. Our sages teach us that sharing a problem with a rabbi is already half the solution. Here's why: Negative thoughts contaminate the soul. Rebbe Nachman of Breslev teaches that a lingering negative thought blocks out Hashem's Divine light. Therefore, when you tell your problem to a rabbi that you trust, you in effect release the pressure of the problem (the lingering negative thought) on your soul, and create an opening for divine light to reach you. By the way, I avoid judging people.

This time of the year is known as the "Shovevim", and it's a wonderful opportunity where every little effort in kedusha (striving for holiness) not only pays off big time, but gets extra help from Hashem. In that respect, your letter couldn't be more timely.

In my humble opinion, Here's what you need to do:

1. Talk to Hashem every single day in your own words, for no less than a half hour (preferably an hour), and spill your heart out to Him. Ask Hashem to help you overcome the lewd urges, which are nothing more than a stupid temptation fantasy from the "dark side". This strategy completely disarms the Yetzer Hora (evil inclination).

2. Avoid any secular media, movies, TV, and even newspapers, and immerse yourself totally in kedusha. Gobble up as many mussar seforim as you can.

3. Every day, say Psalms 16, 32, 41, 42, 59, 77, 90, 105, 137, and 150.

4. Think about Hashem and about your husband as much as you can.

5. Remember that the negative thoughts come from the Yetzer; the Yetzer is your enemy - he wants you dead in this world and in the next. This is no joke; life down here (yes, this world is the spiritual pits) is a war, and you have to fight to stay alive. The gays and the lesbians have quit fighting the spiritual battle to rescue their souls, and have utterly surrendered to the Yetzer; you have Torah and mitzvas - you can overcome!

6. The same way that you don't contemplate eating pork or cheeseburgers all day long, you don't have to think about other women. This will be difficult for you at first, because your entire mission on this earth could very well be to lick the battle with homosexual or other lewd tendencies. Every time you repel a negative thought, Hashem will shower on you an abundance of blessings, for only He knows how hard the battle is for you.

7. Double-check yourself that your appearance outside the house is super-modest, and don't try to attract anyone's attention except your husband's. For him, make yourself the most ravishing and appealing female in the world. If you don't get back triple dividends on your investment, write me again and we'll take it from there.

8. Pick up a copy of Outpouring of the Soul and of Rebbe Natan's "Likutei Tefillot" in English; you'll find many prayers that work wonders for the purity of your thoughts and to direct your energies in a spiritually fruitful direction.

9. Remember that on a spiritual plane, same-sex attraction is an "ahava nefula", or misplaced love. All of us are prone to misplaced loves whenever our love for Hashem is faulty or lacking. The more you enhance and enrich your love for Hashem, the more your same-sex attractions will simply disappear. I suggest strongly that you learn "Gate 10, The Gate of Love" at the end of "Chovos Halevavos" (Duties of the Heart).

10. Be very careful about ritually washing your hands as soon as you open your eyes in the morning ("negel vasser").

If you're careful about the above 10 steps, your problem will be a figment of the past within 40 days, G-d willing. May Hashem bless you and keep you and lead you down the right path. Yours always, LB

Rebbe Nachman's Gift to David

Harry and Susie Zettel, originally from Toronto and now in Ramat Bet Shemesh, are a magazine-cover couple and an Aliya success story. Just yesterday, I received this amazing letter from them that I'd like to share with you:

Dear Rabbi Brody,

Two years ago, I took my eldest son who was 12 to Uman for Rosh Hashanah as a pre- Bar Mitzvah present.

Baruch Hashem, we have 5 children. One of our children, David (age 10, left), is developmentally delayed and suffers from epilepsy. Despite all the doctors negative predictions for David, David has continued to exceed all our expectations. His progress has made the doctor's predictions look silly. We made Aliyah almost 5 years ago from Canada; we thought that David would take 10 years to learn Hebrew, but thank G-d, his Hebrew today is better than some of my "Normal Children".

David has always had a very spiritual soul, he loves music and loves to dance (especially on his father's shoulder). However, David also has an uncontrollable streak, where he is subject to bad temper tantrums, where his teachers and mother have had a hard time controlling him.

Last year, when it was getting close to Rosh Hashanah, I asked my wife if she would mind if I went to Uman again this year. I was planning on taking our 7 year old boy with me this year. My wife said that I could go but I had to take all our boys (ages 13, 10 and 7) as she would find it hard to cope with all the boys, especially David without me being home. Financially this was a big struggle, but I thought it would be a great opportunity to bond with the children and to give them a great spiritual experience.

Most of my friends thought that I was nuts to travel with David to Uman, as he needs constant supervision. Well, we all traveled to Uman. I was able to pray while David played with other children. Daily we visited the Kever of Rebbe Nachman and sang and danced at night. We even took a full day trip to visit and pray by the graves of Rabbi Natan, The Baal Shem Tov, and Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev.

My wife has commented to me on many occasions that since the trip to Uman, David has been a lot more calm and his tantrums has decreased dramatically.

My wife and I believe that David received a very spiritual gift in Uman , the gift of being more at peace and calm with himself, which has also paid dividends to the family as a whole.

Best regards, Harry from Bet Shemesh

Love Barometer

Dear Rabbi Brody,

I'm one of your Noahide readers, and I depend on you for spiritual guidance. So first of all, thanks for being there. Here's my issue: I've been dating someone for 6 weeks, and he already says that he loves me and wants to marry me. He seems special, but this is really too fast for me. On the other hand, I'm afraid of losing this dude. What do I do?

Sincerely, Jennifer from Southern USA

Dear Jennifer,

Real love, not Hollywood-style flash-in-the-pan infatuation that people refer to as love, is only possible after marriage, when the two partners have a mutual commitment and common goal. Nevertheless, try this "love barometer" on your boyfriend - it's simple and foolproof:

1) How often does he think about you: Once a day? Once an hour? Once a minute? This is reflected better by deeds (notes, phone calls, small acts of kindness, little presents, etc.) than by words.

2) Ask him if he knows what makes you happy and what makes you sad. If he answers that he can't possibly know the answer because he doesn't know you well enough, then his proclaimed love for you is none other than an illusion. How can he love what he doesn't know?

3) Is he a good listener? Does he value the things you say and treat you with respect? Don't confuse lustful flattery with respect.

4) When he speaks to you, close your eyes and listen to his voice: Is there friendship, kindness, and compassion in that voice, or only lust? Don't let physical attraction overwhelm your good judgment.

In picking a partner for life, you're better off using your brain than your heart. Is the person kind and considerate? Is he even-tempered? Is he decent? Is he dependable? Is he modest? Does he come from a family with healthy interpersonal relationships? Do you have a common goal? In order to make a decision, you need to do some serious homework and check out this guy. Meet his parents. Talk to his friends and acquaintances. Speak with his roommates or colleagues. Make sure there're are no skeletons in the closet like substance, gambling, or porno addictions. You'll be saving yourself from unpleasant surprises and raising your chances for future success. Don't worry - if he really cares about you, you won't lose him. If he's only trying to use you for a good time, than good riddance. Whatever you do, don't let meaningless coffee-house expressions of love make your head spin. Jennifer, the most important effort in finding the right mate is prayer - the more the better. Keep me posted. Blessings and smiles, LB

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Don't forget - You can hear Lazer weekly, every Sunday live on Israel National Radio's Tamar Yonah Show, at 3:15 PM Israel time, which is 8:15 AM EST.