158 posts categorized "Weekly Torah Portion"
Sigh... Isn't that a gorgeous picture? By now, many of you may be aware of my cruise obsession. To me, cruising is a fantastic way to visit many places in one trip, and the best part is that you can eat until you explode. Between you and me, I'm still holding on to this romantic fantasy of cruising in five-star style around the world, visiting all of the beautiful and exciting places on this gorgeous planet of ours. However, I bet you didn't know this little story that I'm about to tell you.
Once upon a time, about 15 years ago, David made a promise. He promised me that he would take me on a romantic luxury cruise. Of course, it never happened. Actually, it wasn't really even a romantic promise. We had a bet over the stupidest thing ever. We were in the car on Collins Avenue in North Miami Beach, and I told him there was a "no U turn" sign at the intersection where he wanted to turn. He insisted that there was, even though the sign was facing oncoming traffic, and you couldn't see what it said from where we were. Being that I've lived in Miami since the day I was born, I figured that I would win this bet, and sure enough, I did. Actually, I could see the back of the sign, so I knew for sure that I was right, but of course I didn't tell him. Mr. Oblivious was, and still is, a terrible driver. Terrible. He doesn't even look left when he enters the traffic circles! I yell at him every time, but it doesn't seem to help.
Being that he made this promise about 15 years ago, and we ain't goin' on no cruise for a looooong time, I'm calling it the Eternal Promise. One day, G-d willing, I'll get my fancy luxury cruise. Maybe I'll reserve the Presidential Suite now for the year 2036. In kabbalistic terms we call that "building our vessels." See, if you want Hashem to bless you with something, you've got to do something to create a spiritual vessel to receive it. So that's what I'm doing.
I heard there were some really gorgeous kosher European cruises through the famous rivers. Have any of you been on an awesome kosher cruise? Please tell me! I've got to start doing my research, because I only have 19 years left to figure it out! It is 2017, right?
Speaking of long-term promises, Rav Shalom Arush writes that our very own beloved Rebbe Nachman gave all of us a promise that sounds too good to be true. Actually, it's not too good to be true, or it wouldn't be true - right? Am I making sense? Did I write it backward? I'm tired and not thinking straight because my little boyfriend woke up in the middle of the night after I went to sleep too late, and he insisted that I make his milky, to which I adamantly refused because I couldn't stand up straight. Once David brought him the milky, he started freaking out because his Slave Girl didn't do it. I really am his Slave Girl. Maybe I'll make myself a cool logo. SG. Sounds hip. Any of you a graphic designer? Make me one and I'll create a post around it. That would be so awesome!
Back to Rebbe Nachman's Eternal Promise. What is it? I'll give you a hint... Rebbe Nachman promises that if you devote an hour a day to personal prayer, even if you don't say anything, you will win... A NEW CARRRRRR!!! Okay, so the prize is even better. What's that? You want me to tell you what the prize is? C'mon, I'm not going to spoil it for you!
Speaking of promises, Rav Brody's got an amazing promise for parents who commit to spending more quality time with their children, especially if that quality time involves learning Torah together. He's got a few incredible and true stories about The Big Payoff that parents have experienced after they started learning with their children, even if it meant sacrificing time from work. Speaking of big payoffs, I'm still waiting for David to get his so he can take me on our 50th anniversary cruise in 2053.
You know what? I have a promise for you, too! I promise that if you read my article, you'll get a whole new understanding of abusive relationships. A lady asked me a very important and perplexing question: "If Hashem let me marry him, it must mean I’m supposed to stay married to him. So why is Hashem letting him treat me this way??" Don't miss my perplexing answer in Enough!
If you want to know the truth, most of us married folk have no idea what we're doing. Be honest! I think that most of us are just immature overgrown kids Growing Up Together with our spouses. At least, that's what my husband is. I'm perfect. Really. I insist. Don't miss Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen's mature article about immature people! And, don't forget - if you need some guidance with your marriage or anything else in your life, make an appointment with Rebbetzin Channen at once! Contact Aharon at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you like firey Torah, don't miss Rabbi Avigdor Miller's powerful article, Don't Question Hashem.
It's official - I'm a genius! Just by looking at the title of the next article, Pro-Palestine Jews, I knew it was written by Dovber HaLevy! Ooh, and it's a good one, too! But for some reason, I felt like saying, "Yo' mama!" at the end of it. I'm not really sure why.
Here's a profound question: is there something beyond happiness? How can you be beyond happy? Does that mean you're ecstatic? Isn't ecstatic an extension of happiness? Does your brain hurt? Don't worry! Dr. Zev Ballen gives us all the answers in Beyond Happiness. And don't forget - Dr. Ballen is the ONLY therapist in the world that was hand-picked by Rav Arush to combine his years of experience in traditional therapy with emuna. What he can help you do would take months with a regular therapist! Why? Read about Emuna Therapy and then you'll understand. You can also schedule an appointment with him via Aharon at email@example.com.
This next story about The Miracle Car by H.K. Shulkin made me cry. I'm serious! I had tears running down my cheeks! Maybe they're really tears of tiredness. I'm exhausted! Anyhow, this story is truly unbelievable, except that it's true! Read it! OMG, I just realized that I wrote about a NEW CARRRR, and now I just read this story about a NEW CARRRR!! Genius and psychic?! What a combination!!
Have a fantastic day!
Those who live outside the areas we visited in our recent USA tour didn't have the opportunity of hearing about the marvelous new light that our esteemed and beloved teacher Rav Shalom Arush brought down to the world; here it is. Enjoy it and have a lovely new week!
When a person thinks about all the necessary preparations one must make before going to war, the last thing one could dream of is blowing a trumpet. What does that have to do with fighting a battle? Enjoy this week's mini-lesson and have a lovely Shabbat!
Here we go again.
Hooray! David is coming back tomorrow! Hallelujah, I see the light! I'm fantasizing about high-five-ing him as he walks through the door, as I'm running. Where? Well, if you have to ask, then you don't know me. Do any of you remember that? "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" the woman on stage at the Jerry Springer Show starts yelling at the audience as they boo her for having too many kids with unidentified daddies. You're right, promiscuous lady. I don't know you, and I sure don't wanna know you. Were these people for real? I've always wondered. Some of the plot lines were so ridiculous, but so incredibly entertaining! There was nothing I enjoyed better during the mornings when I treated myself to a sick day from the gehinnom I referred to as "High School" than flipping between Jerry Springer and Emeril.
Oh, right! I forgot to tell you where I'm running to. I'm running away to the nearest 5-star hotel. On the beach. ALONE. Just me and my 5-star buffet. All you can eat. Gour to the met.
What's really going to happen is that David's going to drag his disheveled self through the door, tired from a long trip, and especially tired from schlepping three suitcases all over the Northeast. Seriously, is it my fault that the prices there are so much better? And then I'm going to get stuck with two weeks of stinky laundry on top of everything else. And furthermore, I'm going to have to cook him different food than the rest of us lowly second-class citizens eat. The Prince has to watch his girlish figure, you know.
I really hope he doesn't read this. Love you, honey!
I gotta be honest. I love to shop. Online. I love workout clothes. I love to dance and lift weights. I love to play piano. And I absolutely HATE when my kids don't listen to me. HATEEEEE ITTTTTT!!!!!!! Phew. What a relief that I'm not deluding myself into thinking that I'm some kind of righteous woman who is too holy to enjoy material things. 'Cause you know there funna be a whole 'lot of those! Or men that think they're too holy to get a job, even though they're not particularly enjoying learning full-time. You know what Rav Arush says about such people? He says emphatically, "People, u'z gotz to keep it real! Be honest with yo'selfs! Take a good look in da mirror!" It's much funnier when you say it out loud. Try it. I won't tell. Only when you embark on the holy path of Finding Yourself, will you be able to overcome the obstacles that keep you from being the Real Deal Holyfield.
I gotta be honest. Again. I didn't understand Chemistry for the life of me. No amount of explaining, tutoring, or hypnosis had any effect on me. I just didn't get it. But that's okay! Rav Brody just gave me my foolproof excuse. See, I didn't learn Chemistry directly from God. I learned it from a Russian professor who bore a scary resemblance to Putin - both in looks and behavior. To this day the thought of his icy blue eyes staring right through me gives me the shivers. Okay, you got me. I totally cheated my way through Organic Chemistry. In my defense, "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!" I wasn't lucky enough to inherit any mathematical genius from anyone in my family. Not that there was any to inherit.
Thank God, no one can use that line when it comes to the Torah. Rav Brody points out that everyone, that means all the Jews, yes, including you, Anon, received the Torah directly from Hashem. That means that we're all capable of following its laws and living like, well, Jews. You can't use the excuse that you weren't there that day, or you just don't get it, or your tummy hurts. In conclusion, there really is One Torah for Everyone. One love. One soul. One people. Peace out, yo.
Attention, attention! I am hereby announcing my latest installment in my uber-popular "Garden" series, "The Iraqi Garden of Peace!" (Soundtrack playing hoots and cheers with a generous helping of applause. More like standing ovation, actually.) WARNING! My version is just as stinging as Rav Arush's bestseller, so you know what that means, right dear husbands? That's right! Just shut up and take it.
Listen up, hubbies. So many wives are really, genuinely suffering from your gross, less-than-appreciative, I'm the King behavior. They've committed their lives to you, and you don't appreciate them even 1/10,000th as much as you should. Lucky for you, Rav Arush and I have teamed up to set you straight and hopefully save your marriage. Okay, so he probably doesn't even know I wrote it, but Rav Brody does, which counts for something, right? I have just one more thing to say to all you married, divorced, yet-to-be-married, wishing you weren't married, men: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! But read the article anyway. And don't worry - if you still can't manage to fix your marriage, you can always blame your parents. I do it all the time!
Have a wonderful week!
I should be asleep right now. But I ate like 6 or 7 cacao beans, which are totally bitter and disgusting, but they give you so much energy and do all kinds of other things that I'm too lazy to write about. Actually, it's not that I'm so lazy, but I just painted my nails and it's very hard to type with wet nails. Okay, so I'm also a little bit lazy.
Do any of you know what that title stands for? That's right! Thank G-d Shabbat Is Ova'. I love Shabbat, but being alone with five boys who won't listen to a word I say and who refuse to go and fight outside is very draining. Especially when I don't have a husband to yell at to get up from his beauty sleep and go take care of those unruly kids of his. And now my oldest one, who's 12, is getting all hormonal and pre-pubescent on me, and I realized that I basically have two choices:
a. run away
b. start drinking
I wanted to add in a third choice, but it's not legal, not even in China. Maybe it's legal in Syria, since people seem to be killing each other like it's going out of style, Hashem have mercy!
You know I'm joking, right?
Or am I?
I've got to get to bed. These nails are taking forever to dry! But as long as I'm sitting here, I might as well let you know that I lost my beautiful blue stone ring that I posted about a month ago. I have no idea why I posted it, now that I think about it. But if one of you out there is psychic and could tell me where my ring is, I'll be forever grateful. The only good thing is that it only cost $11, so I can order another one. But until then, I'll have to settle with my 83 other fake rings. One day I think I'll wear a ring on each finger, like those old-school grandmas used to do. I'll wear it to my Zumba class with my Nike hat. I'll be an old-school ghetto grandma with some Janet Jackson moves. Awwww, yeah. Speaking of grandmas, isn't she, like 50? And is it true she recently had a baby?? OMG what is this world coming to??
Well, wadda ya know! Rav Arush happens to have a few Jewels in the Sand for me! I don't know why he'd put them in the sand instead of just giving them to me, but I'll take them any way I can get them. Okay, so I just read the article, and unfortunately, it has nothing to do with diamond jewelry, but it does have an amazing true story of what sharing just one emuna book can do. You've got to read this!
This next article doesn't have anything to do with jewelry, unless you're thinking about stringing some matzah balls together and wearing them as a necklace. Maybe I'll try it sometime. Rav Brody tells us the story of a famous Chassidish tzaddik who ate Berele's Gebrokts on Pesach, simply to preserve the dignity of another Jew. It's stories like these that make me so grateful I'm Sephardi and I can eat all the gebrokts I want. (Well, I'm actually half Polish, but that part is hiding in a corner, desperately praying to G-d that the Iraqi half doesn't find her and turn her into kubbe.)
My latest article describes a gorgeous baby girl that I fell in love with, only to realize later that she was a Fake Baby. Look, I know it's been three years since I've had a baby, but I can still tell the difference between a real one and a fake one - at least, in person! But online, wow, that baby looked so real! I'm a little disappointed that the picture I sent in wasn't posted in the article, but I just tried finding it, and I came across some crazy pictures of crazy adults holding fake dolls and caring for them like they were their real babies. And then I saw a few pics of babies in these clear plastic containers, but the babies were in pieces instead of already assembled. Super freaky. Maybe Janet Jackson actually had one of these fake babies. C'mon people. 50 ain't no joke.
I've decided that Rebbetzin Yehudit Channen, one of our two Emuna Therapists, is moving in with me. I could certainly use her wise perspective on dealing with my kids, as I just read in her latest, Father Knows Best. However, I would change the title to "Rebbetzin Channen Knows Best." She is one of my closest friends, and I can tell you that not only does she know human nature inside and out, but she knows how to deal with people in difficult situations. And that is something so rare! Yehudit, please consider moving in with us! I'll cook for you every night! I'll put all five kids in one room so you can have your own room! Just name it - it's yours! You want some fake jewelry?
It seems that my nails have dried, so on that note, have a wonderful week! I'm going to sleep!
How do all the holidays, mentioned in this week's Torah portion, and the command that everyone must go up to the Temple Mount, constitute beautiful and absolute proof of the Torah? Enjoy this week's mini-lesson and have a lovely Shabbat!